Well dinner went great the other night, and we ended up watching the allstar game afterwards. H seemed kind of distant, but not in a bad way, more of a tierd way.
Now the next night (wed.), was a complete different story.
I have to write about this in detail, since I think it will help a lot of DBers here understand more. Not that I completely understand any of this either, but it may be insightful.
When a MLCer comes back to the LBS, it is often so hard to piece things back together. I think many MLCers come back prematurely only to realise later they are still looking for something but they dont know what. That is often why many teeter back and forth. My H has done it several times himself. H & I are piecing but I still see his unsurness of himself & his decisions pop up.
This is where I am coming from: Last night I was busy all day & night and I told H I would call him when I was done. When I called my H, He was wasted and at a bar with friends. He invited me over. I awkwardly said o.k. & went to his place for the night.
The evening started well. My H was babbling since he was drunk and he was full of energy and wanted to just talk to me. He was extemely excited and said he had such a great day and ran into many old H.S. aquaintances that he used to be in a band with. It was like he was on cloud nine to express to me how great & nostalgic it was to see all these people in the same room once again. He remenised about the old parties they used to have while I was away at college. It is like he loves running into any one from our life that wastnt a big part of my life, but now hates all the people that are still stongly in my life.
H said things like I dont want to turn 30. He also said he used to be such a personable person but people have worn on him so much that he hated what he turned into. He kept thanking me for listening to him and being here for him and he said he knows he is a handful and he doesnt know how I put up with him. He also was saying how he knows he has done nothing good in this apartment he is in and he wants out of it. But then how he loves its location and going to the bars all the time. He also said, I also want to be with you though and I just have to balence it out.
I just listened. He would say one thing and then contradict it in the next sentence. He was saying how his head felt like it was spinning, but not from the booze - just because his intense emotions. I could see his head about to explode in front of me, due to his being so torn about his life.
Then he told me about his earlier part of his day and how he ran into this great friend at the bar (he makes this guy out to be a super hero & even said that he would take a bullet for him). This guy named John he met about a year ago when my H started frequenting the bars. John talked to my H about being a fireman. John is one himself and was informing my H about the job & what it is like. He was not offering him a job, but just pumping it up.
Much to my surprise, this is now what my H wants to be. He is certain this is what he has been looking for and wants to pursue it. It will be hard to get hired though and there are not a whole lot of positions available. I was happy to hear my H's excitement about such a worthy job. I told him it seems like he would be great at it. He is just so unhappy owning his own roofing company and has been searching for something new for about 3-4 years now. I sure hope this is it. Let me tell ya, he has thought about & pursued becoming a nurse, an auto mechanic, an a.c. technition, a landscaper, a carpenter, a fence digger, a real estate agent.... you name it he has thought about it or even dabbled in it.
I think that my H is so excited about this because he is now seeking to be a better person than what he was. He always made me happy, but not himself. I think H wants to prove he is not a coward, and to become a hero through being a fireman that is definetly not afraid to die (last year he was near suicidal). I hope that this is really gonna work out for my H. I do believe that he would be good at it and it would make him feel good about himself.
Another really big part of the evening was when H started to talk to me about the trip to the bahamas & florida that I won and he agreed to go on with me over our anniversary in Aug. He started out by saying how great it will be, and how much fun we will have and how badly he needs a vacation. Then out of the blue it was like he flipped a coin and turned into a MLC alien. H then starts to tell me how afraid he is to go on the trip since we dont have a lot of the info needed for it yet. I cant help it, that we are at the mercy of the place I won it from , its not like I planned the trip through a travel agent. So my H started to say he doesnt want to go on it, he has too much anxiety. I didnt say anything, I was shocked and hurt, and getting screamed at for no reason, so I just sat there and listened.
Instead of getting pissed as I used to, I just let him rant & rave to me with out speaking. When he was done after about a half an hour schpeel. I tried to reassure him that I dont know the facts yet, since I was told all the airline info would be sent about two weeks before we leave. I said, I have all the other info and I would be happy to give it to ya, if it would make you feel better.
He said yeah, and now is insisting that he has every phone # and address and map directions, and airline #'s that we will be using before he will agree to still go with me. Normally I would have lost it there, and gave up on going with him. But I think I am just learning how to deal with his MLC/bipolar/alcoholism/or whatever it is... better. If I allowed myself to freak out at him due to the painful disrespect he shows me and allow my emotions to get in the way, I would have said "fine, I will go alone then and would have got up and left". Instead I remained calm and told myself not to get mad. He kindof apologized to me when he saw that I wasnt reacting much, and we setteled things.
We ML that night and he was nice to me in the morning. He went out & got us breakfast and came back and we watched a movie and ML again. I left this afternoon so we can both do errands and he wants to get together tonight.
Well now i am thinking back over our evening and it is all summed up in a few words, My H is still in MLC, still searching for his answers yet to be found, and definetly still acting like a teenager that is trying to find his way in life. I hope this doesnt go on forever. At least right now he seems to be sure that he loves me, cant keep his hands off me, and is thanking me for being here for him in his troubled times. So I need so much patience right now, because I am just going along for this MLC ride with him until he comes out of it, or leaves me again in search of more answers. TIPPER
Well in regards to what I posted above, I think my H may have realized after the fact that he was a bit mean that night he said he wasnt sure he wanted to go on this trip with me anymore.
The reason I say this, is because the very next day after he was done with work/errands he came over to my place with a copy of his new passport so I could give the changes needed to the company I won the trip through.
He was also really greatful to see that I wrote out a quick itinerary of our trip including important #'s, dates, and addresses.
I hope that we can go on this trip together with no major gliches, we really both are kind of scared to take such a big trip when we dont get half the vouchers & tickets until we are already flown down to florida.
I dont mind doing things on a whim, but my H often freaks out if every thing isnt perfect and when he has no control over things. I just hope that we have a great time, and that it isnt a trip that pulls us apart. TIPPER
THings have been going really well with my H and I lately.
This weekend we went up to his childhood camp and tented in the back yard with his sister and alot of her friends for our nephews 8th b-day party. It was fun and I think my H really appreciated me going with him even though things have been awkward in the family gatherings department.
My H has also started spending every night here with me with out us really talking about it. He just comes over nightly with the plan of staying with me. I am loving it.
Its like we are just letting things happen with out planning them and I see him wanting to be with me more and more.
H has been really nice lately. He took me out to dinner the other night at another fancy restaurant. I have been cooking new and healthier meals at home, and he keeps complimenting my work and telling me how it beats any restaurants best meal. He has also been complimenting my looks a lot when I first see him. He has been giving kisses or hugs out of the blue sometimes instead of just recirpocating mine. It all seems too good to be real.
Tonight we have plans to go downtown to watch some bands play. And tommorow night we have plans to do dinner with his folks for the first time in a long time. I hope its not too awkward.
I guess every thing is going very well, but I still have these huge fears built inside me that my H will all of a sudden give up again. Till this day, my H really has not told me anything I have done wrong in our M. I have even tried asking him before in the heat of an argument, if I just didnt cook or clean enough to his likings. Becuase he gives me no ideas as to what I did wrong in our M.
They say, you need to truely listen and hear what the WAS is telling you in regards to what a LBS should change. But I am still grasping for straws. I guess I wish I could just figure it out so that I could make changes that are neccessary and feel less stess about fearing that he will change his mind again. But he seems to be happy with me right now, so I guess I should stop the worrying. It is just hard when each time he has left me, he never gives me any ideas as to why other than himself not being happy with his own choices with his business/career.
I guess another thing that I am unsetteled about is that we dont really talk a whole lot about what has happened between us. We also dont talk a lot about our futures together either. I think I am just jumping the gun, since we have only been piecing for about three months. But we only take our R day by day, with no talk of the past hurts or future dreams. I know I need patience.
Last night my H wanted to take me out with his cousin & his cous's girlfriend to a Beer fest type of party that bands play at in our city we live in.
It was fun, especially for his cousin and him because they got tanked (as usual). Meanwhile, I enjoyed the bands but it was cold and rainy and his cous's GF was young and not too talkative.
At one point we went and stood under the radio stations tent to get out of the rain. There were only about 5 others under this little tent with us and the other thousands of people were under the beer tent. While we were there the funniest thing happened.
All of a sudden, this old creepy guy started to look me up and down, and then he asked me if I listen to that Radio station and my H and I said "yes". Then the guy asked me if I would be willing to get my picture taken for the "Hottie of the week contest". I said "no", and at the same time my H said "no". Then the guy started saying that the contest gives away 500$, and I should consider it. I was flattered but still didnt want to be part of it. So then My H says to me in front of this guy, "I will pay her 500$ just for her not to enter the contest because I know she will win". I laughed, and then I told my H not to worry & I have no interest in doing it. It was great, and I love my H to see and realize what he could have missed out on by leaving me. TIPPER
Things are still going well with my H and I. We still spend most of our nights together except for monday because he plays in the band and I leave when they are done playing and he stays and gets wasted. So last night I came home alone and now that is starting to feel wierd to me.
My H said something wierd the other night, that made me stop and think. He said that he thinks that we are just on different cycles in our lives. I was thinking inside to myself that its like he is starting being a teenager/fratboy where as I have allready been through that stage and now I am more in the "lets settle down phase".
I guess i keep thinking to myself that I hope with time he will grow up and act like an adult again, instead of constantly wanting to party. I say that I hope, but I am also enjoying the time he wants to be with me now. I know it is precious, and I get so scared that he will up and run out again.
Its like I am living with a H who kind of sort of wants to be M'd and sortof wants to have his freedom. He is in a type of limbo. Until he figures things out, we will live apart and he will continue living his freedom.
When he talks of his future, it is always about changing his career and buying things he wants and no talk of goals we used to have together (like raising a family, moving back into a nice house together, ect...). I can be patient and wait to set these goals back into action, I just dont feel like i am sure he will ever want these things again.
My H still acts and talks like he is completely in his MLC mode most of the time when talking about life topics. He is still seeking all sorts of acceptance from people in our community and all his new friends at the bars in town. He gets drunk and acts like he has had the best night ever when he runs into old acquaintances, and this happens all the time. He is changed into a very flirtatious man, and is constantly using his dry humor and picking at or on the other females around us, when he never used to act this way at all.
I dont want to sound like I am just complaining, I guess I just really need to know if this stuff is normal, and how much of it I should put up with and for how long. Suggestions, anyone??? I know each person and case is different and how long I put up with things are up to me, but I am hoping to hear from others that have or are piecing. Thanks, TIPPER
I'm not sure if I'm writing to give you advice, but I wanted to say that it's good to hear that you are spending so much time together. Also, you may have already mentioned this, but will either of you try counseling? If he won't do it, will you go on your own? I remember you writing early on that you thought that he may have a drinking problem, so a good c may be able to help you deal with that and the effect on your m.
My H is anti-counseling and would have to be pushed into going. I have known this for a while since last spring when he first left me and I begged him to consider doing counseling. He absolutely refused. Then when he left me again over the winter he even said to me that he knows we should get counseling but he feels it would have been a waste of time. So he didnt want to do it.
Now that he has been back with me since this spring C has only been mentioned once in the heat of a fight. But we never pursued it becuase we said if we need help making choices and finding solutions then we will try it. But I know he only said it to appease me, he really hates the idea of it, so I dont push it.
I have gone by myself to two different places and I really didnt get a whole lot from either one. Both councelors were telling me that he is an alcoholic and that the problems will only get worse and that I am better off alone. I didnt want to hear that, but both were credible sources and seemed to think just like my family and friends and everyone else that I just dont deserve what he has put me through.
I think that I am one of the only ones who can really see my H's pain (even though he only has the bankruptcy as an excuse) and I see that he is still searching to find himself (and a new career). This is going to take time, I just hope that I can deal with it all.
I have considered going back to counseling but I feel like I would have to hide it, so that my H doesnt think I am looney. Thats how he would look at it. Also I would have to hide it, becuase it would make H feel like I am just being a victim (his favorite line).
IDK what to do, C is expensive and I never felt like I got a whole lot out of it. Right now I am just using Michelles books as a guide and so far so good. I just have a whole lot of inner thoughts and emotions to deal with that I cant really speak out to my H with out the fear of him running.
Also, there have been small improvements on my H's drinking. He isnt going to the bars as much as he used to, he is spending more time with me. He does still pop into them, and get drunk though - but it is getting better. Much better than in this past year. TIPPER
