The reason why I said 'used', that's how I felt after ML, like a 1 night stand.
1 night stands don't notice your shaking.
1 night stands don't call you back.
1 night stands do not make eye contact like your wife did.
1 night stands mean a lot less than this meant.
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If I look back the only that has worked is being dark, validating, and giving her space, that is what got results. I understand it is 'her' time frame don't have a problem with that, I have a problem with being told to do something when it wasn't what she really wanted IMO.
See Brian, this is where I screwed up when I went through this. I lost my compassion for my wife. I forgot that she was struggling just as I was. I expected her to mean what she said. I expected her to always tell the truth. I expected her to know what was important. I expected her to be that same old wife that I had and forgot how much her heart was hurting, how confused she was, how much she was trying to figure out a way to come home.
You have to at some point recognize that your wife is counting on you to have faith in the US part of your relationship. While she is lost she is needing you to be the beacon that stays strong and guides her home. While she struggles to take even a step in the right direction she is counting on you to carry your marriage through her struggles.
Brian I am not trying to go deep on you here. I simply see your wife as heading in the right direction yet struggling so much because she is so damn lost. She wants to believe your changes are real, but cannot right now. She wants to feel loved and needed without it seeming like you are trying to make her feel that way. You have read smartcookie's stuff, the WAS is in the middle of this huge thunderstorm in their minds. They battle between the damage that has been caused and the promise of possible change.
How much do you love her Brian, enough to push aside the hurt and pain of her not having clarity long enough to give her a chance to come home.
Not for nothing my friend, but maybe, just maybe, her making love to you was not simply to make love, but God's way of telling you to hang on. You said the eye contact was amazing. You said you shook because of how nervous you were "like it was the first time". You must have faith in your marriage and trust that you being strong will guide her home. You have nothing to lose by being strong for her.
Ian
Ian my friend...
I know in my heart my W did not use me, I/we felt total connection. Yes the eye contact was as 1.
I guess this is why I have such a difficult time cause the compassion I feel for my W is and has always been before me this is no lie or embellishment. I adore my W. I can look at her and get weak in the knees, when we 1st met I gave her a nickname and it has always stuck I call her Sunshine.
I know she is counting on me to be strong as she always has, she has always said she gets her strength from me. She is scared because she has relied on me too much to make it right and lost who she is.
I agree with this to a point, as she is afraid of my changes sticking she seems more afraid to change what is wrong with her, she is trying to change I can see it but to do that she knows she must let me into her life & trust me which is not easy she has been hurt by so many men in her life.
I will continue to put aside my hurt and my needs to help her be herself. I have always put her needs 1st this is no lie or embellishment even when it comes to ML I worry about her enjoyment before mine I don't know how much more I can love her. That is why I come on here and vent and ramble so that I can be the man she wants & needs.
Yes that is all true it was beyond words the feelings that were flowing, funny thing is the act wasn't the climax the climax was ML into each others eyes, hard to explain it, it was as if our eyes were doing the love making it was truly nothing I have ever experienced before I fell more in love with my W that night than I did when we 1st met. If it is God's will then so be it I will be there.
There is a song that truly explains it all, now I'm kinda redneck but there is a song by Garth Brooks called, "The Dance" I think it pretty much explains life.
