State of Mind

[Phoenix_spark]

That's some great perspective. Improve without talking, I'm there for sure. When I get done with my current book I might have to look that one up.

[BeingMe]

Hi Wii! Thanks for your thoughts. There have been times that I will go months without saying a word about how I am feeling, and just act 'as if'. And, truth be told, I am not unhappy in the general sense (in fact, I am very happy with myself, and my life outside the M) --- just, not so with how the M is not meeting my particular emotional and physical needs. I try and express this to my H, but he doesn't tell me how he is feeling, or what he thinks about it. So, I have no idea what is on his mind, or where he thinks this M is going, or how long he expects me to hang on, or if he is just waiting for D15 to finish school and then he's off, yadda yadda yadda. I wonder, sometimes very briefly, if OW is still in the picture, or if there is another one.

As you say, I cannot continue doing what is not working, so I have to change things in some way. And, I have done this many times. So many, in fact, I am just unsure what more I can do, except to accept the status quo, or end the M.

I have been doing a lot of GAL activities --- mostly with D15, and sometimes S21 and I go out and chat. Since it is summer, and I am not working at the moment, D15 and I have been down to visit H in Portland, and that was fun. Hoping to visit D28 in St. Louis in August. We go to movies a lot. I have tried meeting up with new friends as much as I can at this time of year. Will be involved in some fundraising activities for D15's school trip to Japan next year. Been trying to go to the gym as much as possible, and also preparing (or trying to prepare) for the fitness certification exam. I am also registered for BA classes starting in Sept, so will be uber-busy then. I do want to start going to dance classes (for the fitness aspect) in Sept, so that should be fun.

So, life is fun, and busy.

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! Yeah, I think I will get the book too, although I am also busy reading a lot (picked up some interesting books at Powell's in Portland --- so cheap).

For me, at the moment, it's not so much 'improve without talking', it's just that I have nothing left to say. So, why bother restating anything, or pointing out the obvious (well, to me it is, and I cannot believe he is happy with not having a physical R, but he doesn't want to talk about it --- therefore, nothing gets said, and we have King Kong sitting on our bed every weekend when he's home). Ugh!

[Phoenix_spark]

I have a hard time comprehending that he has nothing to say for himself, or what his reasons are. No clues as to what the issue is? I guess I would have to say to him, "throw me a bone here, this problem affects both of us and I'm getting tired of sitting in the dark". Does he feel that he's already explain the sitch to you , but feels you are not listening to what he is saying? Or is it a case of since he feels that there is no solution (which he can figure out), why bring it out in the open and just rub salt on the open wound?

If I remember right, didn't you do a stint with a C? Was there anything voiced there which can be of any use? The fact that a person who is motivated enough to go out and land the jobs that your H has can not step forward, make some reasonable choices, have a decent dialog and solve this problem.

Your H has me very confused. Perhaps he feels guilty for what he has done, but doesn't want to admit or be held accountable for it. So, if he just ignores it, time will take away some of the "sting" and then make dealing with it not as critical. I guess there is only one person who knows the answers to that and he's not saying much.

My prayers are with you.

[BeingMe]

With C, and with me alone, he just agrees with me that we have a problem, but can't explain why it is so --- points out that he is affectionate with hugging, and kissing hullo/goodbye, and saying ILY's. I think he thinks this should be enough. Can't he see how rejected I may feel after 3 years of barely any romance --- just like he says he felt for the times I was LD? He doesn't seem to have empathy in that regard. A couple of years ago, he did say that perhaps he is depressed (but, won't see a C, because he doesn't have time, or the inclination), or maybe he wants me to see that we can have a R without his demanding sex. He didn't quite put it that way, but that is how I understood it, and he hasn't said that again. And, I certainly didn't think it would go on this long. He listens to me, agrees with me, and then does nothing. Pretty much how he used to deal with his mom --- he will listen, agree, and go and do whatever he wanted. I, however, am not his mother, and don't appreciate this kind of treatment. It is so frustrating because he is generous, a good provider, friendly, affectionate to a degree, supports my going back to school, a good dad, but we still have this King Kong sitting on our bed every night he is home.

I just don't know what else to do, or even if I really want to do anything. Maybe, he is hoping I will just give up and leave the M, and he will come out looking like the victim, and so it won't look so bad if he gets together with OW then (if she is still on the scene). I think this, sometimes, because it all seems so contrived --- making sure he hugs me, greets me with the usual kiss, takes me out on our usual date, phones me a few times a day (for like a minute to ask how things are, and then rushes off to a meeting, or to do his laundry, or to dinner, or time to go to bed --- seldom do we really chat about anything, unless it's a work concern, or about one of the kids), and rushes around doing stuff around the house on the weekend (which is nice, but he barely takes a minute to relax with me --- it's like he has to have every minute busy with something, and then he's exhausted by bed-time and is sound asleep by the time I come to bed). There is nothing spontaneous, or really loving, sharing our feelings type of stuff happening.

As I am typing this, I can sense that I am just wasting my time with him. He is not a stupid man, so he must know what he is doing, and what it could be doing to me --- I feel like it's purposeful. It is pointless talking to him, he says little in counselling, and won't discuss anything with me (not our R, not our financial stuff, or anything that truly concerns me). I feel like I am allowing myself to lose ME in this M, and I don't want to do that again. It always comes down to what he wants, his career, what he wants to do (like going biking) --- it's never confrontational, but done in such a way, that you feel a fool not going along with him, or somehow it was all your idea too.

Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!! I like him, but I don't trust him, and I don't think I really love him anymore. I do care about him, though. He is the father of my children, and for that, I will always be grateful, but I just feel dead inside when I think about him in a romantic way. I am just going through the motions. I think he's left it too late ... too much water under the bridge, and I cannot do this much longer. I don't even want to ML with him anymore anyway, so it really is a moot point at this moment --- ML that is, or any kind of romance with him or anyone else --- that door is shut for now.

Maybe I am just looney, and expecting too much? I am just really tired of it all, and wish I could be in charge of my own destiny and not sharing it with someone who really doesn't seem to want the kind of M I want. The hope and expectation for a better M is gone --- what more is there left to fight for?

Thanks for reading my rant, if you got this far! And, thanks for your thoughts, Phoenix. If you are confused by my H, you can just imagine how confused I am. Head spinning stuff!

[ACJ]

BM,
I have to confess that after reading your last post I'm confused so can possibly see how your H might be also.

You start by saying that you don't want a M without intimacy and yet you end by saying that the door on intimacy is shut to anyone right now. Even if you haven't expressed this to your H I'm sure he will have sensed it.

From what you say you have gone through problems with LD before and maybe your H doesn't want to re-visit the hurt (for either of you) in relation to this. It certainly seems that if he does have the vocabulary to voice his opinions/fears on this that he is not prepared to use it.

As long as you are happy it doesn't matter what action you take. I just wanted to highlight to you how you are saying two different things right now.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! Yeah, it may sound like I am saying two things, but just to clarify --- I do want a more richly intimate M, but my H has left off this for so long, that I have closed the door on it (not locked, mind you). It just hurts too much to think that he is not even attracted to me, or loves me enough to try and discuss this, or seek some help. I am tempted to assume he isn't attracted to me, and probably doesn't really love me --- just came back for the sake of the kids, maybe. I just don't know anymore, and am starting to really not care.

Yes, I was LD a long time ago --- self esteem issues due to my childhood, and made worse by my H's porn addiction, and lack of affection outside of the bedroom. He knows this, and we have talked about it. It took me a lot of work to realise that it wasn't my issues, that I'm just fine, and so by the time I found out about the A, our love life was certainly getting to the point of being great. That was 4 years ago, and we continued to ML during the A, and then I stopped it 'cause he was eating cake, and I started moving on with my life. Then he wanted back into the M, and it was not long after that (3 years ago) when I expressed a need for more romance that he just seemed to lose interest. I have spoken to him about this aspect several times since, and have just now given up. Pointless to beat a dead horse. So, I closed the door on intimacy because I don't want to be tempted into an A myself, and I am tired of being hurt every weekend when he is home, and still shows no interest in me, romantically.

And, I did express this to him the last time we talked (or, should I say, I talked, to him about my concerns). He's going to have his work cut out for him to get me to open up to him, and allow myself to be vulnerable again.

Thanks for pointing out my confusing post --- helped to clear things in my own mind, writing all this down. And, you know, I am happy within myself. I have done all I can do to save my M --- I have no regrets in that regard. So, now I don't have to waste anymore time focussing on that aspect of my life. The ball is in H's court now. And, I can live with or without him --- all the same to me.

Take care.

[ACJ]

BM,
Thanks for clarification. I can fully understand where you are coming from. I know my LD contributed towards my Hs As. That's one of the reasons why I didn't persue a D when I found out about what I thought was the first one (it wasn't!). It's also one of the reasons why i am still standing for my M. Don't get me wrong I'm not making excuses for my H just b/c I had LD (due to similar issues as yours but also related to childbirth) I didn't deserve to be cheated on but I have to recognise that my inability to deal with this issue in the correct way contributed to the situation.

Whatever you decide to do in the future I hope you are happy.

[BeingMe]

So, we leave tomorrow, for another trip to Portland. This time, I am taking D15's two best friends with. We'll be gone for a week. I think there will be a lot of shopping going on, but we will also visit the zoo, so that should be fun.

Hope y'all have a great week!

[whatisis]

Being Me, have a great trip... to the second best country in the world!