Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

Have you read Husband's thread since he returned from his Retrouvaille weekend? He and his wife had lived in almost silence for the past year, and he was asking all of us what she thought that whole time. Now he knows what she thinks and feels and they are both happy to set aside 20 minutes a day to talk about their feelings. His marriage has direction again, and the past is really past. I think Retrouvaille could be just as good for you. It is not just a place to reconcile with your spouse. That is a side effect. It is a place to meditate about your hopes and dreams for your own life and to discuss that with your spouse. If you find that you can still grow together, then reconciliation happens. It could help your husband clarify his thinking about his life and help you see if there is a role for a woman in that future scenario.

Yes, I have been reading his thread with great interest. The 20 minutes a day thing has me concerned. *sigh* I had told him that it wasn't like MarriageBuilders with a bunch of rules and time requirements. Plus, not living together makes it pretty hard to do something "per day". Shoot, we go several days at a time without talking. bugger.

it has more to do with YOU and how you feel, than how you're handling things. My biggest concern is that you spend way too much time putting your days/weeks/weekends on hold for him, waiting around to see if he's going to entertain you or not. Seeing him is one thing - letting your life revolve around him when he's so "waffly" is another and that's where I worry for you.

Hmm..well, I feel like I am getting tired of "waiting", but will wait awhile longer because I don't want to look back and think I quit too soon.
With regard to waiting for him to entertain me- I think I should clarify something. As an introvert, too much "going out" burns me out- fast. I like to do things with people, etc, but my need for that is actually pretty low compared to most of the world.

(Holidays excluded)-I guess I don't feel like I have "missed out" on a bunch of stuff because of the fluidity of the plans with H. ..I suppose to extroverts, it would look like I am sacrificing because I can't accurately book up my whole weekend with doing things. Thing is- I don't WANT to have gobs of stuff to go do. I'll leave it at that because I'm not explaining it well and I know that it won't make sense to about 75% of the population.

It's great that he's wanting to make long term plans with you - I'm glad to hear it! I don't know exactly how the convo went but based on what I know and on my sitch, I almost feel like you jump so eagerly at any plan he suggests that it might be TOO much. As in it might be sending (or more like reaffirming) that message that you're right there waiting and available anytime he even hints at wanting to do something together. Not only that, you'll even make all the plans!

This is how it went down; we accidentally drove into a campground and he said "wow, I wish we were here. I could be playing guitar, there could be a fire; we could play cards...we should come back here and camp in sometime in September."

During hike he brings up coming back, hiking there again, camping-maybe bringing the 4x4 jeep. He discusses how HE will take care of renting a Harley for the Steely Dan weekend this coming week. (Side note, he rented it today for 3 days aug 1st-3rd.)

We forgot to pick up a Recreation Pass before the hike; we stopped by the ranger station to buy one after the hike and they were closed. Ranger station is across street from campground. H says "Ok, how about you be in charge of picking us up the Recreation Pass? Oh- and there's that campground- write that down and see if you can get us reservations for September."

He is busier than me so I don't mind handling these things...

Gosh, Nik, I hope you don't write me off. Really, I SO appreciate your advice, I don't want you to think I don't! I just want to flesh out the story so you can see that it wasn't a sitch where he absently mindedly said "hmmm...camping..." and I jumped up and said "Oh camping? great- let's go to this campsite- and don't worry- I'll make the reservations- I'll take care of it all". It was more collaborative than that.

And you better believe I will not be making the reservations for the same weekend as retro. I wish I didn't know about the 20 minutes per day thing...ugh. That's gonna probably put a damper on his willingness.