WAW#10 Feather Ruffle

[craig54]

Phil, you are starting to understand, you can't walk the walk. that takes a lot of courage to admit that. We all know you love your wife.walking the walk takes patience and hard work, and alot of praying.There is not one day that I don't pray for my wife, my family and myself.The Lord has got me through the hardest part, he can do the same for you. You have the will,now you must find the way.Listen to the veterans of this bb. Their knowledge is full of wisdom.i will continue to pray for you Phil.

[mrz99]

LostPhil -
I am new at this also and you remind me of ground that I have covered. Constant contact with the W will continue to drive you crazy. You have to find a way to limit the contact (phone, text and person to person). I found it incredibly difficult to, but once it started to happen my stress level and anxiety level decreased dramatically. My W pushed all of my buttons without even knowing she did so. Since she was uncapable of saying what I wanted to hear, then the buttons were pushed. It so more peaceful not having that. I am then free to work on myself and work on my relationship with my family. If I make the mistake of picking up her call, I can feel the immediate impact on how I am feeling. Right now I try to avoid it at all costs. The interesting side effect is then when I backed off, so did she. I was not in her face talking about the R and that has made her more relaxed to be around when the occasion is required.

Every encounter that you avoid is one less encounter to think about when it is over. I have gotten real good at needing a shower when I hear her stop over, or the need to make a quick run to the store for something totally unneeded. Even if she is still there when I am done or return, the situation is somewhat disarmed because the "tenseness" of when they first arrived has evaporated somewhat.

I don't know if that helps. It's working for me.

[LostPhil]

mrz99,

You see I'm not the one making the contact she is. She comes to the house. She comes announced. Then she shows up dressed like a hotty, and she leaves pretty much saying, "haha you can't have me, and I look so good."

I don't call her. I don't text her. However when she does contact I do tend to linger too much.

Really I don't think any of this matters. I don't even think she remembers anything. I think she only hears what she wants to hear or what she does hear is not right.

Again today asking me when daughters game is, after I told them all last night it is Weds at 6. I talked to MIL said I just want to be sure you know I'm coming to get the kids tomorrow after work to go to D's game.

Yes my life is filled with anxiety everytime I know she is coming. When she has to drop the kids off to go to work. However she assumes I will be here and she does not bother to discuss if I'm hear.

Now I'll do anything for my kids. I'm not going to be vindictive one day and not be here.

Man, I think lastnight I just had a bulleye on from the devil. I got it from her sister. I got it from her. I got it from her friend. I got it from her sister because her sister and her were fighting over something. So the shedevil tried to drag me into her pit. Then I mention to my wife that her friends sticks up for me, and I immediately get hammered by her friend for that.

Yes I call my SIL the shedevil because IMHO she caused more trouble in my marriage than you can shake a stick at. Filled my wife's head up with so much bull crap I can't even get through.

Now my wife is just forgetful... I don't buy it? Is she really forgotten from day to day.

I wish she would forget the bad. Focus on the good. Has she forgotten all the good? Has she really lost her mind? Is she really in the fog that bad?

If I'm the lighthouse I need to become wise and wise quick.

Last night my other cousin was talking to me. He said he didn't want to tell me but she was asking about me. How I was? He gave her fluff. He is living. Then he told her look I have to pick a side, and I'm not picking you. So don't call or text me anymore because I'm on Phil's side, and it would not be fair to him.

Really my cousin did't help during WAS live in stage. I talked to him everyday for hours on end. He also talked to her at least a couple times a week. She even went to his house late at night a few times. Which really got my imagination freaked out. But he played both sides of the fence. I told him to knock it off then.

Yes anxiety before interaction because I never know which wife is going to show up.

One day maybe she'll start taking responsibilty for the failure. It seems like I just keep taking all the blame. It's tiring its exhausting. It's a marathon. Someday I hope to laugh all this off.

Now tonight I'm calm, because there hasn't been any contact except the couple of text today. I was happy with her just texting back hi. Then hours later she asks about the game.

You know I felt pretty good all day. I crashed a little before dinner, but I snapped out of it again. I knew she was going to get off work soon, and I was just thinking please do not come home and mess with me tonight.

Now the kids are down their grandparents. I'm home alone, and GOD only knows what she is doing. I trust in him.

[LostPhil]

Yep, She just can't stop messing with me.

At 10 she text: When ru pick up kids so I can tell mom.

I wait 15 minutes. She text: I need to know

Well I already talked to her mom at 9 and told her I would be there after 5. Have to be at the field at 6.
So this I go dim on. I wait till 20 till 11 and text. When I spoke with the kids I talked to your mom and told her after 5. You act like you don't know. Sorry, I love you.

Then I wait 5... nothing so I text back good night. Immediately she text back good night.

Why did she need to know so bad at 10 at night? All bull crap.

Now I know hit me in the head. I shouldn't have said. You act like you don't know. Sorry, I love you.

I talked to mom because I wanted to make sure there was no confusion. I told mother, your daughter doesn't remember things and is getting worse. So I'm telling you mother that I will be there after five. I said by the way mom I'm hanging in there.

Oh that's right she didn't ask. Well I felt like telling her anyway.

You know if we did reconcile, I don't think I would want them in my life anymore. Phoney baloneys... We love you, you are always going to be our son in law. You are welcome in our home anytime. You think they could just pick up the phone and ask me how I'm doing. I know it's their daughter and blood is thicker than water. But I always felt like blood with mom, especially Dad. Him and I were tight. We were like best friends. Now nothing... Catholic Phoney baloneys....

I say Catholic Phoney baloneys because they act all self righteous like they have a direct path to heaven. Mom is a Chrisitan Mother and was the acting director of religous education for 10 years.

Dad always harped the importance of the Church. I would argue with him because I never saw eye to eye on the abortion issue with him. I always said I don't believe legalization of abortion is a bad thing. I don't believe in it, but we can't make laws against it. People and yes even Catholics will get abortions anyways and they will do it in a very unsafe manner. I needed to find out myself, and accept the Church as a whole and not piece mail it.

People piece mail. They justify their actions. They know what their daughter is like. Gee whiz dad told me when I asked to marry his daughter that if she ever got out of line to back hand her, because she can be a real b. Now I'm the abusive one. Dad told me a few months that his daughter told him that I was abusive and he didn't know what to believe because he saw her hit me so many times. What about the constant verbal abuse I put up with? Did I just breathe this woman's air wrong all the time.

Ok, LostPhil. Why do you want her back? It's nice and quiet at home here tonight. Good Ball game on.

[sofaraway]

Phil, understand that parents take on a lot of the guilt of the situation at hand and facing you is a constant reminder that their Daughter did all this.

Odd's are that in some respect they look at this as their failure as well.

A lot of the time things are said with the best of intentions:

We love you, you are always going to be our son in law. You are welcome in our home anytime

But as time progresses, they deal with their own guilt as well as the fact that she is their blood.

Enjoy the game Phil, 12th inning.....it's a barn burner......



Ian

[LostPhil]

Dude, this game is killing me. I'm just glad Nate is doing well and getting play time. My buccos never seem to get any press. Yeah I know they are the buccos. 16 losing seasons in a row. But they are still my buccos. Think we are going to run out of pitchers. They should make this a series. One game is kind of worthless. People want to see there favorite players play not sit on the bench. Man when Pujols got thrown out he was robbed! He was safe... It was a great throw, but they should have gave the base runner the benefit of doubt. There have been some bad calls.

I agree that her parents are ignoring the situation. That is how Dad always dealt with us. Everytime I wanted to open up to him and explain to him his daughters behavior. He would never talk about anything. He would act like nothing was wrong and nothing happened.

Problem is though when he would try to help he would just make it worse. He was say stuff to his other daughter and then it would just get back in a negative way. Back during WAW live in I told her Dad that she was leaving the house at midnight and not returning till 7 AM. So good little daddy goes and tells older daughter. Older daughter B|tches out wife and calls her a bad mom.

DAM Son in Law calls Dad, your daughter is out of control. Dad goes to older daughter. Older daughter does it again. Then I get screamed at for telling on her.

I mean he did the same thing in the past. He would say stuff to his wife that I did confide in him and some how it would get back to wife all twisted. I remember calling him one day and saying what is your problem, keep your mouth shut and stay out of it. Now he does.

Rather than sitting down with his daughter and saying. What the hell are you doing staying out all night? What is your problem? Is it that bad at home? So the real problem never go addressed. He doesn't know how to deal with her. Because his wife was the same way. My Aunt told me my wife is just like her mother, but worse. Temper tantrums.

Then I quickly learned not to even talk to them about anything.

I mean even the other week when I picked up the kids after work. I looked at both of them and said I don't know what your daughter is doing because she doesn't talk to me and is going through a mid life crisis or something. They just looked at me with droopy eyes.

Yes this is tearing up the whole family, but it really is showing me what people are made of. How phoney they are.

I'm afraid Dad and I will never have the relationship we had.

Who knows what she tells them. I mean she can't even remember one simple thing like her daughter has a ball game on Weds. Then she is trying to schedule with me through text her next day events.

Is this a red flag to MLC world. No planning, no future. Day by day... Or is she just mental?

[Delil@h]

I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. You know what though. At least I don't feel down. It's like I'm really giving up. She has lost her mind, and I just keep making things worse.

Nothing I say will change anything. So why do I keep doing it over and over again. Anger, fuel... burning...

I'm dealing with insanity... complete utter insanity. I keep pushing her further and further away.

I'm so stupid.... For some reason I feel alright.

You are not the biggest idiot on the planet... you love this Woman. So you are going to feel alot of mixed emotions right now.


And yes they will seems insane.
My H even shared with me when he had , tried to be , whatever, "intimate" with her.....

Are you kidding me?
They will say and do things no sane person would.
Yeah and sometimes it feels like we the LBS~ are on our way to the crazy house with them.
BTDT~


Keep your feet on solid ground.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results, expecting different ones..
Something like that.

Have you really read thru the book honey?

I think the goal setting points would be good for you.
As In :
in three weeks I will not be doing her laundry.
or...
in three weeks she will actually be nice to me and smile at me

You are going to have emotions hon,
that run from fully calm and sane to feeling like you are an idiot ...
like you said.

All normal, although like I said an idiot you are not.


I used to use the term FOOL~ for myself.

So Phil... sorry you had a bad day yesterday.. today is a new day.
Please work on YOU~
you will never be able to control the things she does.
The more you learn to let go the better.
Letting go although it sounds so simple is actually one of the hardest things you will learn to do.
The more you let go the more at peace you will be.
But remember I need you to work on not being her doormat.
It will do her or you no good.
You need to read no more mr nice guy.

I have never read it but I hear it does wonders for Nice guys like you!

God has good things in store for you ,, I am sure of it.
Have a wonderful day..
God bless...
~Ali

[LostPhil]

Ok, here is what I'm now confused about.

At 11 AM she texted me. Can u bring me a chair?

I decide not to answer this text. I'm assuming that she means bring her a chair to our daughters game.

1. She always states she isn't allowed to use her cell phone at work.

2. She knows I'm going to bring chairs.

Now I'm wondering if this is a smart thing not to answer. It's been a couple of hours so I think I will. Then I try to send it and it will not go through.

The storm, the power went out, her parents showed up, the network went down, our children give no space. Now it will not let me send the text.

I'll cancel it... Must mean not to send it. It was a question that did not pertain to kids or financials.

Does it bring me closer to my goal not responding?

[craig54]

phil, take her a chair. no i dont think it will get you closer to your goal.

[mrz99]

It doesnt bring you closer to her goal. But if it allows you to stay calmer by disregarding the call or text ... then by all means disregard the call or text. You can always tell her later it was the storm or the network was down