Interesting. In retrospect, would you choose these men again knowing what you know now?
Hello Kerry! You're back!
I wouldn't choose my ex-boyfriend to marry. I never wanted to marry him or have his children. We had a very passionate love for each other and were so young when we got together (I was 18; he was 21). We were together nearly 10 years and I think I was so devastated when he broke it off because he's all I ever knew up to that point. I had casual boyfriend's before him, but he was my "first love". Breaking up was the right thing to do, but the way he did it was harsh and extremely hurtful.
I would most certainly choose my husband again. The man I married is a wonderful, charming, funny, kind, generous man. The man he is today is unrecognizable. I'm trying to figure out what spurred this horrendous change. Sometimes my thoughts tell me that being married to him has made me so much better, but him being married to me has turned him into a monster. I don't get it.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Do you know what you would choose in a man if this marriage fails?
I would choose someone exactly like the man I married (not the "current" husband), but he would have to be a million times more communicative. This is my husband's biggest fault in our marriage.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
You mention the difference in interests between your H and yourself. And also how OW and H have more in common with their outside interests. They say that opposites attract and that it is good to not have every thing in common. Right now, your H is attracted to OW because she is pursuing him and has a lot in common with him in activity interests. I wish she was out of the picture for you because I believe it would lift some of the fog clouding your H's thinking.
I should clarify. My husband and I have many of the same interests. We both love the outdoors (hiking, rivers, lakes, oceans), we share a similar sense of humor, we love the same music, food, we love to travel, and on and on. I should have said I'm not a "gifted" athlete. I ran a marathon (Portland!), I workout daily, I love to ride my mountain bike, roller blade, kayak, etc. But I wasn't a pro skateboarder and I didn't have mad fencing or knife throwing skills. I just don't care for the redneck atmosphere of the archery place. I have nothing against rednecks - my dad is a redneck - but I don't want to spend my weekends in that environment when I could be doing something more enlightening. ;-)
I think my husband and I are more compatible as a couple than he and OW could ever be. I, too, wish she would get out of the picture. I told my C today that I'm not someone to hold a grudge, but she has made it obvious to me that she values my husband's friendship over mine - she used to be one of my very best friends. I force myself to be very professional and friendly at the office, but it's so very difficult because of the betrayal and disloyalty I feel. But, you know what? I could probably forgive her if she sought my forgiveness. I don't think that will ever happen. I have a text message saved on my phone that says, "gfi, I have always loved you and considered you my best friend. I am not sleeping with your husband. What can I do to stop your pain?" Sorry. Not going to cut it. You want me to spell it out for you???? How about, "I cherish your friendship. I value you as a person. If my friendship with your husband has crossed a line, I was simply unaware. I will do whatever it takes to mend our rift." And then she should have stayed the hell away from my husband and SHOWED me she meant every word. Oh well.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I just don't care for the redneck atmosphere of the archery place. I have nothing against rednecks - my dad is a redneck - but I don't want to spend my weekends in that environment when I could be doing something more enlightening. ;-)
Take the archery somewhere else. Nothing could be more enlightening than arial bowfishing for silver carp...
At 4:00 minutes in, these guys are having way too much fun with fish jumping in the boat.
Back to your counseling answer... It is not your bad choice in men after all. It is what happens to the men and there unfortunately was no way for you to foresee that. About your only indication might have been your H's lack of good communication when you first met, but you could not have seen that as a detrement at the time.
Now that I know what I have learned through my own M crisis, I hope to meet in the future a divorced woman that was an LBS and tried to fight for her M. I also believe my next lady will be more mature and experienced in life.
GFI, you are so sweet & adorable & caring, & gorgeous. I've said it before, & I'll say it again, your H is a total fool.
I'm really glad to see you thinking through so much, & sharing. Good job ! Ms. "I'll handle it alone". xoxoxoxoxoxo You don't have to, we're all here to offer support & encouragement.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
cookie, you're making me cry on my own thread now. Guess I just needed some loving today. Thanks for knowing what I needed. You're such a wonderful mom! I'm still up for adoption, by the way.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I've also gone round and round with myself. I guess it's easier in my sitch because W did this before under identical circumstances, so I keep reminding myself that it's something in her, not me. Remember when I was re-reading letters and everyone came down on me for keeping them? Well, I was re-reading them to remind myself that she has her own demons and that's what caused things to disintegrate.
I should add that this post is pretty accusatory towards the dumped spouse. Take it with a big grain of salt! Cheating just isn't right - no excuse.
For a long time I didn't get what was going on, but now I'm really thinking hard about why I chose to be with W and I wonder if there's stuff there I'm not completely admitting to myself. She was gone a lot and pretty much took care of herself - did I choose being with her for those reasons? Not sure, still thinking.
Hey, you like all the same things i do - we'll definitely have to plan a hike or something sometime. Do you skate ski by any chance? I ended up going alone last year cause I couldn't find anyone to go with. Usually go up to royal gorge by Sugar Bowl.
Anyway, be gentle with yourself. Ultimately you tried and he didn't.
I know I lost a lot of myself because I was so devoted to my husband and wanted to be the perfect wife. I always thought when you got married, you were supposed to do all you could to ensure your spouse's needs were being met. I may have gone overboard, but I would have hoped he could have talked to me about it rather than turning to her, you know? In hindsight, I realize equal focus must be placed on self and spouse. I believe I probably was a bit boring during the past year... bummer. I think the rejection I continued to face took its toll and I just stopped trying to initiate anything with him.
When my first relationship ended, my ex bf said I never made him feel "needed". He said I was too independent and he needed to feel needed. It's a delicate balance between being "needy" (which I don't think I was, but maybe I'm not looking closely enough at my past behavior in my marriage) and making the one you're with feel needed. Or maybe not all men need to feel needed? I dunno.
Originally Posted By: lodo
Hey, you like all the same things i do - we'll definitely have to plan a hike or something sometime. Do you skate ski by any chance? I ended up going alone last year cause I couldn't find anyone to go with. Usually go up to royal gorge by Sugar Bowl.
I've never tried skate skiing. I wouldn't classify myself as an accomplished snow bunny. I once scootched down a black diamond in Tahoe on my bum. And I pissed off a bunch of show offs on the moguls... not my finest day, but fun. I always find a way to make an experience fun. That's one thing I love about me... that and I'm game to try just about anything once (unless we're talking bungee jumping or base jumping (I almost typed freebasing! - not interested in that either!!!). A hike would be awesome!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
xoxoxoxoxoxo You don't have to, we're all here to offer support & encouragement.