well he asked last night and i said i was busy- which i was- i waited for him to ask...then i asked today if he wanted to join me for a hike and he said yes...the 2 week thing just happened that way- i think he gets his courage up to see me...he really opened up HUGE 2 weeks gao- about all the changes he needs to make, he doesnt think the grass is greener, etc..it was amazing- then he emailed me and said he likes seeing me but its too hard on his emotions- then he emailed me last night for dinner...bc i hadnt asked him at all to get together...
i also want to reply to your email about the see saw above- all those questions you asked were things i have looked at- i did it all. therapy, women's groups Pro marriage), books, worked on myself, started grad school, started a nutrition program & lost weight, everything...it was all still not enough for him. he did nothing for our M. nothing. i was always willing and ready to bend over backwards for our M. if you asked him he would say he did a lot- like???? so now i think this space is making him realize UH OH, it isnt her and i did nothing...
thats my fear- he has a lot to fix for himself...not sure he is up to the challenge...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
"make sense ? How did you break the see saw ? How did your giving enable him so that he didn't learn to give back ? Did you ask him for what you wanted ? Is he normally a giver or taker ? My H was absolutely a taker. I was totally a giver. I had to teach him. "
i think i am in the same boat as you- he was the taker, i did all the work, i have a hard time asking for what i needed and i know i cant do that right now... wow SC!!! how did you teach him? you backed off right? you even said you arent doing all you can for the R bc he needs to fill the void- thats what i am trying to do here
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
How did your giving enable him so that he didn't learn to give back ? Did you ask him for what you wanted ? Is he normally a giver or taker ? My H was absolutely a taker. I was totally a giver. I had to teach him.
You asked pisces9, but it felt like you were talking to me! Actually, I think you said this very same thing a couple of days ago. "You have to teach him". Keep talking, wise Cookie. I'm learning a lot. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
i think i am in the same boat as you- he was the taker, i did all the work, i have a hard time asking for what i needed and i know i cant do that right now... wow SC!!! how did you teach him? you backed off right? you even said you arent doing all you can for the R bc he needs to fill the void- thats what i am trying to do here
Go back & read my first few posts. Basically, an OM helped me kick his *ss, & we had a shift in power.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I have so much to learn. I am in need of a good 2x4 I'm afraid. I don't want to be waiting at home for him to just waltz in from his motorcycle ride. I'm hurting and I haven't seemed to have made much progress yet.
I want this m to work out and I want to DB and all. I keep mushing out.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
<<well he asked last night and i said i was busy- which i was- i waited for him to ask...then i asked today if he wanted to join me for a hike and he said yes
good so far
<<the 2 week thing just happened that way- i think he gets his courage up to see me...he really opened up HUGE 2 weeks gao- about all the changes he needs to make, he doesnt think the grass is greener, etc..it was amazing- then he emailed me and said he likes seeing me but its too hard on his emotions- then he emailed me last night for dinner...bc i hadnt asked him at all to get together...
Hm, I have two responses. I don't know you that well yet, do you want the soft one, or the real one ?
<< all those questions you asked were things i have looked at- i did it all. therapy, women's groups Pro marriage), books, worked on myself, started grad school, started a nutrition program & lost weight, everything...it was all still not enough for him.
Was it enough for you though ?
<<he did nothing for our M. nothing. I was always willing and ready to bend over backwards for our M. if you asked him he would say he did a lot- like???? so now i think this space is making him realize UH OH, it isnt her and i did nothing...
There is compromise & accommodation. Compromise, you move 3 steps closer, He moves 3 steps closer. Accommodation, you move 6 steps closer. He stands still. Why do you accommodate him ? I think you deserve those 3 steps. (geez, it was just a few months/weeks ago I was learning this from my C). gentle hugs
<<thats my fear- he has a lot to fix for himself...not sure he is up to the challenge...
I understand the fear. Get past it, that's his leverage. Either he will change & you stay with him, or he won't & you leave him because you do deserve someone who will move 3 steps when you ask them to.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Why do you keep mushing out ? If you want it, do it.
Warm gentle girlie hugs, now get out of the house, go anywhere, Target, the park, the store, anywhere.
I'm not sure I can do 2x4's. LOL
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Smart cookie, I'm at the library in order to have internet access. I have to get with it and act as if, right? I will do this somehow.
I know you are right. Everyone here is right. Starting now I have to just toughen up when I am around him. As long as I can come here and mush that is.
2x4's would probably hurt less!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
SC, How's your book writing project going? What are you studying in grad school? This is all about communication and curing NFC disease between (almost) DAMs vs. WAWs. I think the MLCs are a different breed. Someday if you can get your H to join in here wouldn't that be something for all of us learn from ? Most of the H's here want to save the M but they are not given ANY chance by the WAW ;-).
