What should I do at this point?

[Cade]

Hi Hardlesson,

Yes it can be difficult to be her friend, but for our children - I am doing what is best in my case....for now.

At times, I want to just deal with her as a business partner, but it is hard because.....Our children our priceless, I don't see them as material property....not to say what you are doing is wrong...I just don't see myself at this point doing that....I know I should considering what I had to deal with this Sunday after I dropped off our children:

I dropped off our children this past Sunday afternoon. I didn't stay long as DB indicates you should do. After I left, I called her about 1hr later indicating what was going on with our girls....I told her that our oldest had a booboo on her knee, and that was it.

Later after 4hrs later, she calls me and pratically yells out the following "Where is K....underwear!?"...I replied - "I'm sorry, should have told you earlier...K... had a potty accident...underwear was very messy". exW interupts and says "What did you do with it!? Throw it away or do you have it!?. I reply with - "Keep the one she has now"....she replies with "THAT IS NOT THE POINT!?...and then just hangs up...OUCH!

5 minutes later - exW calls back "What did you do with I....underwear". I reply with "Isn't she wearing underwear, I asked her to wear a new pair". ExW replies - "Please return our children with the clothes that you pick them up with, I can't afford to keep buying them new ones everytime"...I reply with a "OKAY"....and she just hangs up.....OUCH!

So, yes I may just have to just consider being business like at times, but I just want to act "AS IF" when I contact her, be friend for now....ONLY for our children sake. I want them to one day say, "Considering what my mom did to our family, and to my dad....he kept being her friend.".

As for the jealous feeling, I guess I still do.....I feel like I was lied to for over 13yrs...meaning what bonded us together for those amount of years.....convience, sympathy, being comfortable...what was it....

After I found that email - I was shocked, my trust went down hill from there. She blames me for every little thing....which I have admitted to the abuse....but hey, what about her...

I still have feelings for her that is true, I know that we are divorced, and what ever she is doing is her business, but man, she could have been honest with me and just said "Hey, I know that we have been together for awhile, but I have been talking to someone or seeing someone." then her and I could have not fought so much in court for custody of our children.....50/50 would have been easier, rather than go through a 2 to 3yr court hassle.....so yes, I am jealous, angry, hurt....mainly I feel backstabbed. Normal feelings.

I just don't understand why she could have not just considered a separation..... I am sorry, just going on and on in a tangent....just trying to get past it. At times, I guess I loved her more than she loved me.

[Phoenixdeux]

Ugghhh,

I was under the understanding you were being "friends". That bit about the underwear wasn't too "friendly" if you ask me. You handled it well...I'd have probably bit her head off right back. Several things to keep in mind in your new life:
1) She gave up the right to talk to you in that manner with the divorce papers. Politely get off the phone. What's she going to do? Divorce you?

2) You aren't the one that has to win her back. Be the best you can be, and then it's up to her to win YOU back, if she's ever going to want to.

3) Make sure that when you have the kids that it's as much like having two homes as possible. The underwear thing was ridiculous. Since my kids were little, they have always essentially had two houses of clothes that rotated around. They didn't bring a bag or clothes with them....the clothes they wear from their mom's are washed and put in the closet at my house.

[Cade]

Hi Phoenixdeux,

Ugghhh, is what I feel at times - reason.....There are times she is cool on the phone.....and others.....Well, unfriendly. I even told her about this....but, she flipped it and said, "Now you know how I felt".......DAMN. I apologize every chance I get, but I guess she is fed up with apologies.

As for the make two homes - I do. I buy them clothes, make sure they have shoes that fit. I do their hair ( I had to learn how very fast - my sister showed my basic hairstyles for girls ). I am the father and mother to our girls when they are with me. I never bad mouth their mother when they are with me.

When I pick them up. I normally would change their clothes right away, and have them wear clothes from my place ( which they tend to enjoy ). Just this weekend, when I picked them up, I went right away to Joey's, my brother in-laws best friends house to enjoy the 4th of July weekend; I brought change of clothes, and thought I had brought enough undies, but I guess I didn't. I did have pull-ups for the youngest for that just in-case emergency, and for our oldest, a new pair.

As for winning her back, I guess there is a little voice in me that says.....patience you never know.....but at times, reality kicks me in the nuts and says.....this is where you are!

Thanks for your response.....would like to hear yours and others.

[Cade]

Hi all,

I call the girls everyday at 4:30 PM - Within the Monday / Friday week; I usally ask how they are doing; how was school; what activities they are interested in...small talk....Just to let them know I am here....

Yesterday I called, and spoke with girls, then after the girls asked if I wanted to speak with mommy, I said "Only if she wants to"....they handed the phone to their mom, and she asked "Are we going to talk tonight or was that tomorrow night", I replied "It was set for tomorrow night.....Just to be sure....Are you comfortable to talk about the relationship, and answer some questions....?. She replied "I am okay with it, its no problem". Then I said "Okay, thanks, have fun and goodnight", then just hung up.

According to her, I was a boring person. I understand what she meant....I did the same thing always - like a robot. I figured that since I do the same type of work at my job....repair computers, work on networks, all computer related....every step is the same. I would go home, and still be in work mode - autopilot at home. It would take me about 2hrs just to get out of work mode. This bothered her. When I got home, she wanted to talk.....I on the other hand, would hear her....but really I would just zone out. She caught me one time, when she asked me "Sweety, did you hear what I said....? - Of course I didn't, so I faked that I thought I had heard my cell phone ring, and that it could be my boss asking me about today's project. That of course made her upset.....didn't realize what I was doing then.....NOW I DO.

NOW, I work my normal hours - no more overtime.....only if necessary. I get home, and get ready for a 2hr run. I get back home, and study for my next computer certification, then I plan a fun weekend to have with the girls. On the weekend that I don't have them, I plan to do something with my friends, or something I enjoy....

Mainly focus on 180's for me.....I will say, that exW really helped open my eyes to various things about my life that I always wanted to do, but never got around to do because I never had the ambition I have today. She really pushed me to live again - Through the sacrifices, the suffering, I found myself again.....:)

I will be honest to say, that I miss her.....miss her very much...I miss her smile; her messy way of organizing things; her laid back point of view to things; her creative crafts that she made; her baking; her laugh; her sneezing; her smelly farts.....I just miss her.........Reality kickng me in the nuts and tells me that I must accept were I am in life......


Patience.....Patience....


Just and update to whom views my post. thanks.

[Purple]

I will be honest to say, that I miss her.....miss her very much...I miss her smile; her messy way of organizing things; her laid back point of view to things; her creative crafts that she made; her baking; her laugh; her sneezing; her smelly farts.....I just miss her.........Reality kickng me in the nuts and tells me that I must accept were I am in life......


Patience.....Patience....


Just and update to whom views my post. thanks.

I wonder if my h feels the same way. Even about the farts...though his are worse!

Hugs to you Cade...

[one_light]

Hi Cade,

I understand your list of positive memories about your ex. I actually wrote out a laundry list of "things that I love about you" and sent it to her. She responded positively to it, but in the end did nothing to change my sitch.

It’s funny how the nomenclature is almost the same across the board. Actions too. I keep thinking they must issue a handbook. What you are going through seems to be pretty universal. You only remember the good things. She only remembers the bad things. Somewhere in the middle is the truth. That truth will probably show itself in time, but you can’t really count on that.

She is all about her right now. There is nothing wrong with being all about you. I made a list of things that I like about myself and read it from time to time. Silly perhaps, but sometimes it helps to make me feel better or at least a little more optimistic for the future.

Praying. Praying is a good thing. You do not have to carry this burden alone. Plus… we are all here.

Keep it between the ditches brother.

[Cade]

Thanks one_light,

I know what you mean about "somewhere in the middle is the truth". That truth will probably show itself in time.......

I don't doubt that her OM or if there really is OM will show himself....I suspect there is.....I only have a 4yr old email, but during our separation / divorce....I made various discoveries. Found out that she had various email addresses....was chating online....hiding various activities she did online - during the divorce, I confronted her about this....her response was....I didn't have a life....didn't have friends....NO I did not cheat on you......I thought you wouldn't understand....

I know I go off on tangents....using post to relive myself of guilt, anger, frustration....negative feeling I suppose.

Thanks one_light and everyone for understanding....!

[Cade]

Here is an update.

Last night exW and I went over her language of love. I previously read "The Five Love Languages" - by Gary Chapman. Toward the end of the book there is 30 questions for wife to answer so that husband can understand her love language / tank.

I had asked exW last week if she was willing to answer some 30 questions.....She said that it was okay. I mentioned to her that these 30 question relate to our relationship which she maybe unconfortable answering - she said she was okay with it. We scheduled to talk / answer questions last night at 8:30 PM.

I called last night at 8:30 PM - she didn't answer. I figured as much, so I didn't put to much into it. Later at 9:10 PM, she calls me back asking if we are still going to talk. I said it you still want to - she said "Yeah, it okay". I was having a late snack when she called, so I asked if I could call her back - she said okay.

Called her back, and we went over the 30 questions. Boy, I was way off about her love language. I thought she was x, when she was y. For example - I would buy her gifts, thinking that she enjoyed receiving gifts, but she didn't want gifts what she wanted was to talk and for me to be there for her......WOW!.

She said that she didn't mind the gift(s); She wanted me to pick out a gift that took thought into it, not a random gift which I would normally give her......WOW!.

After knowing her love language and going over the 30 questions - the issues we had...started making more sense to me.

I am not going to blame me for not knowing her love language, and blame her for assuming I was a mind reader...But she could have said something during our 13yrs together.


Patience......Patience....

[Cade]

Heres an update.....

ExW is going to read "The 5 love languages". Her and I are going to talk about the book in a couple of days. She is going to ask me 30 questions.

Will see how that goes. Any comments anyone - ?

[Cade]

I usually call at 4:30 PM, today I was called at work for a quick meeting. Didn't get to call for the girls until 5:12 PM. When I called, exW answered somewhat pushy. I asked to speak with the girls, and she asked the girls if they want to speak with me.....WHAT THE F....K!? I am not some kind of salesperson or telamarketer. I am there father. Shouldn't she say, hey its your father....talk with him and say hi...or something like that?

Then she tells me that our girls don't want to talk.....so I say okay, then I ask "How are they doing" - She tells me "They don't want to talk"....being very pushy on the phone....I am on a cell phone so, it is very hard to hear sometimes.....especially when all you hear is a dog barking in the background, and delayed voices....last I hear is "There is someone at the door"..."BYE". I say okay, just trying to say "Goodbye". So I hang up. WOW!?

30 minutes later I call back, she answers, and I ask if it is a bad time to talk - she says "its Okay". Then I ask if we are still set for 8:30 AM tomorrow morning to pickup girls - she said "Yes". Then I ask about if she needs time schedules, telephone numbers...etc. for the 5 day vacation I am taking with the girls - she says "I have your cell, and I will leave a message for you if I have any questions". I said "Okay". Then I asked if she was upset about something earlier when I called, since her tone with me was ackward - she said "No, everthing was okay". I might be taking it out of porportion, but I sensed she wanted me off the phone asap.

I don't want to ask if she read the book - "The 5 love languages" yet....If I do it would be pushy.

I want to know if she is seeing someone, but then I don't - I know, I know.....we are divorced...its not my business....but damn, do I miss her.

I guess I feel confused about her attitude - She is totally cool at times on the phone, then sometimes she is not. Yesterday, she was really cool, today she was real pushy. Why?

Anyone have any ideas out there.