In your talk, like puppy said, get some clarification (which will , in turn, get your W to take responsibility for her choice, and hopefully open her eyes to what she is choosing as well).
Example:
"So, to make sure I am hearing you correctly, you are choosing to leave the family before knowing if you have done everything to repair our marriage?" (When she says she has done everything, start listing books, retrovaille, counseling, etc. and then repeat the question. Or if she says it cannot be repaired, repeat the question listing all that she has not done yet.)
"So, let's make sure I'm understanding this, you are willing to leave the marriage before doing what could be done in about 3 months to make sure it is irrepairable?"
"You are choosing to be a part time parent. Yes?"
"You are choosing to fight for custody of your children. Yes?"
"You are choosing to lose my friendship. Yes?"
"You will not stop seeing the OM and give me full transparency?"
Remind her that these are HER choices.
Be strong, not angry and hostile. When she starts in with "Well, ROGER, blah blah blah" like you are an idiot, you calmly ask her to stop talking to you so condescendingly.
You need to stand up for yourself now. You are at the point of bursting with anger and losing any chance. This is it.
Let us know how it goes. Prayers for you. I hope she makes good choices in the end. Even if she makes choices you don't like, follow through with the consequences.
Do NOT be overly nice, do not let her draw you into a pleasant conversation....this all helps her cope with her bad decisions. She needs to feel the unpleasantness of it all now I believe. If you need to say, "I really dont want to have friendly conversation, Clarissa. You have decided we are done." etc.
