What i have learned is that it was not all my fault. Sure I had made mistakes but I now understand what happened a lot better and that I would not want to re enter a M like the one we had. So unless me and W together can work together on building a new and better R then there is no point.
The first step in this would be being honest with each other , something W seems incapable of in much the same way your H is. It is fear driving this , I think they are both scared of the outcome if they were honest.
I am not sure yet how I am going to handle the next phase , still working it out.