Naej, It's hard to answer your question. Prior to the separation, we hardly had a social life. We were possibly codependent, as they say. Neither one of us was good at connecting with people.
It's hard to know if the privacy concerns reflect her issues or relational ones. I think you're right to assume that it's relational to some extent. It possibly reveals her ambivalence about risking intimacy in the M.
Whatever the source, I'm not comfortable having a party as partners at this time, given her requests for privacy. I'm not going to downplay my relational status with her in my own home, as you say.
She said that she would consider having a party, if I were away for the weekend. I suppose that would be the current compromise.
I'm back in the bedroom. She did cuddle with me last night.
In my poetry guidebook, "Writing the Australian Crawl," by William Stafford, he talks about the process of writing as similar to swimming. In order to swim, one must trust that they will float, and relax in the water. Writing is the same way.
I'm going to guess that relationships are similar too. In Piecing, at some point we have to be willing to relax "in the R" in order to to allow intimacy.
It's interesting that I've alway had trouble learning to swim. I've taken lessons over the years, but always sink. I've never become comfortable in the water.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
"It's interesting that I've alway had trouble learning to swim. I've taken lessons over the years, but always sink. I've never become comfortable in the water."
wow we have something in common, I can swim a very little and float quite well now but I find it hard work.I started lessons again at 55yrs but shortly after had a car accident and hurt my back and after never returned ,maybe time for me to take the plunge again.
Good for you not downplaying your role as her husband in your own home. Personally if you did I would take it as a sign that you were not proud to have me as your wife. Sometimes as woman we want our man to be macho male.
I'm not comfortable having a party as partners at this time, given her requests for privacy. I'm not going to downplay my relational status with her in my own home, as you say.
I think you're right to stand on this CL...I find it odd that she is so ferocious about her 'privacy' in regards to your marital status. It has never occurred to me that the two concepts are related, and though I think it's important to respect her for who she is, it is certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to play a role other than that of a husband in your own home.
I think you're doing a great job of finding ways to respectfully assert yourself, it seems to be paying dividends. Keep it up!
and though I think it's important to respect her for who she is, it is certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to play a role other than that of a husband in your own home.
Naej and Aud, Thanks for helping me to clarify my position regarding the party and privacy issue. I knew in my bones that it was unfair, but haven't been able to articulate it.
I notice I get upset when she brings it up (and maybe it's important for her to see that). She backs off when she sees how upset this request makes me.
I'm not going to be chronically upset about it though. I don't understand where this is coming from. Any opinions I have would be speculation.
Things are moving in a positive direction and we maintain connection during the week with our dancing, are sleeping in the same bed, and have a trip planned together, so I won't give it too much thought and energy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
and though I think it's important to respect her for who she is, it is certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to play a role other than that of a husband in your own home.
Naej and Aud, Thanks for helping me to clarify my position regarding the party and privacy issue. I knew in my bones that it was unfair, but haven't been able to articulate it.
I notice I get upset when she brings it up (and maybe it's important for her to see that). She backs off when she sees how upset this request makes me.
I'm not going to be chronically upset about it though. I don't understand where this is coming from. Any opinions I have would be speculation.
Things are moving in a positive direction and we maintain connection during the week with our dancing, are sleeping in the same bed, and have a trip planned together, so I won't give it too much thought and energy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
and though I think it's important to respect her for who she is, it is certainly unreasonable for her to expect you to play a role other than that of a husband in your own home.
Naej and Aud, Thanks for helping me to clarify my position regarding the party and privacy issue. I knew in my bones that it was unfair, but haven't been able to articulate it.
I notice I get upset when she brings it up (and maybe it's important for her to see that). She backs off when she sees how upset this request makes me.
I'm not going to be chronically upset about it though. I don't understand where this is coming from. Any opinions I have would be speculation.
Things are moving in a positive direction and we maintain connection during the week with our dancing, are sleeping in the same bed, and have a trip planned together, so I won't give it too much thought and energy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, I would agree that it would not be a compromise. A compromise implies that we worked something out that we're both comfortable with. I would not leave for a weekend in order for her to have a party. She have have a party if I were away for the weekend.
I will be away for a weekend in August for my parent's anniversary party, so we'll see if she acts on her party idea.
It would be a dance party, so it would be coed.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Nope. Sorry, to butt into your thread but NOPE. I've seen you going down this road for some time but this really gets me for some reason.
You are married. She keeps acting like your not in public. It is most probably NOT only the dancing arena. Does she tell people you are married outside of that venue? If not, then why not? Does she wear her wedding ring?
You are either married or not. That should be your view. If she wants to have a women only party while your gone then fine. If it's co-ed, then you're there and act as a husband or it doesn't happen. You CAN dance and let people know you're married. She just doesn't get to be hustled and justled as if she's single. She's sending out strong "I'm single" vibes when she should be sending out "I'm married, but I like to dance and have fun in public, too".
