"Being perfectly honest, I'm not giving all that I'm capable of though. Previously, I always put all the energy into the relationship. If I go back to doing that, H may feel that he can put less energy in than he has been.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. I'm matching him, as he's growing & changing. I'm giving him room to grow emotionally while I grow & evolve myself. I think it's working. "
that answers my question- i was the giver and BROKE the see saw...that is my fear of how that dynamic will change...how did your H chnage this?
What are you two doing to learn different skills or techniques to change the dynamic ? IC, MC, books, reading here ????
With our kids, every time I thought they were upset, I'd go check on them. Basically I enabled them to wait for me to come to them. I want to change that now that I realize what I've done. Now, I can sit D down, have a talk with her, she may get it she may not.....or...I can do this...
The other night, we were teasing D a little bit at the dinner table, it was all fun & good. When she walked through the room later, I said "hey sweetheart, if you were upset about the dinner time teasing, you'd come talk to us wouldn't you?". She said "yes, I wasn't upset at all", I said "good, I'm glad".
After she left, H said "I didn't think she was upset", I said "I didn't either", he looked at me curious. I said "I'm teaching her to come to us when she's upset, if she can do it with you, she'll be able to do it when she's dating, & married".
make sense ? How did you break the see saw ? How did your giving enable him so that he didn't learn to give back ? Did you ask him for what you wanted ? Is he normally a giver or taker ? My H was absolutely a taker. I was totally a giver. I had to teach him.
Last edited by smartcookie; 07/15/0809:42 PM.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
