Twerpled on the Head with a Magic Kumquat

[girlfromipanema]

I have been struggling with a constant internal argument pulling me in two directions: From "I CANNOT stay in my marriage. There is no alternative other than divorce." To "I need to stand by my husband through good times and bad. I made a promise and I need to keep it" (letting him make the decision). This continues day and night, 24/7. At the prompting of a very wise woman, I scheduled an appt. with my IC to help me work through this. He was able to see me first thing this morning.

He said something I thought was interesting. He knows all of us (me, h, OW) and he asked me what I thought attracted my h to OW. As I was thinking over my answer, he said, "I just don't get it." It surprised me and made me feel good at the same time. He wasn't asking about "physical" attraction. He was implying that he knows both me and OW on an intellectual level and he sees my kindness and charm (she isn't quite so charming). I know I have so much more to offer in those areas than she does. I think my husband is attracted to her competitiveness and hardness/harshness because I'm so soft/kind/sweet/caring/empathetic.

When my company interviewed my husband exactly 7 years ago, he told me one of the reasons he wanted to join our company was due to the kindness I showed him during the hiring process, which was quite entailed due to his H1-B visa application, etc. I guess over time he began to see my kind heart as a weakness rather than an asset. I believe that is a flaw within him. I see my internal beauty, along with my many flaws. I would say my positives outweigh the negatives, just my humble (or not so) opinion. On the flip side of those thoughts, I do believe he and OW have a lot in common - he used to be a pro skater and she used to skate board, they both enjoy archery, they both used to model when they were in their teens... I'm not athletic, don't like shooting arrows because I don't like the atmosphere at the archery center, and I'm the least photogenic person in the universe, so I could never be a model. Hmmmm. This gets me thinking, whenever my husband says something such as mentioning he used to be a pro skater, she chimes in, "I can skateboard, too." Or, "Well, I used to be a semi pro fencer and knife thrower". When my husband and I announced to our staff we were getting married, she immediately chimed in, "I have some news to share, too. Me and "stbexbf" are getting married!" She had no intention of marrying her bf. Either she needs to have all the attention or she has been pining away for my husband forever. How naive am I? Anyway, I digress.

I did something I'm not proud of this morning. Since my husband removed our wedding photos from the website where they were hosted (leaving all the other photos live), I removed three wedding photos displayed in our home. I then sent him a text letting him know why I removed them. Basically, saying I assumed he wanted them removed from the home since he removed them from the site. It was reactionary and immature of me to do, but I needed to 'act out' a little. I've been holding so much inside for far too long. When I told my C what I did, he said, "why not call me next time you get the urge to act out and I'll talk some sense in you." He said I should always keep the end goal in mind (to rebuild my previously loving marriage/relationship) until I've decided otherwise. He suggested it might be time to initiate another talk, to ask him if there is something I continue to do that annoys him (since he continues to treat me in such a clinical/cold manner) and to clarify the things he hasn't been able to forgive.

I spoke of how my last relationship ended, which feels similar to what I'm experiencing now. These two men that I loved with my entire being simply decided not to fight for me; that I wasn't worthy of them - to just let me go and move on... I asked "what is so horrible about me that this is happening twice?" I arrived at the answer before he had a chance to say anything. It's not me. It's my choice in men.

My internal dialogue now refers to my husband as "Pretty on the Outside". Can I love (<--used as a verb) him back into his former kind, loving self? Or is that man gone for good?

I'm thinking of taking a few days off from work this week. I have a friend up in Santa Cruz that I haven't seen in several years. He attended law school (although I don't know if he passed the bar or what he's doing with his degree - or if he even finished his law degree). Anyway, he advised a couple I know on their divorce and I'm thinking I could pick his brain a little. Also, he's a super sweet, caring soul and it would be so nice to catch up with him. We'll see. Money is a bit tight (we lost $5K in our investment fund in the past month), gas prices are high, my car is on its last leg... BUT, I need some breathing room and a break.