I sometime wonder if going dark is maybe the wrong thing to do here? Even though the W did call 1 time it has only been once. Maybe she has already checked out for good? This sucks so bad I just want to go up and shake her and just tell her to snap out of it already and lets start working on us! But that would not be to wise now would it!
I am almost to a point where it feels like I don't care anymore and almost ready to file myself, but she already has the retainer on her L.
I think the worst part of all this is I somehow have to tell my S that I can not keep my promise to him. He told me to promise that I would come back to my "real" home with him,D, and mommy! I am not sure how to tell him if all of this falls through, maybe I should make the W tell him.
I do love my W unconditionally and have actually tried to hate her during this whole process, but I can't. I just see all the good that she has in her true self, but as we all know she is not acting her true self. But even with the OP I can't bring myself to hate her. Sure I get mad as hell but that goes away after a while. Just don't know what to do anymore besides just getting on with my life and hope that one day she will come out of her fog! I know it sounds retarded but I am going to play the bachelor for quite a while, not going to get hooked up right away as I just don't feel comfortable yet and won't for some time, unless I meet a sugar momma I see posts where people have been apart for years and get back together, always a possibility. I am not saying I am going to wait for the opportunity but it is still in my head that is always there.
Just me rambling again, getting ready to go to a job interview this evening. Have a good night all
Wow, you just summed up a lot of my feelings too, although I don't want to walk away from my W.
I've been following my gut a lot lately and it really never lets me down. I also felt that going dark is a giant mistake and will only enable my W to move right on into this OM life.
All I can say is to search yourself and if you really feel going dark is not right for YOUR situation then you should try something else.
I'm coming out of the dark this week. I'll be working on our house so I'll be around my wife pretty much daily since I'll be over there every day. All I plan on doing is staying busy, staying positive around her and if there are opportunities to talk I'll play along. NO R TALK THOUGH. Happy happy talk. It will be tough, but I know that's the right thing to do.
Dark has not been good for my sitch. My wife actually told me this when we were separated in the past. She said she was really hurt that I was not talking to her, she said it seemed like I no longer cared about her.
I wonder what your wife really thinks about you going dark on her?
Women are really good at hiding emotions so they are impossible to read. This is another reason I tend to not like going dark, bit all our sitchs are different.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
I hate going dark!! I can usually read her when I talk to her but then again I don't know anymore because as you said they are very good at masking their true feelings! I think I am going to give it until this weekend and then give her a buzz. I need to anyways to offer up that I will be here for her as a friend for her court apperance on Monday.
Thanks for stopping by scott, when I get back from the job interview I will catch up on you. I have been reading but just haven't posted! Will get back to ya though!
Maybe you can beat around the bush and just try and have friendly conversations with her. I think if you bring up the R talk to fast it might backfire on you. I don't know your wife though so I'm just trying to look out for you so you don't backslide.
Maybe if you are talking to her you can somehow shift the conversation to a really good time or memory of the past. Something really funny would probably be ideal. Watch how she reacts carefully.
Remember what I said a while ago about testing different things and monitoring them closely. Same goes for little chats and conversations too. If a chat is going the wrong way, then shift the conversation and make a mental note of what caused the negative course in the conversations. Same thing when the chat is going well. Do more of it and make notes of what is working.
The more happy talks you have the easier it will be for both of you to draw closer.
I'm just restarting that right now. My wife contacted me for money because it;s the 15th (go figure) so I basically told her I'd bring it over later and then I shifted the conversation to talking about my Ds trip. It was happy, light and a few funny texts back and forth. It sure beats angry, cynical spiteful demon bitch from hell spew that she usually flings at me.
This is what I intend on pursuing full time. Happy chat at all times and run fast as hell away from R talk. As far as the posting online. I'm still going to do that, but I'm going to now adjust it a bit to post some stuff about missing her etc. Just light stuff, maybe some song lyrics and a couple tunes that we both like. Know that I know she is watching me close I'll add in some more mystery to the mix too and hopefully she'll stay interested in what I'm doing and I see that as basically my foot in the door.
Hope that gives you some ideas.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Hi I can't tell you what is right in your situation but when my sister left my brother-in-law for another man she knew that my BIL was totally there for her and would take her back at any time. Personally I don't think that's too attractive.
Even after she left him and the boyfriend broke up with her, she called BIL to pitch her woes and he was a generous and kind ear. She described him to me as being "a good friend." (Then the boyfriend and she got back together.)
When she got her nose job for her new honey, BIL took care of the kids in her home, got them ready for school while she recuped.
I think this kind of behavior puts you in the pathetic friend zone knowing that you will always be there, you will always be waiting for her and you will always take her back whenever she's done sleeping with someone and falls.
My sister is now engaged to the OM and I believe that if she came crawling back to BIL he would take her and I believe she senses this too although we have never discussed it, just my sense.
It seems the only time your W either flirts and comes on to you, pursues you is when she is not sure where she stands. Same with her raging on you. Either way she is trying to get you to do something which is sticking by her. But when she is secure of that, she flies away. If you use this formula perhaps you can behave in the way that keeps her around, whether it's trying to get you back or getting angry at you for not being there; I believe either is better than being the water boy on call.
PS As a woman I think we feel attracted to someone who is confident and won't take our s@#$. I know that my ex-BIL took it and this new guy will not and has walked away from her when she tries to control him.
Most of your feelings are similar to mine. Those thoughts come and go on a daily basis. I know I want to fix our R although I know its probably going to be hard for me to get past the OM, but I at least want to try.
Tink,
You are so right. I think through this whole thing my W thought I would just wait for her. But now through GAL (me going out, her finding out about OW, me working out) she has her doubts. I think this explains all the contact from her now, phone convos, hanging out and talking ,etc. With my kinda "as if" attitude she's a little taken back. I do think my GAL is taking its toll on how she thought it would be.
Now just waiting til the school year when I jump into Abby's life full force. I'm can't wait to help my little girl with her HOMEWORK!
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I see posts where people have been apart for years and get back together, always a possibility. I am not saying I am going to wait for the opportunity but it is still in my head that is always there.