Thanks, Sunny -- I think I have a better picture now.
Simply put, I don't think your husband believes your boundaries, because you haven't enforced them before. So what, instead of not being with you on Thanksgiving, he goes the say AFTER, and spends it with his girlfriend, and that's somehow different? Unless I missed it, there were NO consequences for that incredibly disrespectful decision on his part??
How many times did you backslide and ML with him after you both knew he was having an affair?
Your husband sounds VERY controlling! Let me get this straight: whenever YOU find out he's going to go be with OM (or has been), he whips out "The Offer", threatens that you won't see your son as much, until you're 'nicer' to him??? WTF???
Help me understand your financial situation; how dependent are you on him? Have you met with a good family law attorney to understand what your rights and options are since this whole mess started? Because I have news for your husband -- he doesn't get to dictate what he's willing to "give" you in a divorce; the child support is pretty much a given, is stipulated by some simple financial calculations, and will accompany whoever gets primary custody. And the alimony is a negotiation, and he DOESN'T get to call all the shots.
And depending on what state you live in, you have a 50-90% chance of getting custody of your son, unless I've missed something here? Are you his primary caregiver?
Bottom line, I believe your husband knows you won't do anything, or at least doesn't BELIEVE you will. So he's been cake-eating for a year and a half, at the expense of your dignity and your self-esteem.
Thanks again for taking the time with this Puppy, it's very helpful to get your viewpoint.
You're right, there were no real consequences, even though at the time I thought he had ended it (as he made it appear) with OW when we spent Thankx together.
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So what, instead of not being with you on Thanksgiving, he goes the say AFTER, and spends it with his girlfriend, and that's somehow different? Unless I missed it, there were NO consequences for that incredibly disrespectful decision on his part??
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How many times did you backslide and ML with him after you both knew he was having an affair?
Five x's, including 2 days after he left. None after the phone call to OW 3 months ago, however.
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Your husband sounds VERY controlling!
You bet, infact, he just now left a VM wanting to know if I received the e-mail (showing his ticket, with 1 pax listed,like a flight attendant doesn't know that's only his ticket).
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Help me understand your financial situation; how dependent are you on him?
I'm not dependent at all & while I couldn't afford to live in this house, I see that the "Offer" gives me his 1/2 w/the small mortgage coming out of CS ($4,000 mo., according to him). The property taxes aren't mentioned though & would take another $2,000 mo. from CS. No alimony per agreement.
We have a pre-nup (signed our wedding day) that a very good attorney went through & told me my options on. He counts on knowing me & how much I dislike tangling, always wanting to be more than "fair."
I'm the primary caregiver & don't work outside the home, so that won't be an issue. He does tell me he'll get a place close & start keeping him overnight frequently. I document everything, including that he's had him 1 night a wk overnight & 2 nights out for dinner.
Bottom line is I've allowed him to do some pretty heavy cake eating.
My guess, since he's now trying to get me to respond, is that he'll continue until he gets me, maybe coming over when I don't.
I'm more than ready to follow up now, what's the best way to do that IYO.
Best,
Sunny
You hit the nail on the head, he doesn't believe I'll follow thru.
What an emotional couple of days huh ? I know its been tough on you but I kind of think you have got a bit derailed.
I want to get you back to basics.
What is your Goal here ? is it to get rid of H or to enforce boundaries as far as his involvement in your life goes , his access to your house in particular?
His trip away for the weekend . I know its worse than insensitive , however it would be probably better to act "as if" in regard to the trip and concentrate on the boundaries you want to set.
Sunny you have been so patient for a long time , make sure you you are on a path that you are prepared to get to the end of.
And I would also be suspicious of Key Logging software on your PC , perhaps take it in and get it checked out on the basis you want to get the WORD programme up and going.
And I would also be suspicious of Key Logging software on your PC
H took the computer in a couple of times in the last few months.....I had thought of this before, is therea way to tell by looking at something myself?
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I kind of think you have got a bit derailed
It looks that way, although I have absolutely no desire to continue this charade any further. When I think of acting "as if", it doesn't make it past the delete file.
Yet another VM just now sounding a little scared, wanting to share his great idea on where to take S5 & my nephew when he picks them up to spend the night tomorrow. He o/c can p/u his son at the front door, not my nephew though.
Yes, Puppy, he knows I know, although he tries his best to make it seem that they may have broken up.
I know what you mean. I like you "am over it" and just wish W would be straight up about her "friends".
As for the key logging
try www dot winpatrol dot com for a free software package.
I read this on the website which I thought was interesting.
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WinPatrol 14 Enhances Keylogging Detection
I recently wrote about a local man who was jailed for felony eavesdropping after admitting he stalked his ex-wife using a key logger program. The more I researched this case and heard about others, the more enraged I became. .
This is an important issue for many on both sides of the fence
Yes, Puppy, he knows I know, although he tries his best to make it seem that they may have broken up.
Then I do think you need to set -- and ENFORCE -- some firm boundaries. Because once you get to this stage (the "He's having an affair, I KNOW he's having an affair, he KNOWS that I know and I've even CONFRONTED him about him having an affair"), and no real consequences kick in, then BOTH partners rapidly lose respect for each other, and the betrayed spouse (YOU!) also love a ton of self-esteem at the very time that you need to be doing everything you can to build yourself UP.
I think it's time for you to think about what your "dealbreakers" are, and re-confront your husband. He's flaunting his affair under your nose, and he thinks you'll never do anything about it.
One time when I was truly lost, I asked some of the men to read a synopsis of what had been going on. Talking about getting perspective I never imagined.
Perhaps taking time to consolidate your thoughts, summarize where you are and ask for the guys' help would give you insight you never imagined. I even stopped at buddy bonding threads of guys I didn't know and asked.
It helped me immensely. Face it.. guys know how guys think.
when I was truly lost, I asked some of the men to read a synopsis of what had been going on. Talking about getting perspective I never imagined. (Gypsy)
That's what I was looking for Puppy, thanks for giving me yours.
You're right, what has been missing is the real, sustained enforcement of firm boundaries.
Last year he took me out for our anniversary, this year he leaves in 2 days to take OW on a vacation for it. Not too difficult to connect the dots on that one, just wished I had gotten it together & enforced the consequences of his actions earlier.
No time like the present, especially when I'm feeling strong, smart & sexy......unlike I had been feeling before, especially the 1st few months.
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I think it's time for you to think about what your "dealbreakers" are, and re-confront your husband
Actually, I just expressed last week that going on a trip w/OW was a "deal breaker", I guess that's why he lied about where he's departing from & who he's going with.
So now we're right on pattern with 3 e-mail yesterday, twisting it around w/ a little spin & 5 phone calls with the 1st VM wanting to know if I got his e-mail. Uh, you mean the one that confirms you lied about leaving from Mexico? What could he be thinking!
Probably that I want to R so badly that I'll pretend I don't understand & let him off the hook so he can have a nice, relaxing trip w/ his affair.
At this point my view of him is so diminished, I have no trouble letting him sit in his own chit.
Such a shame, to give up your family.
Puppy, I love that you can put it all together in two short paragraphs, an awesome guy thing!
Oops, my 1st H call of the day, wanting me to call him to confirm he's taking both S5 & nephew(11) with him for the night tonight, & to please call him, preferably this morning.
Nope, he can just sit there in it, he knows he'll have S5 for sure...there's no need to verify my nephew.
