I get that. We had the same sitch with coffee.... LOL....
she needs to learn to take care of own needs..and i need to be aware of those things.
my problem is, obviously, we're separated, and rarely do anything together.....i want to do those things..i understand the importance of them now.
are you telling me to just have patience? LOL
LOL, I didn't intend my ice cream analogy to be your answer, it was just timing. But, if it works.....teasing
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"Being perfectly honest, I'm not giving all that I'm capable of though. Previously, I always put all the energy into the relationship. If I go back to doing that, H may feel that he can put less energy in than he has been.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. I'm matching him, as he's growing & changing. I'm giving him room to grow emotionally while I grow & evolve myself. I think it's working. "
that answers my question- i was the giver and BROKE the see saw...that is my fear of how that dynamic will change...how did your H chnage this?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Mrs SC- " think one or the other gives truly. Both need to. One has to learn how. Usually the one learns how when they experience deep pain."
perhaps i'm being a typical DAM....but how can the LBS, in particular the H's, communicate this NOW to our WAW's? I'm still learning......is it along the lines "if you let the thing you love the most free and it comes back to you, it's true love?" Is this where "It's all about her" comes in?
In whatever small interactions you may have with her, short phone calls, text messages, whatever...show this, don't talk about it.
I think true giving & "it's all about her" are essentially the same, yes. If you want her to be happy with or without you. That's wanting happiness for her. If she wants space & you willingly give her space, it's about her. If you grudgingly & complain while giving her space, it's about you. (sidenote; complain here all you want, this is the place for it, this is the place to receive encouragement, support, & lovingly swung 2x4's). Just don't complain to her.
If you want to keep the thermostat at 80* because it's comfortable, & the power bill stays low, but you know she's hot at 80* because of hormones & peri-menopause, it's about you & what you want. If it's about her, you set it to 76* where she's comfortable. Do you see ?
It's like building a bank account, the more deposits in, the more the interest begins to accrue & pay off. Right now, start making love deposits every chance she comes to you. But, do not pursue, chase, cling, act desperate, etc.
Now, if you build her love bank account big enough, you'll reap rewards that most men just dream about.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Month 3 sucks, month 3 was really hard. Focus on the results. Take notice of any small thing that seems positive, & realize that no matter how insignificant the progress seems, it's okay if it's going in the right direction.
My current sitch...things are really good. I'm in counseling alone one week, & with H the next week. H & I are enjoying slow & steady progress towards having the marriage that I always wanted, & he didn't even know was possible. I'm going to school on line & loving every second of it. H is actively job hunting, & putting together some consulting deals. The kids are happy & healthy & enjoying their summer break, hanging with friends, going to movies, & playing computer games. Life is good.
It's so sweet of you to ask what I need, that touches my heart, but guess what, (big smile) I'm getting healthy now & if I need something I'll ask for it. However, if you insist, I love diet mountain dew, almond joy candy bars, & hugs. So, if you want to run any of those over
big hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Now, if you build her love bank account big enough, you'll reap rewards that most men just dream about.
Hi cookie. My account got overdrawn because I did not communicate when the balance got too low. We have been enjoying each other's company for the last 3-4 days, and I'm purposefully telling Hus things like, "I enjoyed our talk yesterday". The problem is, when I forget to do those things, we slip right back into old habits (where I feel like I'm the only one trying). The setback is often more painful than the original problem. In other words, I dwell on "How could I screw this M up again" instead of limiting my frustration to "I'm disappointed he didn't notice my haircut". Was there an aha moment for you? Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
here are some hugs smartcookie!! ((((((SC))))))) {{{{{{SC}}}}}}} as for the diet dew and candy bars- that is a little hard to transmit! yuuuuuummmmm
thanks for the boost! i am actually seeing him today - it seems like every 2 weeks he wants to see me- kinda funny when you see the pattern and they dont! we are going for a hike...so i will just listen and validate...!
im happy you are here! neil sent me over
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
"Being perfectly honest, I'm not giving all that I'm capable of though. Previously, I always put all the energy into the relationship. If I go back to doing that, H may feel that he can put less energy in than he has been.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. I'm matching him, as he's growing & changing. I'm giving him room to grow emotionally while I grow & evolve myself. I think it's working. "
that answers my question- i was the giver and BROKE the see saw...that is my fear of how that dynamic will change...how did your H chnage this?
What are you two doing to learn different skills or techniques to change the dynamic ? IC, MC, books, reading here ????
With our kids, every time I thought they were upset, I'd go check on them. Basically I enabled them to wait for me to come to them. I want to change that now that I realize what I've done. Now, I can sit D down, have a talk with her, she may get it she may not.....or...I can do this...
The other night, we were teasing D a little bit at the dinner table, it was all fun & good. When she walked through the room later, I said "hey sweetheart, if you were upset about the dinner time teasing, you'd come talk to us wouldn't you?". She said "yes, I wasn't upset at all", I said "good, I'm glad".
After she left, H said "I didn't think she was upset", I said "I didn't either", he looked at me curious. I said "I'm teaching her to come to us when she's upset, if she can do it with you, she'll be able to do it when she's dating, & married".
make sense ? How did you break the see saw ? How did your giving enable him so that he didn't learn to give back ? Did you ask him for what you wanted ? Is he normally a giver or taker ? My H was absolutely a taker. I was totally a giver. I had to teach him.
Last edited by smartcookie; 07/15/0809:42 PM.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I dwell on "How could I screw this M up again" instead of limiting my frustration to "I'm disappointed he didn't notice my haircut". Was there an aha moment for you? Peace.
My aha moment was when I loved my haircut whether he noticed it or not.
Oh, & goldey, it takes two to screw up a marriage, he had to have helped you.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
here are some hugs smartcookie!! ((((((SC))))))) {{{{{{SC}}}}}}} as for the diet dew and candy bars- that is a little hard to transmit! yuuuuuummmmm
thanks for the boost! i am actually seeing him today - it seems like every 2 weeks he wants to see me- kinda funny when you see the pattern and they dont! we are going for a hike...so i will just listen and validate...!
im happy you are here! neil sent me over
(((((pisces))))
The important question...When do you want to see him ?
If he wants to see you every 2 weeks, make him wait 2 weeks & 1 day. Then next time 2 weeks & 2 days. Let him miss you. Don't be available every time he asks, if he asks to see you on Monday, tell him you're busy Monday, but you're open on Wednesday. Play a teensy bit hard to get.
Do you fish ? Men would never fish, if the fish jumped into the boat.
hugs (I'm happy I'm here too)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
But, if it works.....teasing