Just take one day.....or sometimes an hour at a time. Some days, we can only handle working on one goal. It is the tiny little baby steps that have seem so small to me that, at times, I could not tell any headway was being made. However, as I look back at where I was and now at where I am......I can tell those baby steps have added up. So, what I'm saying is to not put too much on yourself and stop beating yourself up from guilt and what you think you are suppose to be feeling right now....okay? Take it slow and just focus on getting through that day without making contact with OM. Because......until you can do that, sweetheart, nothing else is going to work. You cannot love two men at the same time......that was what I was told by a very wise DBer when I first joined this board. They are so right and until we WAW's can stop the no contact with OM and leave him alone.......the MR is not going to survive our lonliness and bordedom and emptiness.
Perhaps you have told this and I have forgotten, but have you been able to talk about your problem with the "feelings" for your H with him? I think your trip will help you if he is willing to step up to do whatever he can.
I was very honest.......to the point of being hurtful to him, I'm sure, but I told my H that I did not know if I would ever have the feelings for him that I once did. He took it as well as a man could, but I know I hurt him b/c it wasn't long after everything had come to blows (so to speak). He has given me a lot of space for a long time and I think it took it all in order to try to get back to my "normal" self.
The reason I am going back over this is b/c I have read other WAW's that were expecting way too much too fast when they would make that decision to stay in the M and not go to the OM......and then get all frustrated and afraid b/c the "feeings" did not follow the decision. I really believe it is normal for us to go through that period of "transition". I, for one, do not believe most people can fall in and out of love as quickly as some people pretend to do. That is why I wish couples would separate before they just run straight to the divorce court and jump into another M. Anyway, it takes us "time" and lots of it to get through this period. You are still experiencing lingering feelings which you can't decide if you really want to leave or not, and yet you feel guilty over not having the "correct" feelings a wife should have toward her H. This is too much for a person to endure. My hope is that you can find peace within your own soul. I have discovered that peace is even more valuable that "happiness", as we think of it in relationships. I hope that is encouraging and not discouraging.....it kind of sounded like something an old person would say, didn't it? (lol) However, my goal is to "get my life back again" before OM came into it. I thought it was boring, empty and unhappy.......but after the awful "other" feelings I have endured as a result of my EA with OM, I just want to be myself again and enjoy what I once had.
I hope this has not been too much of a "repeat" and that it will encourage you not to give up on your M. We never reach a point that we can stop working if we want a good MR, but just don't try to take on more than you should expect of yourself at the moment. Maybe everyone won't understand what I mean by that, but all WAW's will know exactly what I mean.
Take care and I'll be praying for you to have wonderful success at the meeting.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
