Well, you need to mentally get some kinky homeless man fantasy going....
Gosh, there must be SOMETHING sexy about your husband??? Maybe he needs to get on this site so we can encourage him to do some 180s and turn into some sex god.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
In defense of WDID, I don't know that anyone truly understands the heart of a WAW unless they have been one. After so long of a time of trying to make your M work and trying to be in love with your H and trying to be happy, and yes, having sex with him.....but yet the "feelings" are not there.......you go empty. Your emotions are drained and in fact, you feel like your entire soul is empty. You just want to feel happy again. People talk about how selfish this is......well, I don't know too many that doesn't want to feel happy...do you?
No, I am not saying it is "right" to look around when you are married! I think what the WAW is looking for is "happiness" and that is when she finds OM to feel a void in her life. That is when all those false hormones start flooding your brain and it feels so good and so right and it confuses the hell out of you! It causes a sane, responsible wife and mother to act like a crazy irresponsible, selfish nut!
Okay, so WDID, tried to put OM behind her and decided to stay in her M. However, the feelings would not follow her decision. So, I know exactly what came next b/c I have been there. She started to wonder if the OM was her only hope----her only chance at happiness in this life. What if she stayed with her H only to discover that she could not bear for him to touch her and they would just be empty shells from now on? As of right now, the OM is still looking a lot more attractive than her H. Everything she does is out from her "will" and not from "feelings".........that is what she needs to be given credit for. Telling her that she needs to own up to her responsibility as a M woman is not helping, I can assure you that much. She knows her responsibility better than anyone else b/c her guilt reminds her of that all the time. That is one of the reasons she is so miserable. She wants to do the right thing, but she also wants to be happy. She needs much encouragement. Yes, sometimes we have to hear harsh words, but most of the time I personally feel that we need somebody to just "help" us through a really bad time and try to reassure us that, in time, things will get better.
WDID, I have gone "through the motions" for almost the entire time that I made the decision to stay with my H. Now, I'm older than you so you have to take that in consideration and my H and I are not in that great of physical shape......but what I'm trying to say is that some day.....you will begin to experience the "feelings" again for your H. I believe that. If I didn't, I don't know that I could hang in my own M. I can tell a difference in my R with my H since I have been able to stop fantasizing about the OM like I was doing. Man, that was poison to me! But, it's hard to control. One thing that a former poster told me, WDID, was when she recognized that I still had the "heart" of a WAW! She was so right! I did and I had to face that and start working on it. I know you are trying......I know you are, b/c you are still here. If you were not still trying, we would not be hearing from you. Please, don't contact the OM. Work at just not thinking that he could have been the better man and made you happier, etc. Don't get all hung up on the fact that you are not "feeling" certain things right now. You may not experience that for quite a while......I don't know...just trying to be realistic. Make some goals. For an example:
1. I will stay so busy and work until I fall fast asleep and won't dwell on thoughts of OM. (You've probably done this, but keep doing it.)
2. I will act "as if" I enjoy my life. With hopes that someday, I really will actually feel what I'm acting. Remember the story about my mother?
3. I will do one thing special for my H this week. (Make his favorite dinner or whatever.)
4. No matter what, I will not contact OM.
Keep it simple! Next week, try for a few more simple goals. Nothing too extreme. Maybe try to do something special for somebody that needs your time, like an elderly person that can't drive or whatever. The reason I am even suggesting this is b/c when we get busy doing things for others, it helps us to forget about ourselves for just a little while. Those "little whiles" can add up into a certain amount of healing time. That is what you and I need is a lot of time to heal. Maybe yours won't take as long as mine has......I hope. Sometimes, I think if I were younger and had more energy that I would be able to pour more into my efforts of acting "as if". I was making it pretty good as long as I could stay busy, but when I got where I could no longer do the things I enjoyed....that was when I was going through a lot of difficulty.
You know I understand what you are going through and that I care very much. I am here for you and you can talk to me anytime.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You explained how I am feeling very well. Especially the part about my feelings not in line with my decision yet. My H is sexy in many ways. I just can't feel it the way I should and so it makes making love with him an "ick" feeling right now.
I am going to work on those goals. I'm going to REtrovaille with H this weekend. Just doing that is my first goal. Make it through the week without any major setbacks and get our behinds to Retrovaille.
To WDID, SANDI2, LOST3031, PURPLE, AND SARA (and any other WAW’s I may have left out) I have read this whole thread and wish to say that this has been one of the most educational/revealing threads for me!!! I am so grateful to hear the perspective of the WAW's. I think one of the hardest thing for my sitch ( She has moved to new zealand ) was just trying to figure out what happened and finding a way to get my head around it. I was so bewildered and blindsided and fortunately, the perspective of the WAW's has made it much more clear. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Your sharing is truly invaluable and much better than the hundred's of dollars spent on counseling!!!
Of course I feel I have to add my "two cents" to this thread and they are as follows:
To SANDI2 on your feelings of using the phrase "WAW" and to WDID and her feelings for the OM: Thank you for sharing those feelings with us. From my "new perspective" that I have been awakened through this process, and I believe that when someone shares their feelings, it is not in our best interest to "judge" them, and especially to tell them why they are mistaken. I too used to do that, and even though I may have been technically correct, I now see how that added to my WAW not feeling she was being understood and added to her shutdown and feeling trapped and wanting to escape. I am truly trying to understand others perspectives (whether they are based in reality or not), so I can understand what they are feeling and how I can change so they don't have those feelings anymore. The perspective of the WAW's has been invaluable toward that goal and I hope that you don't hesitate to share those true feelings in the future for fear of being "judged" or criticized. So please, keep on posting those feelings day to day!!! They are valid (especially to you) and I'm sure they are the same way other WAW feel, justified or not. You are not bad or wrong for feeling that way, as they are true feelings, but if you have a desire to feel differently, that if you ask, we will be here to possibly show you a different way of looking at things.
To WDID concerning the not remembering any happy moments. It was mentioned in a recent book I read (Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert), that in psychological studies, is has been shown that however we feel in the present moment, affects our memory of the past and our prediction of the future. So if you are not feeling happy/connected to your husband at this moment, your perception of the past and prediction of the future is filtered by your current feelings. I'm sure if you were to look through old photos or talk to friends about past get-togethers, you could find moments that you were happy together and made each other laugh. He uses an example of people trying to predict how they would feel if their team lost or won a game. Of course, their predictions did not turn out to be reality. If the team lost, the people were stunned in the moment, but still went out a partied afterwards anyway. And if the team won, they enjoyed the moment, but still had day-to-day reality to deal with afterwards and the "happy" feelings were not as impactful as they thought. So I think logically, you are seeing some of the things that will override the good feelings you have with the OM (ie. Jealousy, financial, etc...), now you just need to turn that logic into feelings and true "knowing" (so you don't have to talk yourself into it).
One other thing I wanted to mention was through what I have learned from the book "the secret" (which I haven't read but have heard about) and from "A New Earth" by Echert Tolle (which I have read and watched all the webcasts) is: It is hard to know what will give you "true" happiness in the future, UNTIL YOU REACH A PLACE OF STILLNESS AND CALMNESS IN THE PRESENT. My interpretation is that: when you are in a time of need, you will jump to something just to escape the present situation, but it may not be the best thing for you. As an example, if you are extremely hungry, and you don't have any food in the house, you may eat at whatever place is closest, whereas if you had a full belly, you may have been willing to drive further to a place that was better for you. (As an aside, I view affairs, extreme drinking, etc... like candy. It gives you pleasure in the moment and feels good, but it will rot your insides if you continue to do it for any duration. And then it will not feel so good after doing it for a while.)
Also along the same lines, if you are unhappy in the moment and you go to something else to give you that happiness, the feeling will quickly fade and you will be unhappy again. This can be seen with kids with toys, or adults with new cars, houses, jobs, locations. You will be happy with your new thing for up to 6 months, but soon the novelty will wear off and you will need a new item to bring that happiness, which in turn will wear off. And last but not least is.. relationships (unless there is clear and present flaw like abuse, lying, cheating, trust, etc...), once you have the new one that you thought would finally make you happy, the novelty will wear off and real life problems will come in. They may not be the same problems you have with your current spouse, but there will be other problems that you don't have now (ie. Jealousy, financial, etc...).
So Tolle's book says "Resistance causes Persistence" which is backed up by the psychological community. If you just try to not do something, you won't be able to quit (imagine a pink elephant, ok, now try to not think about it!! hard to do.). Ask most smokers and dieters. You must find something else enjoyable to replace it. So if you are trying to quit smoking, eat carrots, or go for a walk, etc... Same with trying to forget about the OM. Replace time spent communicating with him on doing something for yourself and/or for others. Volunteer at an animal shelter, tutor kids, etc.... You will feel much better about yourself and will feel much better in the long run (not just a "candy" momentary happiness, but you will feel proud and a long lasting happiness).
So again, thank you for sharing your perspectives and I hope I was of help in at least some little way. If you have any suggestions or perspectives about my situation, feel free to comment.
(Sorry if this post is too long. I guess I write long posts!!)
Just take one day.....or sometimes an hour at a time. Some days, we can only handle working on one goal. It is the tiny little baby steps that have seem so small to me that, at times, I could not tell any headway was being made. However, as I look back at where I was and now at where I am......I can tell those baby steps have added up. So, what I'm saying is to not put too much on yourself and stop beating yourself up from guilt and what you think you are suppose to be feeling right now....okay? Take it slow and just focus on getting through that day without making contact with OM. Because......until you can do that, sweetheart, nothing else is going to work. You cannot love two men at the same time......that was what I was told by a very wise DBer when I first joined this board. They are so right and until we WAW's can stop the no contact with OM and leave him alone.......the MR is not going to survive our lonliness and bordedom and emptiness.
Perhaps you have told this and I have forgotten, but have you been able to talk about your problem with the "feelings" for your H with him? I think your trip will help you if he is willing to step up to do whatever he can.
I was very honest.......to the point of being hurtful to him, I'm sure, but I told my H that I did not know if I would ever have the feelings for him that I once did. He took it as well as a man could, but I know I hurt him b/c it wasn't long after everything had come to blows (so to speak). He has given me a lot of space for a long time and I think it took it all in order to try to get back to my "normal" self.
The reason I am going back over this is b/c I have read other WAW's that were expecting way too much too fast when they would make that decision to stay in the M and not go to the OM......and then get all frustrated and afraid b/c the "feeings" did not follow the decision. I really believe it is normal for us to go through that period of "transition". I, for one, do not believe most people can fall in and out of love as quickly as some people pretend to do. That is why I wish couples would separate before they just run straight to the divorce court and jump into another M. Anyway, it takes us "time" and lots of it to get through this period. You are still experiencing lingering feelings which you can't decide if you really want to leave or not, and yet you feel guilty over not having the "correct" feelings a wife should have toward her H. This is too much for a person to endure. My hope is that you can find peace within your own soul. I have discovered that peace is even more valuable that "happiness", as we think of it in relationships. I hope that is encouraging and not discouraging.....it kind of sounded like something an old person would say, didn't it? (lol) However, my goal is to "get my life back again" before OM came into it. I thought it was boring, empty and unhappy.......but after the awful "other" feelings I have endured as a result of my EA with OM, I just want to be myself again and enjoy what I once had.
I hope this has not been too much of a "repeat" and that it will encourage you not to give up on your M. We never reach a point that we can stop working if we want a good MR, but just don't try to take on more than you should expect of yourself at the moment. Maybe everyone won't understand what I mean by that, but all WAW's will know exactly what I mean.
Take care and I'll be praying for you to have wonderful success at the meeting.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WDID, Perhaps you have told this and I have forgotten, but have you been able to talk about your problem with the "feelings" for your H with him? I think your trip will help you if he is willing to step up to do whatever he can.
Sandi, this has come up before, an I believe WDID has made the decision NOT to tell him about her feelings for OM, or any new contact. Several of us vehemently disagreed with that, but I believe that's what she decided.
I just wanted to say "thank you" for what you had to say about the WAW's posts. I have often felt that I have repeated my story or my thoughts so much that people are sick of hearing about it, but then a newcomer comes along and says something like you have that makes me feel that it is all worth while. I give much, much credit to the people here on the board for saving my M b/c I was really mixed up and in a "bad place" emotionally, and just about every way possible when I .......well, first I kind of fell into a snare, but then I knew what I was doing and didn't try to stop it, so I offer no excuses.
Don't apologize for long posts......I write them also (lol). Again, thanks for your kind words. It always helps us to get each others POV and I think that is what this board is all about......our POV and what we have learned that we may pass along to others.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
this2shallpass- You are welcome, and I am glad that it helps you understand by reading my posts. You gave me a lot of food for thought. Thank you. Right now, I am thinking only of getting to the Retrovaille weekend with my H. That's all I can think of.
Sandi- Thank you as always for your words. Everything you say helps me so please don't stop. I appreciate all of the support you are offering.
Puppy- I think Sandi was asking if I had talked to H about my problem of my feelings for H, not OM. But, yes, I have decided to wait to talk about the OM with H until we are on sturdier ground if ever. He and I discussed this. We both know if he wants to talk about it he can in the future, could be anytime really. We just wanted to wait a bit since we were both so vunerable. As for the contact I had with OM, I will not disclose this to him...unnecessary. Like I said before, if he finds out I will take full blame and any consequences that will follow. In my heart, I know that this is not something I should do, tell him about the contact I mean. I did talk to a priest about it, and he also said it is between God and I. We have bigger issues to solve.
Update: Feeling tired and blah all day. Last night H wanted to give me a hug and it angered me. Why is it angering me? He just angers me still. He doesn't have to be doing anything wrong and it gets me all riled up. I need to start focusing on all the good things about him, but I keep running into everything he does making me pissed off!!! 3 more days until Retrovaille.
Today, busy day. Busy days are always good. I will be at a neighborhood pool all day with my son...no time to let my mind go to bad places. H has been backing off with some physical contact because he knows it is bothering me. But he is still looking at me with love, and it is making me feel more at ease. He gets frustrated with my depression and the way I want to hide upstairs in the bedroom all the time. But, I really just need to do this to make it through my day right now. I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love. I am really liking that book. I need to get at peace with my thoughts. I've stopped losing weight and I am eating better so that is good. What can I do today that will help my R with H? Hmmmm....I think I will pick up the house so when he comes home it is all clean. He hates it when it is messy. He knows that means I'm really depressed which makes him depressed.
