smartcookie I'm so happy for you. I can only pray that my h and I will have the same progress over time. For now I'm just focusing on that spot over my head that I can't quite reach because it keeps me from crying.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
smartcookie I'm so happy for you. I can only pray that my h and I will have the same progress over time. For now I'm just focusing on that spot over my head that I can't quite reach because it keeps me from crying.
Aw Sweetie, ((((kelly jo)))) Do you want me to hold you while you cry ??? I'll pray with you too.
Then when you're done crying, wash your face, pull up your bootstraps, & keep trying to to reach that spot. You're too special not to have everything your heart desires.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Ready, I've noodled this over long enough now, my tone is soft, non confrontational, non accusatory & yet hopefully designed to show you & other DAM's something that will help them. okay ? If it doesn't help, toss it. Hugs.
<<It is amazing how H thinks things are fine while
After talking with my H, he pretended things were fine. He knew things weren't right, he wished they were different, he just didn't know what to do. He didn't pick up a book, see a counselor, or talk to me about it. Why ?
<<I just accepted things the way they were, but always wished for more.
Wait, I thought you just said you thought things were fine ?
I never accepted things the way they were, I worked my butt off to make them better. Maybe one partner works, while another wishes ??
<<W is completely miserable.
I wasn't completely miserable. When I was with my kids, I was very happy, very content, very fulfilled. I enjoyed my job when I worked. I enjoyed my home, & all my hobbies. Where my life was lacking was my marriage. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what.
<<I felt my W distancing herself, but she never said she was unhappy.
I'm guessing she said she was unhappy in the only way she knew how, you weren't capable of hearing her.
<< I didn't know how to stop her, so kept going down the cheeseless tunnels. That pushed her farther away.
Yep, that's the pattern I lived too.
<<I didn't know how verbally express my feelings to her, so I wrote her the note. She dropped the bomb.
I had tried to express my feelings verbally for years & years, that didn't work, so I wrote my H the "bomb letter".
<<I think most of the problems we have come from a lack of communication skills,
see, this is weird, because I communicate really great with you guys. Why couldn't I communicate with H before ? I have good commuication skills..... maybe one partner has them, one doesn't. My H did not.
<<boundaries,
I agree 100%, neither H nor I had appropriate healthy boundaries.
<<and a true understanding of the needs of our S
I knew what he needed, & I tried to meet those needs, even years after I was starving to death. I assume other spouses do too, but for some reason, the other spouse can't receive.
Here's my example.....H wanted to connect to me, he didn't know how to connect emotionally, so he fell back on what he knew... sex... he thought sex would do that, he pushed for more sex, we had sex, he felt connected short term. The connection wasn't true, it didn't last. Now he realizes that the deeper emotional intimacy connection is much richer & longer lasting than just physical sex. Before when we had sex, he took physical pleasure from me, now when we have sex, he gives emotional & physical pleasure TO me. It's much more rewarding, deeper, & longer lasting. make sense ?
<<combined with a lack of true giving.
I think one or the other gives truly. Both need to. One has to learn how. Usually the one learns how when they experience deep pain.
<<What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree, have more to add?
Me ? Have more to add, lol, always.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Next youll be making your own light sabre,so you can try it out on racefan,instead of the 2 x 4s.
It might be a good change,hes probably getting bored of those!
This is SC's assistant; SC can't respond right now, she's in the garage, fashioning a light sabre.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I gave as much as I knew how to at the time, which I thought was a lot, but looking back it was fairly inadequate due to my empty love bucket & massive baggage. I believe that is why I ended up exhausted, depressed, & sick with a failing endocrine system.
Now that I'm taking care of myself first, & filling my own love bucket, GAL & healing myself through therapy, I have much more to give, both in quality & quantity.
Being perfectly honest, I'm not giving all that I'm capable of though. Previously, I always put all the energy into the relationship. If I go back to doing that, H may feel that he can put less energy in than he has been.
Our goal is a power equal relationship. I'm matching him, as he's growing & changing. I'm giving him room to grow emotionally while I grow & evolve myself. I think it's working.
did that answer your question ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Mrs SC- " think one or the other gives truly. Both need to. One has to learn how. Usually the one learns how when they experience deep pain."
perhaps i'm being a typical DAM....but how can the LBS, in particular the H's, communicate this NOW to our WAW's? I'm still learning......is it along the lines "if you let the thing you love the most free and it comes back to you, it's true love?" Is this where "It's all about her" comes in?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Driving in the car, I used to say "doesn't an ice cream cone sound good ", (I wanted one), he'd say "no, ", (he's trying to lose 5 lbs). I'd be hurt. I thought he'd ask me if I wanted one. I thought he knew I wanted one. I thought he was being unaware of me. I'm sad.
Now:
Driving in the car, I say "I would like an ice cream cone" (I'm taking care of me, I'm being assertive, I'm expressing my wants) he says "okay, that sounds really good actually". I smile. What if he says "no, I don't feel like one", I say "that's okay, but I would".
If you think this is about ice cream, see me after class.
hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
hi smartcookie - you are an inspiration! i found you .... yes-im with Neil on the patience thing- i am at month 3 and im getting a bit impatient- yet ive been seeing great, yet slow results from being patient! ugh... anyway- thanks for your replies to everyone- what is your current sitch? i see this is yor thread but everyone loves your advice and asks you questions here...what do YOU need
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
