I don't think I've posted to you before, but I have read your story and I am truly in awe. You are truly a strong woman and you understand I think what many men and women do not - that a real life involves real experiences and real pain. That's not to say that I condone your husband's past bad behaviour. I don't. But you have used that very difficult period in your marriage to discover so much more about yourself. And then you've gifted your husband with it. Amazing.
I hope your husband realises how damn lucky he is to be married to a woman like you. Do not let him take you for granted.
However, there is some advice I would like to give you:
"but I also see that when my H is around and I am being his WIFE. I am more focused on him than me. And when he is gone ... I cant stop thinking about ways to be sexual with him. IE~Wink at him and touch myself inappropriately with a come hither look. Like a seductive Woman. And then **** the living daylights out of him. Not everyday , but more often than not. So I am much "better" but how do I further turn off this switch? I wanna just be the real raw, sensual , seductive, fun , daring unpredictable me. Like I was when we met. I get glimpses of it more when he isnt here and I think about him. WTF?"
(1) Do not make your husband the centre of your life. You must still come first, him second even if only close behind! You were not put on this Earth just to please him, but to please yourself and through that be able to please him. Did you give up your work?
(2) Do not let your understandable desire to sexually please and fulfil him (and of course yourself) become an obsession. Sexual desire cannot run on an empty tank. So think of and do other things as well.
(3) As part of that, perhaps you should do some creative and sensual pastime you've always wanted to - maybe some theatre or music or dance or painting (or anything else that catches your imagination). Really. You are a busy mother and wife, but you must do something to feed your soul as well i.e. YOU. Maybe this is what will feed your "raw, sensual...unpredictable" side?!?
(4) Do not chase the girl you once were, the one that first met your husband. She is gone. She cannot be recaptured. But that is good. She has grown into the woman you are today. Much more experienced, more aware of her sensuality and sexuality, and far stronger. Able to forgive her husband and still love him. Why do you need to go back? We all grow old and change, Ali. That's a certainty. Learn to embrace that fact with the same courage you have embraced everything else in your life.
(5) The "switch" you need to turn off is the one to your incessant worrying! Stop worrying about everything and get on with living. Now. Just go ahead and be the best and most passionate woman you can be. The lover/wife/mother thing will follow naturally. Even those things cannot guarantee the future of your marriage. There are no guarantees. But you already know that - right? You worry instead about what you will do if or when this current good period in your life comes to an end - right? The answer is that you will cope - admirably and courageously as you already have in the past. You have done great and you will carry on doing great!
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
