Hope4us struggle, part 7

[Hope4us]

If you liked that one Pup, you'll love this one. Heck, friends of hers are now sending truth darts her way and I didn't have a thing to do with it.

Back in our home town there was a HR lady having an affair with one of the managers in W's department. It was pretty common knowledge throughout the office. Well, last Thurs, W talked to her old boss and he said to her "well, I just discovered that the rumors about HR lady and manager were true" and W said to him "uh, yeah, are ya blind"? and old boss said "I guess I'm just naive. I really don't think to highly about that stuff". And W told him "yeah". So BAM. Truth dart from the old boss. And I'm just stunned that W would even tell me of that conversation with her old boss. It was almost like she was throwing a truth dart at herself!

[fightingirish]

you've got mail.

[Hope4us]

Another good night in the H4U household. So why do I feel so sad?

Yesterday afternoon W started IM'ing me and we talked that way for quite a while. More good stuff for the relationship. When we got home she picked up right where we left off with the IM's. I ended the IM's before she was ready to quit talking telling her I had to get some work done, so that was a good DB moment for me. And last night when I got home she started talking and I let her go for a bit and then said "I'm going to go mow the yard" and did that and trimming, etc for probably an hour and a half. When I came in she started talking again, more and more.

So why sad? When I was mowing I just had this overall sense of the waste of this all come over me. I started crying. I'm glad our yard is big enough with enough bushes that the neighbors couldn't see me. And then just as I was finishing up our neighbor came over to invite us to an open house for he and his wife's 60th wedding anniversary. Man, that hit me hard. 60 years. I've fantasized about having a marriage that long. My parents were married over 50 years before dad died, and I saw that in my future. Now I'm not so sure.

So when I was done we talked and talked and then W had to watch another addition of that stupid "The Bachelor, where are they now" show and I sat down and read my book before going to bed.

This morning W was pretty upbeat when I talked to her. Didn't talk much, but just some convo about the dog going outside before I left, etc. And I'm still in a sad mood.

I know I shouldn't be. I seem to be in the place where many others here would kill to be, but it's still hard. I'll snap out of it, I always do, but it's just hard.

Thanks for listening.

[lost_in_space]

H4U

You are right - many would kill to be where you are, BUT I can understand that still doesn't mean it is totally easy for you. Keep up with what you are doing for you - your hard work is paying off. Day by day is how we all need to take it...

Just like the sitch, feelings will be on a rollercoaster and you have to hang on at times like this. Just ride it out...

[kat727]

I think you are finally starting to feel all the emotion that you have bottled up for all of this time. Michelle talks abput that at the end of DR. You have been focusing so much on her and reacting to her, that you have surpressed your feelings for that whole time. They are breaking through. I'd take it as a good sign.

kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Lost, Kat. I know what I'm feeling is completely normal. And I'm starting to snap back, but it's just so hard. I don't know if W will ever do what I need to heal, and that's what scares me.

What if she figures it out and realizes she does love me and wants to make our marriage work but won't do what I need and then I'm the one that has to decide whether to settle for less than I want/need?

Stuff to ponder.

[lost_in_space]

Keep the horse before the cart. No sense thinking about the "what ifs" at this point. You may think yourself into a place you do not want to go.

Yesterday is behind me.
Tomorrow is not important.
Today is my everything.
Now is my reality.
(Author unknown)

[Hope4us]

Thanks Lost, I appreciate it.

Thing is, the closer I get to my goal, the more these thoughts come into my head that I'm not sure it's what I want. I just don't know. It's like everytime we have a good stretch I allow myself to think of the enormity of it all and I'm not sure it's what I want. I've been fighting this for so long and have got NOTHING for so long that it's hard to think that I'll ever get what I want/need. I mean, she's been so self-absorbed for 16 or so months now that I just have a hard time remembering what my real W was like. And now that this has happened I've recognized some things pre-A that I KNOW she needs to change for me to be happy, and I'm just not sure she'll make those changes.

And that scares me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What if she figures it out and realizes she does love me and wants to make our marriage work but won't do what I need and then I'm the one that has to decide whether to settle for less than I want/need?

Then you will ponder, and you will pray, and you will get all kinds of support here, and you will apply all of the wisdom I have watched you acquire here in a very short time, and all of the integrity and character that you ALREADY had, and you will do the right thing.

Of that I am certain, my friend.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

H4U

You're feeling fear becasue of the uncertainty and a you starting to recognize what you need - I can understand that. I suspect that at the start of this whole ordeal, your prime feeling was again fear. You dealt with it then and I am sure you can deal with it now.

Remember to believe in yourself that you can get through whatever comes your way.

Also, isn't it that your pre-A M is gone? Are you not looking to rebuild rather than repair so as to ensure the best possibility to make things the best that they can be? You believed you could do it all this time - hold on to that as you go and quite possibly your W will follow.

No guarantees but you have to believe! Try to dismiss the thoughts because you cannot do anything with them now anyway.