Meeting WAS for first time. Any advice?

[MaxP]

Christa,

Death is a very personal thing and can affect us in many different ways. Like relationships, we may think we have dealt with the issues surrounding these events, but not realise that we are living with the effects.

I met my W soon after the death of her mother and was amazed at how little she seemed to be affected by it (I lost mine when I was 18, same cause). She is an only child of elderly parents and her ability to grieve openly for her mother was stifled. When her uncle died, also of the same thing, she seemed far more determined to handle it her own way. She certainly had issues she needed to deal with, some of the comments she used to make were troubling enough for me to recommend her go to couselling (things like 'I am such a bad person'). Ironically, I wonder whether the issues that came up there hardened her belief to leave. I became perceived as a person who was incompatible with who she felt she had become (or was). Later of course, 'we' were viewed as never having been right for each other. Nice.

The children issue is hard too. I am still unsure of how I feel about children, but know that on balance I want a family. This was a change for me. However, I find myself starting that whole process again, at what feels like an awkward age. What makes it harder is that most friends and family members now have young families of their own. I sometimes wonder how I got here when everyone else seemed to make it. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for. You shouldn't worry, you are still very young. Things will happen when they are right. At least neither of us have kids in this sitch. That is a blessing.

Most of the people we used to socialise with were her friends. So when she finally left, many of the people I knew well in the area 'went' with her. Some even congratulated her on having the strength to leave, which I felt was completely insulting to me. One thing this has shown is how it's easy to neglect friendships, something I need to pay more attention to. The trouble is, in forging new friendships I am finding that those with women prove hardest, since often these have the potential to be new Rs which clearly complicates things.

I'm slowly making my way through the backlog of your threads! It seems like your H is slowly coming round. He clearly is carrying a lot of anger, which is no surprise. Rebuilding that trust will be very hard. He will be scared that you will go again, just when he feels settled. He may be scared that he will never feel totally at ease in your R again. He may feel that what was once good has been made impossible through your actions and be blaming you for that loss. One thing I think that is very important is that you both give yourselves time for certain feelings to be aired before you attempt to build something better. Think of the negative emotions as the poison being drained from an infected wound. It is necessary for survival and eventual renewed health.

Finally, thanks for looking in. Even though I feel my R has passed, it still really helps to talk sometimes.

Max