Mulesqb - Can the sun shine on a donkey's a$$?

[mulesqb]

No - when i came in the house - she asked me to come to our room and told me that she made a big mistake and just did it for effect because the boys were pushing her buttons to no end. She said she would never, ever do what she said and realized right away it was a huge mistake. She spent the rest of the day smothering them and making it up them.

I told her if I ever saw or heard anything in the vain again - I'm pulling them out that minute. She promised me 100x that it was for effect only and a very bad mistake in judgement. Like I said - she can be very convincing when she wants to be. That was the day I began thinking about the psychiatrist.

In hindsight - I should have done the psychiatrist thing right then and there. I know I am bad at this - but I am not going to repeat the same mistakes.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Did you report (tell) it to anyone else at the time? A friend or family member?

[mulesqb]

Puppy - No I didn't - she swore me to secrecy - can you believe I even feel guilty with what I posted as being a breach of trust? I told her Mom and Dad that there was something tramautic that happened and explained to them how she swore me to secrecy.

[Bworl]

I did not see this before I posted earlier, so let me comment.

One of my ex's big problems I think was a very emotionally abusive relationship with her late mother.

Her mother was very cruel to the kids - making a daughter go to school with vegetable oil in her hair because she thought the daughter was too vain about her looks, things like that.

She also, on at least two occasions, took the kids out in the car with herself and threated to run them all into an embankment and kill them all.

Each of the four kids in that family have had significant issues because of this treatment by their mother. And keep in mind, they each LOVED this woman.

That kind of action is emotional abuse of the highest level and can destroy children who look to their parents to be their safety and security.

My own son, now 16, carries with him the baggage that it was a dispute over HIS behavior that took place the night his mother tried to commit suicide. I worked long and hard with him in the weeks and months following to make sure that he realized that her actions were NOT because of him. I MADE her tell him that to his face over and over.

I trust that she really did realize how completely wrong that was. And I agree totally that any other similar occurence should be sufficient to insist on an immediate separation.


Blessings,

Bill

[mulesqb]

Bill - Yes - she goes every Tuesday. I don't think she'll go when i suggest it - but I think it's time to try something a little more dramatic like this. Things aren't changing at all. She asked me to be patient the other night - that she has only been to her counselor twice. I know for a fact that she has been to her 4x. She just doesn't remember things very well.

Bill - everything else in your post sums up my sitch so perfectly that I feel you have a camera looking in.

What do you mean by cycling?? I have now shared everything. The paragraph about the 180 degree changes in behavior has me crying at my desk. That is my W - I couldn't describe it any better.

The part about the sense of loss - it REALLY feels like she has died.

I think at some point tonight she will mention her session today - I will try your questions as suggested. I agree - I don't think counseling is helping her at all right now. If it was I would leave it alone and not pursue a psychiatrist.

I feel the same way about the separation - but even though she is so sad about us - she won't leave again. And yes - I can't more than handle the full load - if i don't have to deal with the ups and downs. I actually have really enjoyed the kids when she is not around - no pressure and no guilt.

[mulesqb]

FIB - YEs I live in NY. Her Mom has actually told me to make sure I do not leave the house. She has said - it's my daughter and I'm telling you - she should leave not you - make sure you do not leave that house. That was early on - she was the first one to suggest i protect myself.

[mulesqb]

Bill - There are some similarities here. My IC thinks my W has something she's hiding from childhood. She claims her Mom was cruel but I just don't believe it. I think it's something else.

My W had done something similar in the car with my boys before any of this started - back in December.

Wow - That is very heavy stuff for a 16 year old kid - I will pray for him. Believe me - this is another thing my W knows is a deal breaker. If she says anything of the sort again or even hints at it, I am taking the kids to her parents and will deal with this with her family and whoever else we need.

You know what is terrible - the more I type things out here the more I realize how many mistakes I have made here and how weak I have been. I actually feel worse today than ever. I am going to be very strong about the next slip up on her part - I can't believe what I have let go on at home all because I was afraid to lose her. Right now i feel as selfish as she looks to me.

[The Wifey]

mulesqb

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN SELFISH! Yes, I am shouting at you. You did what you thought was best at the time out of love for your W. That isn't selfish, honey. Not at all. You wanted to keep your family together. That isn't wrong.

We are here and we will help carry you when its hard to go on. Lord knows that people have picked me chin up out of the gutter a few times here.

[Bworl]

Don't be so hard on yourself Mules. This is hopefully some of the worst crap we will ever have to deal with, and it generally comes at us from out of left field.

We're all doing the best we can. Reminds me a bit of teaching my first year of AP Calculus and doing all I could to stay one day ahead of the kids.

The hardest part of this is finding the balance. No one wants you to become a hardass. No one wants you to beat your wife up with all her faults. I hope that's not what you're taking away from our advice.

You have to establish boundaries in her behavior. And you need to communicate those boundaries to her. It's ok for her to have a pissy day and not want to be around the boys at all. It's not ok to have a pissy day and threaten to do harm to herself in front of them. Making comments that are extremely hurtful to them, in their presence, is behavior that cannot be tolerated.

I really don't think that your wife is THAT far off her rocker that she would intentionally hurt your boys emotionally. But repeated bad behavior is something you have to put a stop to.

Your boys are going to feel neglected by her, there's nothing you can do about that. It's where she is right now - selfish land. All she can see is her pain, her confusion, her sadness. Anything that intrudes on her when she is down is not going to be handled well by her.

You are right to insist that she either find help for her depression/sadness/restlessness, or that she eventually take some time away from the house.

Just always keep in mind the detached unconditional love that you are trying to show.

You are doing your best to be that lighthouse that she can use to find her way back eventually. Don't burn bridges, but do protect yourself and your family.


Bill

[mulesqb]

Kelly - WHEW - I feel like I'm in therapy right now. Getting pretty emotional - had to close the door to my office. Thanks for the support - I REALLY need it right now.

That's all I've been trying to do - keep my family together. It been the basis of every decision I've made. I'm so afraid that we are going to break up - not really for me - moreso for the boys. I don't want them to have to go through that. They don't deserve that. I don't want a life where I can't be with them every minute of every day. I would do anything for them. I love her that much too. I'm trying to believe she is still in there somewhere - that's why she won't leave the house. That's why she keeps pulling me back.

Thanks for shouting at me.