Thanks for coming by Puppy, the first 5 months or so of my threads had to be deleted, as a friend's WAH had access to my information & I didn't want to chance him passing it along.
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1. Has your husband admitted to an EA? A PA? Denied either?
When he moved out 14 months ago on the day of the bomb, he said there was no affair. Two months later I have evidence there is, he comes semi-clean & admits one, but says it started 1 month after we separated.
Many lies later, with him saying he either had or was going to break it off w/OW or had already & wanted to R, I told him I wouldn't continue to do thing's with him (including ML)as long as he had an affair going on. There are no more kisses/hugs, etc. either.The big distance away from me was after I called OW when I discovered she was on a trip w/him, after telling me he broke it off w/her telling her she should ask him for the truth. I guess it wasn't as easy to keep me under wraps after that.
Since then, he tries to keep his foot in the door with inviting my family & friends to spend time with him & S5, buying expensive items for my S16 & doing favors for me.
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2. What is this "offer" he keeps hanging over your head?
When he senses I'm moving on, he gets out "The Offer", which is what he's willing to give me if we D. He hasn't filed & still lives in the guest house of another property he owns.
The pattern has been, when he is getting ready for a trip w/OW, he starts talking about moving into a more suitable/permanent place. I guess that way, if I call her again, he can say he told me he was moving forward toward the D & I'm just the LBS unable to let go.
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4. What boundaries have you previously stated to him? Which have been kept, which have been violated, and what were the consequences for him violating them?
The first boundary was last Thanksgiving, when I discovered OW was going with him to Hawaii for 8 days & I said if he went on the trip, I wouldn't stay in the marriage. He cancelled it the day before, spent Thankx w/me, but left right after to spend the rest of the holiday w/her. I'm pretty sure she never knew why he called off the trip.
After that, he would lie & make it appear that he wasn't seeing her. When I would discover it wasn't true & it looked like I may move on, he would start telling me he was going to start having S5 more, move, give me "The Offer", etc. until I was a little more friendly. It's been wash-rinse-repeat since then, although I've been closing the door more & more.
I've just now firmly stated the boundaries & told him the consequences.
I don't know if that's enough to understand the issues.
