I hate you to I love you in 13 grueling months

[smartcookie]

Hey Ready, I've noodled this over long enough now, my tone is soft, non confrontational, non accusatory & yet hopefully designed to show you & other DAM's something that will help them. okay ? If it doesn't help, toss it. Hugs.

<<It is amazing how H thinks things are fine while

After talking with my H, he pretended things were fine. He knew things weren't right, he wished they were different, he just didn't know what to do. He didn't pick up a book, see a counselor, or talk to me about it. Why ?

<<I just accepted things the way they were, but always wished for more.

Wait, I thought you just said you thought things were fine ?

I never accepted things the way they were, I worked my butt off to make them better. Maybe one partner works, while another wishes ??

<<W is completely miserable.

I wasn't completely miserable. When I was with my kids, I was very happy, very content, very fulfilled. I enjoyed my job when I worked. I enjoyed my home, & all my hobbies. Where my life was lacking was my marriage. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what.


<<I felt my W distancing herself, but she never said she was unhappy.

I'm guessing she said she was unhappy in the only way she knew how, you weren't capable of hearing her.

<< I didn't know how to stop her, so kept going down the cheeseless tunnels. That pushed her farther away.

Yep, that's the pattern I lived too.

<<I didn't know how verbally express my feelings to her, so I wrote her the note. She dropped the bomb.

I had tried to express my feelings verbally for years & years, that didn't work, so I wrote my H the "bomb letter".

<<I think most of the problems we have come from a lack of communication skills,

see, this is weird, because I communicate really great with you guys. Why couldn't I communicate with H before ? I have good commuication skills..... maybe one partner has them, one doesn't. My H did not.

<<boundaries,

I agree 100%, neither H nor I had appropriate healthy boundaries.

<<and a true understanding of the needs of our S

I knew what he needed, & I tried to meet those needs, even years after I was starving to death. I assume other spouses do too, but for some reason, the other spouse can't receive.

Here's my example.....H wanted to connect to me, he didn't know how to connect emotionally, so he fell back on what he knew... sex... he thought sex would do that, he pushed for more sex, we had sex, he felt connected short term. The connection wasn't true, it didn't last. Now he realizes that the deeper emotional intimacy connection is much richer & longer lasting than just physical sex. Before when we had sex, he took physical pleasure from me, now when we have sex, he gives emotional & physical pleasure TO me. It's much more rewarding, deeper, & longer lasting. make sense ?

<<combined with a lack of true giving.

I think one or the other gives truly. Both need to. One has to learn how. Usually the one learns how when they experience deep pain.

<<What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree, have more to add?

Me ? Have more to add, lol, always.

Hugs