You don't appear to have read any of DQ's previous posts ... Nuff said about that already.
However, ignoring the comments about DQ, there were a couple of points I wanted to respond to:
(1) "LTRs/Ms always seem to balance dangerously on this precarious feelings-driven razor's edge. why over 70% of Ds are filed by Ws probably IMO ... we males, for the most part, aren't driven by feelings ... our word and our loyalty is our bond -- at least in the mature ones ... the alpha kings/not immature princes who can't seem to control their penile turgidity."
You may well be right. But if a marriage is to have an erotic, charged sexual element (as opposed to crap/duty/pity/no sex) there has to be some kind of feelings-driven "edge" - doesn't there? Perhaps the reason why over 70% of divorces are filed by wives is that so damn many men treat their marriages as a comfort zone or worse, premature retirement home/graveyard?
(2) "IMO a lot of the problems I've seen over the years on SSM spring from OP who give his/her power away to the external "needs" instead of pulling it all in and making decisions from an internal locus of control/frame of reference ... ie, sex is a part of me ... sex does not define my greater level of happiness."
IMO there's a lot to be said for this, for men particularly, but once you have it all "within you" and are thinking and acting from that strong inner self ... that still leaves how the spouse is/wants to be, and the relationship itself. He/she has their own responsibility and sometimes sadly - for their own particular reasons - they cannot face or own it. That's why some SSMs survive ... no scrub that (who'd want a SSM to "survive"?!?) ... metamorphosise into proper loving relationships, and some end instead.
(3) "A great LTR/M is a wheel with equal spokes: Sex, Companionship, Friendship, Finances, Children, Shared Dreams"
That's definitely one way to describe it.
(4) "I don't believe the frequency of sexual contact should trump all other spokes."
Neither do I, and I would urge any man in a SSM - no matter how depressed and despondent - not to neglect the other spokes, as this will only worsen the problem exponentially. But the Sex spoke is still a spoke, and if that is neglected or missing, then sooner or later the wheel will come off altogether.
(5) "It all boils down to the center of the wheel. And what might that be? Commitment to your lover for the long haul. No matter what life throws at you."
I just can't agree. The wagon is the marriage, and commitment is the journey i.e. the long haul. But if its going to be a fulfilling and enjoyable journey the wagon has to be properly maintained in its own right. If its a bad marriage, its a bad marriage period, no matter how long its lasted, or how long the spouses hope it will continue. And if the couple want their marriage to make the long haul, they have to regularly service all the moving parts. If there is a centre to the wheel, its mutual attraction - once that dies the wheels definitely come off. But I don't define "attraction" in some kind of superficial way. Attraction is about maintaining through will and hard work the attractive personal qualities that brought the couple together in the first place - that includes the sensual and physical aspects (these can be maintained and even improved with effort) as well as the emotional, intellectual and spiritual characteristics.
I for one am firmly convinced that it is that dynamic and nothing else that lies at the centre of a healthy and sexual marriage. "No matter what" commitment sounds great in theory ... but IMO in practice breeds all kinds of entitlement, disrespect and frankly laziness in both men and women. Like I said, there needs to be that "edge" to a marriage to keep both spouses honest with themselves and each other.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
