PDT/mules..this is a difficult area. My W had a breakdown in November and at 930PM at night, I had her at a psychiatrist's office. Later, i was accused of 'picking the shrink' and 'setting her up'. This may backfire.
Be supportive and CAREFUL about this. She may feel attacked. If there is a moment or opening that is 'right', you may suggest that she may benefit from help. HOWEVER, the key to healing is recognizing you need help and SEEKING IT. You can lead a horse to water, etc.
After two years, my W is now saying that she doesn't want a D and is seeing a psychologist now REGULARLY that, in her words, 'specializes in this'.
Think, think, think first.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
In my opinion, just based on reading ALL of your posts on here the last few months, your wife needs some professional help -- preferably, with a psychiatrist.
Thanks Puppy - everyone who knows her thinks she needs it (except of course the neighbors who don't know the real her)- it's just been too drastic a change in personality and appearance.
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I would say that, considering how you answered my question (and it is exactly how I expected the answer to be), that you should firmly LEAD her way into seeing someone, including a family intervention if need be.
I am leaning that way also. I think I am finally strong enough again to take the risk. Worst case scenario - if she gets better and I lose her - at least she gets better. She's just so different - has closed everybody out of her life except the neighbors. They are the only friends she has left - she's divorced herself from her old life. Tattoos, bellyrings,tanning salons, pot, alcohol,convertibles, weekend trips to the Jersey Shore with the freak show next door- that's not her. Unless it's possible for a person to drop all values and morals and beliefs they have had for the last 41 and a half years. She was into cooking, family get togethers, seeing her friends at the kids activities, dining out with me, movies both with me and with the kids, church/religion, running/walking, etc...
I am finally going to do this. The first time the sitch presents itself - I am going to firmly talk to her about it. I have been close a few times and felt that I was trying to fix her and backed off.
There was one other sitch that happened with her that I didn't feel comfortable posting here and still don't - but if I did I think you all would have suggested this already. But in typical form she can be very convincing when she needs to be to keep the status quo.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
PDT/mules..this is a difficult area. My W had a breakdown in November and at 930PM at night, I had her at a psychiatrist's office. Later, i was accused of 'picking the shrink' and 'setting her up'. This may backfire.
Be supportive and CAREFUL about this. She may feel attacked. If there is a moment or opening that is 'right', you may suggest that she may benefit from help. HOWEVER, the key to healing is recognizing you need help and SEEKING IT. You can lead a horse to water, etc.
After two years, my W is now saying that she doesn't want a D and is seeing a psychologist now REGULARLY that, in her words, 'specializes in this'.
Think, think, think first.
FIB - I agree totally. I think the right opportunity has to present itself. After being in the is cycle now for 6 months - there is no doubt in my mind that it will again - and probably sooner than later.
Unfortunately the perfect time was two weeks ago when she agreed to trial separate only to show up at home and refuse to go. She broke down that night in my arms - I chickened out on the talk. As Puppy has mentioned - I took the easy way out. I can't do that anymore - it's not working. I have to see what it's like not to and deal with her afterwards. I may blow it big time - but this current sitch isn't going anywhere.
I have ths place to take her already - that hospital I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. But I am not going to suggest that right away. i am going to make the suggestion of seeing the psychiatrist and then mention that I will look into right away and then come back with it as the fastest way to get evaluated - then they recommend a doctor to see. She knows she needs help - she thinks she is getting it through counseling - but quite frankly if she can't remember conversations we had last week how is she benefiting from counseling right now?? This is a very difficult are - I agree - but i think it's time to try something different. The one thing I will say though is that the dog seems to have leveled her off a bit in a good way. So maybe it will take a little longer to get back to a sitch where I can make the suggestion.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
There was one other sitch that happened with her that I didn't feel comfortable posting here and still don't - but if I did I think you all would have suggested this already.
I wasn't even aware of the pot. Definite red flag, IMHO.
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but was the other sitch with her (the one that you haven't wanted to mention), did it involve swinging?
no - She was so exasperated that she was threatening to do something to herself in front of two of the kids and got pretty animated - I wasn't home at the time it occurred but I think you get the picture.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
She's in counseling on a regular basis right now, correct?
To me, suggesting that she needs a psychiatrist is not going to go over very well right now. Perhaps that doesn't matter. That is, if things are getting worse instead of staying the same or improving, maybe it is worth the potential downfall to press her on this matter. Just keep in mind that you will never be able to MAKE her go if she refuses.
Mules, I know it's rough on you. I figure co-habitating with a full blown MLC'er is probably worth at least 2x the turmoil of living apart.
Keep in mind that there are clearer moments. She is cycling, and sometimes cycling big time. Still, she has not yet crossed some fundamental lines that would have me urging her out the door (unless you haven't shared them).
As for the 180 degree changes in behavior, well my friend, THAT is what resonated with me when I first read your sitch. I experienced the same thing. A woman who was previously a solid Christian woman, faithful beyond any question, loving and devoted mother, a woman who wished she could just stay home and be a homemaker but worked because we needed the income, one who frowned on those who made choices like living together before marriage, having affairs, excessive partying. She became all of those things in the matter of less than two months.
It's mind boggling. And I completely understand your frustration and sense of loss.
When our detachment wanes, we feel the loss more acutely. Everything she does is somehow magnified and we find ourselves spending more and more time pondering what they've become and what they've done. It's a constant fight to LET IT GO and focus your time and energies where they can be productive: you, the boys, the home, your work, sports, etc.
Perhaps it's time to ask her a few safe and gentle questions regarding her counseling. Not as to the content of their discussions, but more along the lines of "Do you feel like it's helping? Are you making progress? Are things becoming more understandable?"
It doesn't seem like those things are happening, but it might just be my skewed perspective of trying to keep up with your posts.
I still think a separation is going to have to occur at some point. You are getting worn out carrying the full load. Of course, with the separation you will still be carrying the full load. You just won't be dealing with her ups and downs every day.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
....and know your legal rights...regarding separation..if you DO live in NY. It has substantial implications for us men here in NY. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
