One question, you mentioned that this was expected to be your final MC session. Where did you leave things WRT that, and ongoing communication and M work?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
But...like you...I am taking back my life and REFUSE to deprive myself of the small beautiful things that bring peace.
Keep up the good work. I respect you. You've worked so hard.
FIB
It goes back to PMA and GAL...always. DBing is a life strategy...it's what helps us remember to take care of ourselves and make our own selves happy. It's how, even in the midst of the crummy sitch I was in two years ago or the horrid sitch you're in now, there are moments of peace and real happiness.
Thank you for the compliment! For the record, I respect you too, and I'm not sure I could have stuck it through as long as you have with the particulars of your situation. But you've been true to your path and needs...as long as you continue with that, I don't think you can go wrong.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
One question, you mentioned that this was expected to be your final MC session. Where did you leave things WRT that, and ongoing communication and M work?
Well, since this session was basically about the July 4 fiasco, we've got another appt. scheduled for 6 weeks later. I'll bring that up then. I also need to keep myself conscious and address anything on my end. You may remember the boundaries I gave H back in March, and one of them was if you don't tell me, it doesn't exist. YOUR responsibility for unhappiness at that point. So I'm going to hold him to it.
I can keep waiting for the boogeyman to jump out again. I want to get back to really living my life, and let H make whatever decisions he's going to make. I can't *make* him take responsibility for speaking up, but I also can't take on the worry of it either.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
[quote=SDFoundGirl The key has been to refocus on me, to remember that no one owes me anything. I am my own worst enemy, and I am also responsible for my own happiness.SD [/quote]
Yep, happiness isn't something that comes ready made, it comes about by our own actions.
Glad you hear you're feeling better, SD. You had a backslide. We all do it. Dust off and get back on the horse!
And you will have to accept that your H will act like a comeplete horse's behind from time to time and get things wrong. Mine does. But then he goes and does something so lovely ... I try to push away all the bad things, we're all human and all get it wrong. i used to think there was nothing wrong with making a mistake as long as you didn't make the same one twice ... then I find myself making the same mistakes over and over and over again ... heck, i'm only me!
Carry on with your prescrption, missy ... loads of GAL, limit on the analysing, and at the end of the day ... just say "oh F*** it!" and laugh
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks, Jen. I have to remember that I'm about as imperfect as H is. Sometimes I get into a head space where I think he can't possibly be as changed as I am because I went through DBing. But the truth is, he did a lot of work on himself. And he is trying.
Dear boy, his LL is Acts of Service mostly I think. He brought home a coffee for me tonight (a special kind; it's nice that he notices what I order!) on the off chance I might want one. I thanked him big time for it. It's not my LL, but I recognize that's a sign of his love.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Sometimes I get into a head space where I think he can't possibly be as changed as I am because I went through DBing.
oh YES!!!! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! I sometimes think "I did DB'ing, it changed MY life, it made ME a lot happier and what did YOU do? Nothing! Just sat there and WAITED for the bad times to pass".
But what's wrong with this picture? Well, to me it smacks of "everything would be great if YOU changed". I was ignoring the small signs that H had changed. I was looking for him to do things MY way (ie the DB way). But he has changed. He got there, and he did it HIS way, which for him is the ONLY way. I can't make him do things my way, the most I can do is make suggestions to him, but I cannot and will not make decisions for him.
After I went through this stage of being resentful that I had done all this great work on me and H (to my eyes) had done nothing, I had a bit of an aha moment. it was last July, I drove 400 miles in one day to Scotland at the last minute to go to my favourit aunt's funeral. I was shattered! I spoke to my parents, who were going, they were worried, H was worried, and I realised between Newcastle and Edinburgh that people care about me. It was a bit of an emotional time but I made the decision that I was going to stop living in the past. I was expecting my parents to nag and tell me off for making such a long journey in one day. They were worried, that was all. I expected H to be "oh OK, off you go, see you later" and he was worried. I decided to stop treating both my parents and H as i had done before and start accepting what I saw in front of me, they were just worried.
It was a great moment. I then went to and decided that I was no longer going to let what had gone on in the past (i didn't get on too well with my parents) affect my present. i decided to stop living my life to suit what other people thought I should do and start living it for what **I ** wanted. I had just got myself a job as a manager - I quit that 6 weeks later cos it wasn't what I wanted to do.
I looked at the evidence in front of my eyes - parents and a H who CARED. I realised I was lucky to have that and I was darned well going to start enjoying it. I said "stuff the past! I am one darned great individul and from now on I'm going to appreciate what i do have rather than moaning about what i don't have".
A year later ... it's served me well. I have a lot of good in my life. Any changes I want to make, I start with me. If I need help, I ask for it. It works for me.
Do I think I'll ever get bombed again? Maybe. I cannot control the future, all I can do is focus on the present and make that as enjoyable as I can.
Gosh - didn't quite mean to post so much, and it's all about me - sorry about that, I mean for you to read this and see what fits with you too.
Take care SD You're doing really well, Summer 2008 for me is shaping up to be similar to Summer 2006 - care to join me?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Dear boy, his LL is Acts of Service mostly I think. He brought home a coffee for me tonight (a special kind; it's nice that he notices what I order!) on the off chance I might want one. I thanked him big time for it. It's not my LL, but I recognize that's a sign of his love.
Have you shared 5LL with him? I did with my W, back when things were starting to improve, and she really "got" it and liked it.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
oh YES!!!! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! I sometimes think "I did DB'ing, it changed MY life, it made ME a lot happier and what did YOU do? Nothing! Just sat there and WAITED for the bad times to pass".
But what's wrong with this picture? Well, to me it smacks of "everything would be great if YOU changed". I was ignoring the small signs that H had changed. I was looking for him to do things MY way (ie the DB way). But he has changed. He got there, and he did it HIS way, which for him is the ONLY way. I can't make him do things my way, the most I can do is make suggestions to him, but I cannot and will not make decisions for him.
Terrific insights, Jen. Thanks!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
It was a great moment. I then went to and decided that I was no longer going to let what had gone on in the past (i didn't get on too well with my parents) affect my present. i decided to stop living my life to suit what other people thought I should do and start living it for what **I ** wanted.
Wow, Jen, thanks for the post. I identify so strongly with it...and mostly I do a pretty good job of staying there.
Just wondering...why didn't you get along with your parents? I'm asking because tomorrow I am on a plane back to my hometown for a friend's wedding...and while I'm there I'll be spending some time with my mom.
It's not a good relationship...and I am still so new at taking care of myself and living for me that I feel so weak around her. It's like we're back to when I was 13 again. She's said some pretty horrible things to me in my life, gave me NO trust or space, searched through my belongings, assumed the worst.
And yeah...I know that's about her. Really I do. But I have learned to keep my guard up and her at arm's length. So, of course she pursues when she's around me. It's just like being a WAS I think. The only thing is I'd like to settle it, but she wants no part of taking responsibility for her behavior or part in our relationship. I am DREADING seeing her...but it's really only for a few hours, and my brother and his family will be there, and wine...and my husband doesn't really understand it, but he supports me.
I am actually a really good liar...I had to be living in that house.
I'm rambling now. I haven't actually spoken to my parents since Christmas...of course, they haven't called either. But I'm getting the blame for it as she tells all of my family what an awful daughter I am. Maybe I am...but I don't really care.
So tonight, I completely understand the WAS, just in a different context.
Ah well. I'll keep working on me.
Kiddos, I'll be gone for the next 11-days. It's a long weekend in my hometown, then H and I are going to Rocky Mountain National Park for a week. I am SO looking forward to hiking and getting grounded and spending some good time with H.
Jen & Rob, thanks so much for keeping up with me. Some days I feel like I need a remedial course!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
