I think that these things usually follow a pretty predictable pattern. At least thats what Ive noticed. Text messaging, and email, it all gives the A a nice dark little place to hide and thrive.
I havent talked to him for a little over a week, besides sending him naughty text messages when Ive had too much to drink! I was thinking today about how strange it is that hes not here anymore. Its really odd to not have his truck outside, not have his clothes in the laundry, not be cooking for him, in fact I think Ive only cooked one meal in 3 weeks or so! I know that I have the advantage, and their relationship is probably doomed for failure, but how much is going to be destroyed while we wait?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
to my beautiful H, I want to tell you that I know how I could have been a better wife. I know that I should have seen what you were trying to tell me. I know that when you seemed insecure it was because I didnt make you feel special, I wanted to, I just wasnt sure how to do it in a way that was meaningful to you. You are so special to me, you have a place in my soul that wont ever quite be occupied again.
I want to tell you that I will be responsible for letting myself drift away from you, I should have told you that I needed you to hold my hand. When I asked you to do that I should have told you that I needed it, not just that I wanted it. I can look back on things that you did, and I see them as you reaching out to me, Im sorry I didnt see then. I wish that I could have made the small amount of time that we did have together more meaningful, I wish that you had told me that it wasnt. I really feel like we both have had broken hearts in this relationship. I wish that we were honest enough to have spoken up before you felt like you needed someone else.
I wish that I had made you, us, a priority. Its funny how when things arent going well, you consume me. Too bad we couldnt have given our marriage even half that time before.
I will miss you for a long, long time H. I will love you for just as long. I have lost more than you today, I lost such a deep trust, no one should have to feel this part of them die. I want you to know that I want you to be so happy. I want to be the woman that makes you happy, and I want you to be the man who makes me happy. I do not believe that you will find happiness the way you are seeking it, but I know that you must travel this road on your own.
I hope that one day you will come home, I have seen it in my mind a thousand times. I want so much to hold you and tell you all of these things. I hope that one day you can look ahead to a life that is honest and a marriage that you can be proud of. I hope that one day you turn around, and I hope that Im there. Im greatful for the time that I did get to have you in my life, I will be forever changed because of the time we had, hopefully eventually I can remember our long happy past more clearly than then the recent pain we have been through.
I miss you.
Just journaling. I dont think that Ill really send this.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I know its hard but you have to go dark. Dont send him text messages, let him text you unless its something important. You need to let him have his little fun and work on yourself. the more you message him or call him the more it is going to keep him away. Trust me thats one thing i learned. I wrote my H a 3 page letter explaining where we went wrong and basically taking the blame even though it wasnt. in the beginning i would call him and text him constantly when he was with her. if he wasnt home by a certain time i would call him crying and begging. Once I got the book Divorce Busting and read it, i stopped. If you havent read the book, you should. It really has helped me. By begging and pleading and texting them and calling them it just pushes them away further. You have to let them come to you and want to talk to you. I know thats hard because i sit here and pray that he will message me but he doesnt. You can write him a note but dont sound desperate. Just a note to say how are things going with you or something. For me I choose not to do this at all, i choose to wait for him to talk to me because then i know hes thinking of me. However mine doesnt text me to see how im doing...which is fine.
You have to be strong for yourself and work on yourself...let God do his thing. God has a plan for all of us. I just found a website last night and was reading the FAQ's section and it has brightened my eyes...you should check out rejoiceministries.org
please keep us posted. like i said before if you havent already read divorce busting you should!
Hi BR~ Just checking in to see how you are doing. I'm glad you went out and had fun...and looked hot!! It always makes me feel good to get dressed up and go out (the best thing is to put on a great bra from vicki's...victoria's secret...and hooker heels)My friend I met on here, Mike, would always laugh at me, because I'd say, it's time to dig out the heels n the vicki's...he knew that meant trouble!!!
As hard as it is for you to do, let God take care of the OW. Take the high road. Believe me, my H has OW, and I want nothing more than to call and tell her where to go and how to get there...but I know that will just get him more upset with me and that is not what I want, and it would just show him more reasons not to come back....as Cindy above said...Let go and Let God...
I am not sure if you have heard the serenity prayer that is used in alcoholic's anonymous but I say it a lot, it's just a GREAT prayer!....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
I subscribe to rejoiceministries.org...they are awesome, and so isn't joelosteen.com...both lift you up when you're down...and give you courage to keep standing for your M.
take care of yourself. good luck with your motorcycle riding...I think that is awesome! biker chicks rock! ((BR)) christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Hi guys, yeah, Im on the rejoice ministries mailing list. I really like the emails, they seem to show up when I need them most! And I read the books, rereading them, and I found some new ones too. I dont text him often, just when Im feeling fiesty, and like making a bad choice, maybe 3 times in the last month. I know I shouldnt. Ive written him a few letters, I take them to the beach and burn them, I gave him one when this whole things started to go down. But Im not begging him anymore, I know that doesnt work, and it makes me feel bad about myself.
Ive been feeling pretty good about myself lately, going out and being gawked at helped a little too. But part of that is, and this just sucks, I havent wanted to ML this much in YEARS!! And I dont have any real outlet! **$#(!#*!#($AE@# grrr. Boy If he came home right now! I'd have something to give him alright. I feel like a 17 year old boy!
I crashed my motorcycle today, well, fell over on it more, I was trying to down shift from 2nd gear to 1st and turn and the shifter fell off under my foot, then I ran off the pavement. I guess I couldnt steer and figure out what the hell just happened underneath my foot. Its a lot to pay attention to! And its a whole lot more physical than I ever thought it would be. But its a freaking blast! Even though I was the only one to crash, it was okay, just a little embarrassing, but everyone else was messing up too, just not as bad as me! And, as far as Im concerned it was equipment failure, not me! Im sticking to that story anyway... (((Christa and Cindy)))
Last edited by bluerain; 07/16/0801:03 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
ARRGG!!! I just got a $300 electric bill, it hasnt been paid since May. I tried calling H, but he wont answer. Why is he treating my like Ive done something wrong. I know all about going dark, but this is serious, I dont have the money to pay it. Why is he acting like hes mad at me, I havent spoken to him in weeks, I am so frustrated right now. Him ignoring my phone calls hurts so much.
Hes the one who said he wanted to always be my friend, and Hes the one who said he ILYBINILWY, if he has any feelings at all I dont understand why hes treating me this way, I wasnt going to ask him to come home, I just wanted to not get my lights shut off, I cant believe this. Why do I feel like Im being punished?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Hello Bluerain.... I am new here and have not read alot on your situation...but i stumbled upon your letter on the 15th to your hubby..not sure if you sent it.
I sat here and cried because that letter is my feelings written on paper.
sandy and, I didnt send it, I might take it to the beach and burn it, Ive written him lots of letters, I think it helps. But if he ever comes home I might let him see it.
Cindy, Some pretty strange things have been happening lately. Im not really sure what exactly is going on, but luckily I have been much, much too busy to stress about it. I have it posted in a thread called "Im done". Its funny how the most effective thing I did in the fight for my marriage was to stop fighting, to absolutely stop trying. I know thats what everyone said, but I didnt beleive it.
