WAW is full steam ahead

[Neilh23]

Chris-
I hope today is a better tuesday for you........

I know how you are feeling. It sux. Almost as if you weren't good enough. Well, you are. Believe it. The house thing...... you are going to need to deal with. Think of it this way..... it can be a new beginning, as long as you aren't consumed by your fear and whatnot. Remember, you are going to be ok. Keep praying. I think i mentioned the serenity prayer? It's a good one to keep in mind..

as for "backstreets"...... i love that song. I listen to his live stuff all the time, bootlegs mostly, and during the Darkness on the Edge of Town tour, when he does Backstreets, he does this interlude with two songs..."sad eyes" or "drive all night".......if you can figure out a way to download a version from 1978......listen to it. Powerful. Fits our sitchs soo well.

oh yeah. I'm not in PA, but really close. about 40 miles north of Erie

Good luck

[LosingSunshine]

Thanks Neil. It is still early so who knows. I am 3 out 4 for bad Tuesdays since the sitch began and am hoping that today will be different but W is meeting with L today to talk about the mediation option. Who knows...

Several years ago, I used to hang out with a guy, Floody. A fun Irish Catholic boy from Scranton that really got me into Springsteen. We used to hang out at this dive bar outside of DC and drink beers and shoot pool prior to playing the strip of bars. He was sort of my older brother given our age difference. Unfortunately, the jukebox only had the one Springsteen CD and I spent a small fortune everyweek keeping it playing in the bar. Good tunes for shooting pool.

My W is also big into Springsteen (he really speaks to her). She's from north central PA and can really empathize with the meaning behind a lot of his songs. Of course, over the years, as I stopped the poolhall/bar thing and spent more time with her, my listening to Springsteen faded as well to the point where she told me that I pulled one over on her. That I never really liked him. WTF? Maybe one of these days I'll pull out my old cd's and play them while I am cooking in the kitchen, if she's around. Hmmm.

So I have just finished week 4 of this and beginning week 5. Happy anniversary to me, and I will be out celebrating tonight as the W will be spending time with the kids today and tomorrow evening. I am still some shade in the dark spectrum as I feel I have no ability to communicate with the W outside of kid stuff and I really want her and myself to have the space we need at this critical time. I am working hard to not come across as pouting or sulking and trying to be as upbeat and cheerful as possible. The big problem I have to deal with now is that W doesn't want us to do anything together with the kids, not even dinner. I might try to cross this boundary to see what happens, but not this week. Still going to work on acts of service to see what happens.

W was actually pleasant this morning with some small chat about the kids. Nothing about the small act of service I did yesterday (steaming her shirts) which was nice. I don't want her to feel that it was a pursuing action and would rather her not say anything about it, just be nice and pleasant.

I don't know what time she came home last night as I pooped out around 1130 or so. It's amazing to me, someone that had been going to be at 930/1000 for so long has the energy to have kept this up for the past month. I guess the euphoria of having her independence and experiencing new things is keeping her going. At some point, she has to realize that she's not 24 anymore. Maybe that will happen when she is in her own place, with true independence yet the responsibility of being a mom too. Of course by then, the D will be finalized or near finalization.

I figure I have another 60 to 90 days of more DBing until then, and after that, will need to craft a letter basically saying that I love you unconditionally and am here for you regardless that our M is dissolved. We have the connection to each other through our kids and the D should by no means be viewed as the final nail in the coffin of our R blah blah blah. As I get nearer to the date, I actually write something and post it hear for suggestions/advice.

I think in about a year or so, knowing my W, she will be in major financial difficulty and I don't know how she will cope. I say this because she came to the M with a large amount of CC debt that I paid off, that she had accumulated through her independent lifestyle. Since our R began, she managed to accumulate between 4 and 6k a year in CC charges on small crap that I would pay off. So, I figure a year into any D, she would have chewed through any house payout and potentially will have racked up some sizable CC debt. Just worrying and thinking about how that will impact the kids.

I am rather surprised that I have yet to have a pity party about the sitch and my friends have been waiting for me to have one. I guess some of the issues we had with passion and SSM, among others have really allowed me to detach with some level of ease. It's not that I don't care about her because I do love her unconditionally and am hopeful that one day, all of this can be water under the bridge. Just keeping focus on me and the kids every day, taking one step forward and hopefully not two steps back.

Chris

[Neilh23]

amazing that he speaks to her because so many of his songs talk about having faith and hope....LOL...oh well.

you have some good ideas and good plans going here. I would hesitate with the letter thing......i did the same thing...left a CD too when i moved....didn't quite have the effect i wanted. LOL.......Like it was with the letter i posted on my last thread...it might be great for you, but not for her. Might even go over wrong. Gauge your sitch when it happens......

One thing that i've learned is to not look for her to acknowledge outright some of your 'acts of service'...just do them. know she appreciates them, regardless. Act as if...

the 24 thing....my W has been hit by that, i think. her life has changed drastically, and i believe its starting to sink in. Hence, why she needed the space. LOL....i still have a long way to go tho.

keep it up......Act as if.... stay strong for your kids. and its' ok to have a pity party........... once in awhile...just don't dwell on it too much

[The Wifey]

Losing Sunshine,

I am glad you are DB'ing. Its so hard to have as good an attitude as you are having. Its really inspiring.

[Scott123]

LS,

I think one of the reasons your W is detaching from spending
time with you and even the kids is because it makes her
feel guilty. I noticed that with my W.

Fueled by emotion and clouded thinking will make her do
stuff that is totally unlike her.

I know what you mean about worry too. I worry so much for
my W especially with the gambling, the kids etc. Funny, I
also wrote a letter. It includes a lot of stuff that
has been left unsaid in our relationship. Not pleading, but
just validating, talking, opening up etc. I'm like you. I'm
on the fence about it. I know you definitely don't want to
give her anything when she is angry because it will just
push her away.

I wish I had more to say to help you.

- Scott

[LosingSunshine]

Thanks (((Wifey))).

I too am glad that I am DB'ing and very appreciative of the fact that I found the DR book and this site within a day or two of the bomb drop. Moreso, I am appreciative of all of the support from this community and am forever indebted to all of you.

I must admit though, I still feel like I am in limbo with the various techniques as it has been one fine tight rope to walk. I do think I am hitting a stride with what I am doing. Not sure if it's working but I am not having any backslides at this point.

The process though is frustrating and is by far the most challenging I have ever dealt with. I keep focus on the fact that behind both doors awaits happiness for me, as happiness is already within me and will be with me regardless if we get a D or work things out. I know this. My W hopes that happiness comes after D and feels that there is no happiness to be found in M. She doesn't truly understand that happiness is here in the present, with what you have and what you make of it.

I think on my first thread I posted a quote by DH Lawerence about the search for happiness and how it ends in nothingness because you never realize that you had it all along. People confuse happiness with pleasure but pleasure is transient.

Even my Ws "dear friend/OW??" when we last chatted talked about how happy her life is because her and her partner (at the time??) were able to do x,y,z. Well, all of those things that she thought were bringing her happiness were actually hedonistic/pleasurable activities, materialistic things. The happiness/euphoria that is experienced by purchasing or partaking in the activities is short-lived and must be done over and over again in order to maintain the sensation. Once that cycle takes a down turn then the emptiness and lonliness awaits.

I spent some time several weeks ago reflecting on all of this and how unhappy I had allowed myself to become and how it affected my M. First, I always compared my success to those around me. I was never happy with what I have achieved. That has changed, among many others. And to think, I learned a lot of this from a $3.99 book that my daughter grabbed at TJ Maxx about 2 months before the sitch happened (of course, I didn't read it until after the sithc, D'oh!).

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Neil,

Thanks for the words of confidence. It's nice that others are taking an interest in my sitch and are helping with the support that I need.

With regards to the W and Springsteen...I don't think he's going to be in her CD player anytime soon as it's been pretty much Sarah McGlaughlin (sp??), Neil Diamond, KD Lang etc...lately. Don't really know how many in her current circle appreciate what his music is about.

I was thinking that the letter would be for the day before/after any D was finalized. Three copies. One for her and one for each kid for them to read when they get older. Basically, running down the laundry list of things and ending with the door is open if you choose to change your mind, even post D. Almost like the LLLLRT.

Chris

[smartcookie]

Wishing you a happy Tuesday. I used to hate Saturdays.

[LosingSunshine]

Scott,

I think you are right when you said

"I think one of the reasons your W is detaching from spending
time with you and even the kids is because it makes her
feel guilty. I noticed that with my W."

I can't imagine how much guilt and confusion she must be feeling and I know that myself being calm, cool and collected has only added to the confusion as she was expecting me to be angry, combative, heavily pursuing etc. And I think it's only going to intensify as the reality of some of this starts sinking in.

Also, my C said yesterday that the constant bringing up of her need for independence/separateness is a sign that she is still confused/struggling with the decision. That's good for me in some ways, I guess but it just makes the sitch all that more difficult to manage at the same time.

Sometimes I just want to scream "SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY" but what good will that do.

C also brought up the parable of the prodigal son. Something to think about I guess. We are the father and are W is the wayward child. Eventually they realize what they have done and come back for foregiveness. If we truly have unconditional love for our Ws and choose to maintain that love, then we know what happens next.

He also brought up Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years...didn't get the point of that but okay.

Thanks again and hope you all are having a good day.

Chris

[Neilh23]

that's pretty interesting what your C said. just don't act like it...LOL....that definitly would not go over well.

I want to scream that at her daily. Won't do any good. they need to figure this out on their own. I believe my W is starting to see things a bit more clearly now....give her space....it'll help.