It sounds as if you have answered your own question. She is getting everything she wants or pretty much everything she wants. I would tell her to do the no contact agreement with other man and if she refuses or slips and fails to tell you then you will be filing and the girls will be staying with you. They need a good example.(Do NOT give in on this).
You need to be prepared for the worse and not to waiver even the least in the consequences of her actions. Hon, you need to take control of this situation.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
H4H, read your "this is how it might go" script -- YOU'RE PROJECTING. You've tried it YOUR way; why not try something different?
CALL THE QUESTION. At worst, you get her to say to you "I refuse to even TRY the best way to ensure I end it with him." At least you'll have CLARITY, and from where I sit (and where I've been), "clarity" it something we ALL need more of.
There's a world of difference between someone who refuses to end it, and someone who says they "can't." It's time to find out if your wife really is in the latter camp, or if she's just full of it.
Yep. You have done your way for a long time and even though she is listening to you, she is still seeing the OM....AND I can feel the anger turning up more and more inside of you. It is time to do something different before you get to the "I want her out NOW" and have no feelings left for your wife. Listen to what Puppy said. I like what he said about getting the CLARITY for yourself and pointing it out to her as well.
This is like an ultimatum to you and the idea that you have to do something to follow through is probably scary to you because you feel you may lose her. But, based upon what I said in the first paragraph, I really think you need to say it like Kat said. No more waiting and hoping and being nice. Get the clarity. If she choose x, then y will happen. Every action has a consequence. She needs to start feeling the consequence before she leaves the home and before you despise the even sight of her.
I just can't get myself to talk to her. I think about it, and the anger starts to build inside of me.
Last night when I go home, I took down the rest of any wedding photos that we had up. Over our piano by the entrance, we hung our Marriage Contract. We got this from a Gary Smalley seminar weekend we attended almost 2 years ago. We had decided to retry our marriage. I had begged and pleaded. After a couple of months, she agreed to maybe give a year.
I only got about 7 months.
After a family dinner, we read the Marriage Contract to our children, we then signed it a and had all of our kids sign it. Even nephew signed it. I had it framed and hung it over our piano, and placed a statue of a man and woman hugging. I forget the name of the sculptor. I have given her several figures of mother, mother and children. From the Christian store.
I put that away in our closet and another set of a collage of photos.
Hard not to notice the Contract missing. She never said anything. I fixed dinner and she got home. We sat down to eat as a family again. This time S14 said grace and prayer. We always hold hands. Quiet night. I answered a few things, but did not really initiate conversation. I notice she is charging her secret phone where charge all of our phones. Is she flaunting it in front of me. We were nice to each other. She told me goodnight at bedtime.
This morning, she tells me good morning and I respond. While in the bathroom getting ready together, I ask her what she wants for dinner. She tells me what she was thinking of having. I listen. Thats all. I make my coffee and make one for her. She leaves before me and tells me to have a good day. I tell her to do the same.
Heading into town(we live in a rural area), I see the local utility service out servicing the electrical lines. About 7 or 8 trucks. They are there nearly everyday. For the last 3 months or so.
That is who OM works for. It triggers something in me every morning. I wonder what it triggers for her. She probably takes it as a sign. Everyday I pass them, I want to blow the trucks up. My anger builds.
I will try a last ditch effort this weekend. We both work on Saturday. I'll have the kids spend the night at grandma's again. I will tell roomie not to make plans that evening. Tell her we need to talk. All night if we have to. At the very least to make plans for her move. What needs to be done. What she needs to do. I will ask her again and call her on my request.
If I can make it that far.
If I want her to talk, I have to stop being so dark with her. I know she knows what I am feeling. She would have said something like, "I guess we are not talking to each other anymore" or "I guess we can't even be friends anymore." What she usually says after we fight and I go quiet on her. She knows what she has said to me.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Friends don't have secret affair phones, and then charge them in front of their friend.
Friends don't unilaterally take down something as special as a wedding contract.
And people with good boundary-enforcement skills don't allow either.
Puppy
It would seem as though we are done, huh Puppy.
Right now I am just filled with a sadness. It's like I am just watching my life spiral down in flames and unable to stop it.
I just remembered something Joel Osteen said on Sunday. How sometimes things seem to be the hardest or like the fire is burning its hottest, just before the good happens. Is that my sitch? I feel so beat. Things seem so close to the end.
Am I the one F'ing it up? I feel so confused. Is it me? I'M the one that got us here?
HOW CAN I LET THIS HAPPEN?!
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
You are not necessarily "done." I had to go so far as to file D on my wife, and we would have BOTH told you we were "done" at this very time last year, but today we are together and doing well and are each other's best friends again.
I'm just trying to get you to -- for your own sanity and self-respect -- INSIST UPON YOUR BOUNDARIES from your wife. Her behavior is killing your self-esteem, and you will need to be a stronger, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" man moving forward, regardless of whether it's with her or with someone else.
The strong, "leading" behaviors I advocate also have the secondary benefit of making you MORE ATTRACTIVE to your wayward spouse (although that's not who we're primarily doing it for).
You are NOT the one who is responsible for your wife's selfish decision to try to end her marriage, but you ARE responsible for how you react to it.
I suggest that you start by asking your wife what she did with your marriage contract, and insist that she return it. "It belongs to me as well as you, and this is still my home. I'd appreciate it if you didn't take down things that don't belong to just you."
