I think it's important to look at the betrayed spouse's primary style BEFORE their wayward spouse's affair. If it was honestly "controlling," then I think a softer hand is needed now. However, if it has always been placating/pleasing/rescuing behavior, then I think a more LEADING style is needed now.
And note the highlighted word above. "Controlling" is very often just "affairspeak" and can be roughly translated as "I don't like it when you don't give me my space in which to conduct my affair, and I don't like it when you object to my having one."
Whether Mules' wife ever had an EA or a PA with the neighbor, I think the rules still apply -- he should use the more leading style if his old style was possibly too "Mr. Nice Guy"; he should back off more if his old style was LEGITIMATELY too "controlling."
