I'm a mess this morning.

He's just moving further and further away. Yesterday I tried touching him a bit and getting him to engage in conversation about his life as a teenager over dinner - kids were there, I thought it would be a safe time. He was really resistant.

This morning, we both woke up around 5 because the dogs barked. He asked me what time it was, I told him, and he closed his eyes to go back to sleep. I just stared at the ceiling with tears rolling down my face and when I turned to look at him, he was looking at me. There was some sort of expression on his face, but who knows what it meant. I knew I was just going to keep crying, so I got out of bed and went into the living room and just sobbed for a while. When I calmed down a bit, I went for my usual morning walk and managed not to cry during that, although I'm crying again now.

Okay, H just walked into the office looking smiley, like nothing happened, to tell me that the dog threw up on the floor. After I cleaned it up, we were looking at the schedule for this weekend's baseball tournament and he pulled his chair up right behind mine and leaned into me a bit. Then we turned to look at his computer for another event next weekend, and he put his hand on my leg. WTF?!?!?

I had just been outside moving the hose (watering the garden in chunks) and while there, felt myself accepting that he was leaving. It was horrible and didn't last long (what does, these days), but it was just reality.

Now I have no idea what to think again. He's off to the store to get cigs (started smoking again a few months ago \:\( ) and looks like he'll be spending the first part of the morning at home working in the yard. (We're in the middle of a big back yard reno)

I think I'd better get down to getting through 30 minutes at a time - or maybe 15. THIS IS SO HARD!!!!