WAW is full steam ahead

[LosingSunshine]

Thanks Neil. It is still early so who knows. I am 3 out 4 for bad Tuesdays since the sitch began and am hoping that today will be different but W is meeting with L today to talk about the mediation option. Who knows...

Several years ago, I used to hang out with a guy, Floody. A fun Irish Catholic boy from Scranton that really got me into Springsteen. We used to hang out at this dive bar outside of DC and drink beers and shoot pool prior to playing the strip of bars. He was sort of my older brother given our age difference. Unfortunately, the jukebox only had the one Springsteen CD and I spent a small fortune everyweek keeping it playing in the bar. Good tunes for shooting pool.

My W is also big into Springsteen (he really speaks to her). She's from north central PA and can really empathize with the meaning behind a lot of his songs. Of course, over the years, as I stopped the poolhall/bar thing and spent more time with her, my listening to Springsteen faded as well to the point where she told me that I pulled one over on her. That I never really liked him. WTF? Maybe one of these days I'll pull out my old cd's and play them while I am cooking in the kitchen, if she's around. Hmmm.

So I have just finished week 4 of this and beginning week 5. Happy anniversary to me, and I will be out celebrating tonight as the W will be spending time with the kids today and tomorrow evening. I am still some shade in the dark spectrum as I feel I have no ability to communicate with the W outside of kid stuff and I really want her and myself to have the space we need at this critical time. I am working hard to not come across as pouting or sulking and trying to be as upbeat and cheerful as possible. The big problem I have to deal with now is that W doesn't want us to do anything together with the kids, not even dinner. I might try to cross this boundary to see what happens, but not this week. Still going to work on acts of service to see what happens.

W was actually pleasant this morning with some small chat about the kids. Nothing about the small act of service I did yesterday (steaming her shirts) which was nice. I don't want her to feel that it was a pursuing action and would rather her not say anything about it, just be nice and pleasant.

I don't know what time she came home last night as I pooped out around 1130 or so. It's amazing to me, someone that had been going to be at 930/1000 for so long has the energy to have kept this up for the past month. I guess the euphoria of having her independence and experiencing new things is keeping her going. At some point, she has to realize that she's not 24 anymore. Maybe that will happen when she is in her own place, with true independence yet the responsibility of being a mom too. Of course by then, the D will be finalized or near finalization.

I figure I have another 60 to 90 days of more DBing until then, and after that, will need to craft a letter basically saying that I love you unconditionally and am here for you regardless that our M is dissolved. We have the connection to each other through our kids and the D should by no means be viewed as the final nail in the coffin of our R blah blah blah. As I get nearer to the date, I actually write something and post it hear for suggestions/advice.

I think in about a year or so, knowing my W, she will be in major financial difficulty and I don't know how she will cope. I say this because she came to the M with a large amount of CC debt that I paid off, that she had accumulated through her independent lifestyle. Since our R began, she managed to accumulate between 4 and 6k a year in CC charges on small crap that I would pay off. So, I figure a year into any D, she would have chewed through any house payout and potentially will have racked up some sizable CC debt. Just worrying and thinking about how that will impact the kids.

I am rather surprised that I have yet to have a pity party about the sitch and my friends have been waiting for me to have one. I guess some of the issues we had with passion and SSM, among others have really allowed me to detach with some level of ease. It's not that I don't care about her because I do love her unconditionally and am hopeful that one day, all of this can be water under the bridge. Just keeping focus on me and the kids every day, taking one step forward and hopefully not two steps back.

Chris