Dawn, I just found your thread and I want you know that you are really not alone in your story. My H is also having an EA on Second Life... About 6 weeks ago I used his laptop and saw a strange e-mail account I had never seen before and this is how I discovered the first EA (yes, he's on his second now). I read two e-mails and ran to him and confronted him in rage. He immediately said "I think we should separate. I've been thinking about it for a while but I couldn't get up the courage to ask you." And that was that.
For about two months or so prior to that he was online in this game way more than usual and I used to joke with him about it, mostly because I was worried in a way, and it was keeping him from coming to bed. He would fall asleep online, or just be up really late online and I was getting worried about it. He also had surgery during this time and was off from work for two weeks, giving him more time to be online, plus during his recovery he would sleep/nap during the day and then be up at weird hours, likely online. I just shrugged it off as recovery, but now I think he was sinking into a male depression and this fantasy world fed something in him. He couldn't do any physically -- like play golf or work -- so he was on his butt on the couch and the computer was his only outlet, no matter how many times I encouraged him to just sit outside for some fresh air, or come out with my D and I...
So he had an EA with one woman, met her, but I don't think it was a "love" thing; then I noticed through recent snooping that he's off of her and on to another woman who lives across the country (thank God for that).
I also agree that my H is acting like a love-sick teen -- this woman (who is 15 years older than him with a grown daughter and, BTW, married!) is sending him love poems she wrote and *kisses* and all this other sappy New Age mumbo jumbo and wants to send him golf clubs to try out (her dad was a golf pro, apparently, and my husband is a golf nut -- how perfect!). The whole think is sooooo HIGH SCHOOL -- she has e-mailed him "chat" conversations that she's had with the woman who was his first "EA" -- it's like Second Life gossip in their stupid incestuous community of ridiculous people who have no REAL LIVES so they spend it in this stupid virutal cartoon world.
I'm fed up with the whole thing and so sad about it at the same time. I love my H... He never communicated to me that he was so unhappy. Some of the reasons he gave me were valid, and I can change and are making changes as I go through this Limboland, but some were just excuses. I'm am DB-ing to the best of my ability, but I am also an introvert for the most part, so the GAL part has been a little difficult. Plus I am basically a SAHM for my D, so I don't have a work life to fall back on right now...
Like you, my H still lives at home -- in our basement family room. But he will interact with my D and I, and is pleasant to me when I am kind and act happy. He even bought a video game system recently that I said I wanted (and know he probably wanted) and plays the games with my D and I. I think (and hope) that right now he is torn between reality and fantasy. I also think he is pressured by the realness of reality, such as having a family and a house and a job and all the responsibilities that comes with those. He is also drinking more, and started smoking cigarettes again after quitting before we were married. He is definitely stressed and suffering, and has some form of depression and a MLC.
He has admitted that Second Life is an "escape" for him. I do think he's addicted to the escape. And he repeatedly said early on in this that he just wants to be "alone." Again, he wants to escape. I'm currently giving him his freedom, not pressuring, and I think he's respecting me more for that. But he still retires to his basement "lair" each night after my D goes to bed, leaving me alone upstairs -- which is the hardest part.
I just don't know how long I can go on this way. I miss him terribly, and I still love him so, and I want my family intact. I am holding on for dear life and hoping that I can make it through this and come out the other end with a success story.
But Second Life is evil. Hate it. I hope someone exposes it for what it really is and people stop touting its benefits. I know now we had problems that made him vulnerable in Second Life, but I do think that it made it "easy" for him to cheat. And I really hate it for that.
So that's my long and involved story -- you can follow my thread "Dealing with a Depressed Husband" in "Newcomers"...
Good luck! You are not alone!
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
