Hope4us struggle, part 7

[Hope4us]

Another good night in the H4U household. So why do I feel so sad?

Yesterday afternoon W started IM'ing me and we talked that way for quite a while. More good stuff for the relationship. When we got home she picked up right where we left off with the IM's. I ended the IM's before she was ready to quit talking telling her I had to get some work done, so that was a good DB moment for me. And last night when I got home she started talking and I let her go for a bit and then said "I'm going to go mow the yard" and did that and trimming, etc for probably an hour and a half. When I came in she started talking again, more and more.

So why sad? When I was mowing I just had this overall sense of the waste of this all come over me. I started crying. I'm glad our yard is big enough with enough bushes that the neighbors couldn't see me. And then just as I was finishing up our neighbor came over to invite us to an open house for he and his wife's 60th wedding anniversary. Man, that hit me hard. 60 years. I've fantasized about having a marriage that long. My parents were married over 50 years before dad died, and I saw that in my future. Now I'm not so sure.

So when I was done we talked and talked and then W had to watch another addition of that stupid "The Bachelor, where are they now" show and I sat down and read my book before going to bed.

This morning W was pretty upbeat when I talked to her. Didn't talk much, but just some convo about the dog going outside before I left, etc. And I'm still in a sad mood.

I know I shouldn't be. I seem to be in the place where many others here would kill to be, but it's still hard. I'll snap out of it, I always do, but it's just hard.

Thanks for listening.