H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

[happycamper]

If you are keeping his 20+ affairs secret from your family and his, I really hope that this is NOT the reason he is giving people for your split, correct? I hope that you guys will come up with something that at least alludes to the truth that doesn't hurt your family or EITHER of you.

No, we've not really given any reason apart from to say it is personal and it wouldn't be helpful for anyone to lay all of our stuff out for everyone to see.

[happycamper]

Keeping the details mostly to yourselves allows everyone to the opportunity to behave with dignity. Think of it as a gift to your children - it's very hard for kids to accept themselves without a positive view of their parents.

Thanks so much for that, really needed to hear that.

We have told our parents now and the children. The children have taken it as well as we might have hoped, they have benefitted very much from the fact that mummy and daddy are friends and are supporting each other through this.

Our parents have been awful. Angry, confrontational, judgemental. I have never known stress like it. Dealing with the split seems nothing compared to the wrath we have faced from them. His mum accused both of us of being very inconsiderate and uncaring in the way we have communicated with them. Little do they know the lengths I am going through to protect them all from the hurt and shock of the truth.

H is very focused and doesn't care as much - he says it is all about the children first and then us second. Everyone else comes third. The children are doing ok and for him that is the main thing.

I can't believe his family could be so cruel. We have told them that this is a joint decision which we both agree is the best for us (absolutely, 100% true) and they all blame H... for what? We're not sure.

I'm keeping all the stuff to myself, mainly for my MIL, still their R with H looks to be on the rocks. My counsellor was right - people think what you want them to think regardless of what you tell them.

I'm so tired.

[happycamper]

Please someone tell me this stage doesn't last forever, because right now it feels like when you are in labour... you know when near the end you just say to everyone 'I can't do this anymore'. I feel like I can't go on today...

[saffie]

Please someone tell me this stage doesn't last forever, because right now it feels like when you are in labour... you know when near the end you just say to everyone 'I can't do this anymore'. I feel like I can't go on today...

That stage is called 'transition' which is very apt don't you think? That's exactly what you are going through now and that time varies for all of us. It will get better.

[cat03]

no honey, it won't be like this forever)))))))))))))))))) you will be stronger and happier, I promise, God is good, he will help you heal and you will go on. This is the hardest part, as your brain/heart are TRYING to accept what it is / will be, for years you have had this pict of how your life ought to be, now new paths will need to be forged and this is hard, none of us planned for the floor to drop from under our feet.
Acceptance is the hardest part, I think it took me a few months to totally accept what has happened, that stbx isnt' the man I married, that my life could and would be a happy one without him, that I could live above and beyond the hurt.

Weird how his family blames him, but you know what? maybe they suspect or know something, well, he is reaping what he sow. The last thing you needed was more grief, I'm surprised how awful your IL's have been, being angry about how they feel about this, yea, that sure helps things! jeez!

You are amazing and I thank God for your good heart about not unmasking him to his parents even as they give you a hard time, he doesnt' deserve that but in the eyes of God youve' done the right thing. My poor MIL is just heartbroken, as she sees her son destroy anything good in his life, disregarding her feelings and just dragging her along his destructive rollercoaster, she is in poor health and this does not help. Bless your heart. You will do great HP)))))))))))))))

[karen43]

Please someone tell me this stage doesn't last forever, because right now it feels like when you are in labour... you know when near the end you just say to everyone 'I can't do this anymore'. I feel like I can't go on today...

OK, this stage doesn't last forever. On a scale of happiness, 10 being really happy I was about a -1 7 months ago when I first came here. It took me prob. about 5 months to get in a mostly good place. I would say I am actually happier than I have been in years. I think I'd rate my happiness on a 8 or 9 now most days. So yeah, I think it's a stage, a process, whatever you want to call it. So if you can just make it a little bit longer....there is def. light at the end. Karen

[happycamper]

Saffie - if ever there was a genius post...

Karen, thanks for your encouragement, I'll just have to take things one day at a time.

Cat - I really need to hear that we are going about this the right way at the moment so thanks for sharing your experiences. I do believe that it is right to protect stbx's dignity and his Rs with all concerned.

Took the children to tea with the ILs today - was absolutely dreading it, but nothing really was said. Still no 'how are you?' or anything like that...

[iamlost]

Our parents have been awful. Angry, confrontational, judgemental. I have never known stress like it. Dealing with the split seems nothing compared to the wrath we have faced from them. His mum accused both of us of being very inconsiderate and uncaring in the way we have communicated with them. Little do they know the lengths I am going through to protect them all from the hurt and shock of the truth.

I can't believe his family could be so cruel. We have told them that this is a joint decision which we both agree is the best for us (absolutely, 100% true) and they all blame H... for what? We're not sure.

I completely understand how you feel. But I can also understand, if they don't have a single clue as to the truth, that they would naturally assume that you guys are making a selfish decision, because they have no idea of the pain or problems in your relationship.

Have you said something like that to them--"We're trying to protect you and our children from the pain of what we have gone through, so just please trust that this decision is not made lightly in any way, in fact this is the hardest thing we've ever dealt with. We are hurting and very much need your support."?

Their anger at your H sounds like intuition. Do they have any clue that your husband was abused?

[happycamper]

I completely understand how you feel. But I can also understand, if they don't have a single clue as to the truth, that they would naturally assume that you guys are making a selfish decision, because they have no idea of the pain or problems in your relationship.

I completely get that. I think we are just going to have to ride it out. It looks like one day, out of the blue, we just thought 'we don't want to do this anymore...'. Maybe for them the only thing that makes sense is an A, as that would call an abrupt halt to a R. Thing is, even if H was seeing someone else at the moment, that wouldn't be the reason. The reason is H's issues.

Have you said something like that to them--"We're trying to protect you and our children from the pain of what we have gone through, so just please trust that this decision is not made lightly in any way, in fact this is the hardest thing we've ever dealt with. We are hurting and very much need your support."?

I've said this to my parents, but then they have come round quite fast, probably because they have actually let me talk to them. I've still not given them loads of details, but they know how we are feeling about the whole thing.

PILs just haven't given us a chance. Anything we say was just thrown out the window. When I said about the support I had put in place to help the children, MIL just rubbished it and said that they would be devastated. They just want us to be the bad guys and any good we're doing is void.

Their anger at your H sounds like intuition. Do they have any clue that your husband was abused?

Nope, none. They don't know anything about him. They think the worst he could do is have an affair. Not multiple affairs, multiple one-night stands, sex addiction (even H is coming round to that), group sex, S&M clubs, threesomes with married couples in specialist 'clubs', coke habit, sex for money with his dealer, dominatrix sessions, internet chat rooms, phone sex with strangers, and over £20000 debts!

But you guys know, and that helps me

[saffie]

happycamper......I haven't read your thread completely......you have gone and got yourself checked out haven't you? Goodness only knows what your H could have given you by way of STD.