I've often worried that buying in too heavily to the MLC 'time-line' is potentially dangerous for our recovery. I'm not even sure I buy into the MLC thing. We all go through changes in our lives - but not everyone leaves their spouse in order to go through those changes.
I'm not sure if it was me or ex who had the MLC or whatever it was but we separated in November 2004 and he had a new lover within 3 weeks. Maybe he had her before that - I don't know.
I started DBing in March 2005, last resorted, GALed and PMAed my heart out for 18 months or so and when he could see me getting on with my life - he got interested and started sniffing around again. He never seemed really ready to totally reconnect and I got to the stage that I realised I just had to finish the grieving and get over him.
It hurt, I didn't want to do it. It was easier to hold on to the hope that he might come back, but it wasn't healthy for me to live with my life on hold in some vein hope that he might metamophis into the man I married when I knew in reality that when people evolve they generally move on, not back.
Having said that - despite him getting married to his lover - I left town about 12 months ago to live and work with remote Aboriginal Communities in the Northern Territory of Australia which is similar work to that I was doing when we first got together and since I've been away he has confided in me that he made a mistake getting married and wishes we could have another chance. He says that if I give him the word he will leave his wife and reconcile with me.
Of course that gives me a good giggle, but there is no way I would ever enter into an agreement like that with him.
DBing taught me a lot about myself and what I'm prepared to tolerate. It also taught me that there is signficantly more to life than being in selfish, myopic relationships based on little more than co-dependence. I'm never going there again.
The thing is - this is not a dress rehersal. This is our life. There's no problem 'standing' if it means you are having a good and fulfilling life, making yourself available for every opportunity life throws your way - and if one of those opportunities is reconciliation with your spouse that's fantastic. I just don't think 'standing' still can ever be a good thing - for saving our marriage or saving ourselves.
You're right Peace - you will get clarity when the time is right. You'll know what to do when it happens.
All the best
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
