to my beautiful H,
I want to tell you that I know how I could have been a better wife. I know that I should have seen what you were trying to tell me. I know that when you seemed insecure it was because I didnt make you feel special, I wanted to, I just wasnt sure how to do it in a way that was meaningful to you. You are so special to me, you have a place in my soul that wont ever quite be occupied again.

I want to tell you that I will be responsible for letting myself drift away from you, I should have told you that I needed you to hold my hand. When I asked you to do that I should have told you that I needed it, not just that I wanted it. I can look back on things that you did, and I see them as you reaching out to me, Im sorry I didnt see then. I wish that I could have made the small amount of time that we did have together more meaningful, I wish that you had told me that it wasnt. I really feel like we both have had broken hearts in this relationship. I wish that we were honest enough to have spoken up before you felt like you needed someone else.

I wish that I had made you, us, a priority. Its funny how when things arent going well, you consume me. Too bad we couldnt have given our marriage even half that time before.

I will miss you for a long, long time H. I will love you for just as long. I have lost more than you today, I lost such a deep trust, no one should have to feel this part of them die. I want you to know that I want you to be so happy. I want to be the woman that makes you happy, and I want you to be the man who makes me happy. I do not believe that you will find happiness the way you are seeking it, but I know that you must travel this road on your own.

I hope that one day you will come home, I have seen it in my mind a thousand times. I want so much to hold you and tell you all of these things. I hope that one day you can look ahead to a life that is honest and a marriage that you can be proud of. I hope that one day you turn around, and I hope that Im there. Im greatful for the time that I did get to have you in my life, I will be forever changed because of the time we had, hopefully eventually I can remember our long happy past more clearly than then the recent pain we have been through.

I miss you.

Just journaling. I dont think that Ill really send this.

I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...