HELP - Wife Is Focused On Divorce For OM

[Scott123]

Ok guys, thanks for the advice and replies, but I think there
is some misunderstand here. It is hard to throw all this
into one little thread so thats probably partly why.

Let me try to clear a couple things up.

PAST - We separated in the past and we were headed for divorce
very fast. I changed around my profile online and just assumed
it was time to move on. I was posting some stuff like certain
songs about relationships and talking to people in a positive
way. I was GAL but kind of in the open. My wife was watching
what I was doing then. Once she saw that I was serious about
moving on and I was talking to a few girls she started to
pursue me and called me. She tried to get me jealous by
telling me a whole slew of stuff about how she did not
want to be in a relationship and how she was going to go out
and see younger guys because they make her feel hot and wanted
and how she just wanted to have sex and fun. She started going
into details and I just basically validated her and told her
if that's what will make her happy she should do it. I told her
I was just going to move on and I was even thinking about
moving out of state. She flipped. She started going more into
details about these guys and all kinds of rambling. I ended up
having to tell her I could not talk to her any more because of
her state. She ended up texting me and to make a long story
short we ended up back together. There was an OM too.

The thing that screwed us up this last time was my hypoglycemia,
which I was not aware of at the time. that has been resolved, but
wife is scared and does not trust that the changes will stay
which is understandable.

CURRENT - Similar situation. We are separated, there is another
man and she is set on divorce.

I went dark on her and started the online posting. Now here is
where there is a lot of misunderstanding I think.

1. I am GAL and doing a lot of stuff to stay busy especially
with the kids. I talk about this online. I have old friends
that I am back in touch with and a few female friends. Some
are married some are single. Everything is positive and
upbeat and "as if".

2. I am not being vindictive, trying to get her angry or anything
like that. Since I am dark, this is the ONLY way that she can see
what I am doing. Well, that and talking to the kids.

3. She does NOT know that I know she accesses my stuff. She has
no idea adn yes this is a good advantage to have.

4. She has been to my page obsessively. I mean the past three
days especially. She has been on there a LOT. Off and on ALL DAY
and night. This started after I started updating my pages
more often and blogging more. She is accessing everything I post
multiple times.

5. In the past, right before she called me to try and make me
jealous she tried to talk to me about our situation and saying
some of the stuff she has been saying now about wanting a
divorce, how it's best for both of us, how she is too independent
now and on and on. I simply told her I agreed with her and
she should get the divorce ASAP. I even sent her the attorney
info. This sort of took her by surprise because it was a 180
from what I would have normally done. THAT is what I think
really pushed her to call me and have 2nd thoughts in the past.

6. After we got back together I told her that I was checking out
a lot of the songs she had on her music account and I said it
really made me think about her a lot. She had our wedding song
and songs about breakups, getting back together, relationships
etc. She said that she was checking out my pages to and reading
what I was posting because she missed me and wanted to make sure
I was OK. She admitted this to me.

7. My wife probably needs me to reassure her somehow that I will
not leave her for some other woman and that I can have a
perfectly healthy normal friendship with women without her
having to worry about me abandoning her. I am guessing she
needs this because of the way she acts and how jealous she
gets if I talk to a woman. And she is the one that is actually
cheating so go figure.

8. Right before I changed my pages I did have some positive
stuff on there about me missing her. There was a song from
3 doors down about a breakup and I posted a song that I wrote
that is actually called "Missing Her". She saw that and I know
that she read it too. I eventually removed all of that when
I decided to start acting "as if" on my pages. I removed all
mention of her and just stated posting GAL stuff and positively
making friends, chit chat, innocent stuff.

Now, like I said, it was a test to see her reactions. And when
I say a test I mean that posting stuff was a test not GAL. The
GAL is real and I'm doing everything I'm talking about I just
was not talking about it in the open before.

9. She has never tried to screw me over. She has not demanded
alimony and has been more than reasonable with the kids money.
She has never ever stopped me from seeing the kids and told
me she would never keep them from me. She only blurted
out about alimony and other crap when she was angry when
i confronted her about the gambling. It was just her talking
crap though out of anger. I just want to be clear that its
not like she went to an attorney and tried to screw me. This
is exactly why she wanted a no fault divorce. She just wanted
to get divorced and nothing more.

10. Now this is getting into cognitive behavior. My wife has
a real problem with reading into things too much and letting
them stew around in her head and contemplating things that
might happen in the future that would NEVER happen. I wanted
to see if i could get her to sort of face that. For example,
one of the women I talk to is happily married. I chatted
with her a bit and I saw that my wife was really all over
those posts off an on. This also caused her to mention to
our friend that "he is talking to some girl" so she most
likely thought that I had some kind of interest in this
woman and who knows what else was going through her
head. Well, I ended up posting some stuff about her
"husband" and I and she followed up about her husband. I'm
friends with her husband. My wife had no idea she was
married. Once that was posted my wife hardly accessed those
posts again. She probably realized... opps I over reacted.
(hmmm ironically I could be doing that very thing right in
that description ..lol - I'm sure you get what i mean though.)


I'm just not sure what to do next here. I have a couple issues which are:

1. This letter for the attorney that she needs me to write. I'm
not sure how to handle this. I could stall and say I need to ask
my attorney about it, but that will only give me a week or two. I
could say that I don't want a divorce and simply tell her that this
is all on her end and she would have to go find another attorney. She
has no money, but she may be able to borrow it. I could write the
letter and let her go through the divorce as planned.

2. For the online stuff - I can crank it up a bit and talk
to more people, post more GAL stuff, lightly (innocently) flirt
and watch her reactions. OR - I could start to tone it back
a bit and post stuff about missing her, mistakes I've made,
forgiveness and I can match up a lot of emotional songs
to that type of posting too. I'm just not sure what to do.

Yes, I would rather work at it positively if i could. The
jealousy and mystery (I would say more mystery) got
her attention and drew her into my posts and pages. She
is now watching everything I do so now I know she will
read anything I post. However, I don't want to
"show my cards" as sg mentioned in another thread. I guess
I have to be careful.

I could even change the conversations to talk about broken
relationship, missing her and what went wrong and what I was
doing to change etc. For example. I could post blogs about
what I'm going through and people could comment on it. I know
she would read every word of it just be seeing how she is
reading stuff now. So again, this is an advantage, but like I
said I don't want her to think I'm just posting that stuff for
her to read. Really anything I post is the truth though, I mean
I am GAL and have been talking to people and I really do miss
her terribly and don't want a divorce. What do you guys suggest?

3. I think she went out with this guy tonight. I caught her
leaving when i dropped D off and she was all dolled up.
I just wish the OM was not in the picture. It sucks because
I have no idea how much of an influence the guy is on her.
But then again, she is really all over my stuff online so
there must be a lot of confusion on her part though
she is VERY good at hiding her emotions.

4. I wrote her a LONG letter that has a lot of stuff that
was left unsaid. It's like 20 pages ling and I validate a
lot of what she has told me were problems in our relationship.
It's deep and emotional. Its not pleading or anything like
that, but it is from the heart and covers pretty much everything
about our relationship. I was thinking about giving this to
her with a book I created for her for our 10th anniversary.
Our ann was last month, There was no mention of it between us.
I worked for a bout a year on a 400 page book that includes
pictures for the last ten years, poems, songs and all kinds
of quotes and sentimental copy. Its really detailed and
took a really long time to create, Its professionally printed
full color 400 pages. It includes so many memories of
our life.

Do you think I should give her the letter and the book? I know
she would have to read them, because I know how she is and I
know that it would have to have an affect on her because there
is just so many memories and good times in it. Right now she
seems to be focused on all negatives. I figure maybe that
will get her to see some of what she is really giving up.

My gut says to give it to her, but i still want to get
some other input on it. We had a communication problem
for the last couple of years and I really opened up in
the letter and said a lot of stuff that I know she
wanted and needed to hear in the past.

I planned to go and work on the house and act as if
and positive and then once I could actually get her
to have a normal conversation without being angry
I'd leave her the book and letter. Like I said, we
are not talking now and the only way she hears
from me is from the kids, from what I post
online or from something like this letter..

- Scott