Things are going OK with W and The Planning Thing. We're staying very busy - for example, this weekend, we went out with three different couples to do stuff (dinner on Friday, an arts festival on Saturday, and a concert-in-the-park on Sunday). And occasionally some of my suggestions are even making it onto the calendar. Not doing things with other people was one of W's biggest complaints about us in The Old Days, so this is all for the good.
D16 is gradually coming around to the terrible hard truth that she may need to spend at least some of her carefree college years closer to home. Poor little thing.
I'm going for a Guy's Weekend this coming Friday & Saturday with a friend (the husband from the family we vacationed with). Heading to a craft beer festival Friday night, then camping in a state park, then an all-day bike ride on Saturday. Should be fun. (OK, I must be totally honest here - it was W who spotted an article about the beer fest in a magazine and suggested it. But I was the one who ran with the idea and made it happen. )
Decided I needed to do a little GALing, was feeling the need to learn something new. Signed up for a six-week ceramics class, where I will learn to make pottery on The Wheel. Some background: We go to craft fairs fairly often (like the one this weekend). I decided a couple years ago I would have more fun if I was seeking something in particular, rather than just wandering. Since I love coffee, I started collecting nice pottery coffee mugs. So, now I get to make one of my own! I am very creative and love to do stuff like this. I'm also working on figuring out something nice to create for both W and D16 while I'm at it.
On the SSM front, I am doing better at initiating more often, and even get The Desired Response from time to time. A couple of good developments are that W is (gradually) waking up to the need to be more sensitive and kind when she does say no, and at the same time I am being much better at not taking it personally when she says no. We're still not going at it at the level I would like - but we're getting there. Time and Patience, as always!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I love that you're going to a pottery class. I think artistic expression is incredibly liberating, providing we don't judge ourselves too harshly. I recently got oversick of "hearing" my words (I love to write, and I'm darn good at it if I say so myself :D), so I took up painting and doing mixed media sorts of stuff in an art journal and on cheap canvas. I'm not a great artist, but that's not really the point. It's just fun...a release. I am thinking of taking a class as well!
The guys weekend...wow, that sounds like fun! I think it's awesome that your W mentioned the beer festival to you. Look at that as one way she is expressing her love.
Okay...I'm going to be nosy here...you can totally tell me to MMOB if you want. So, what "level" in the sex department would you like to be at, ideally? I guess I wonder what is in guy's minds, especially ones around your age as you're not too much older than H. Just wondering....
Everything sounds wonderful. Keep up the good work!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I love that you're going to a pottery class. I think artistic expression is incredibly liberating, providing we don't judge ourselves too harshly. ... It's just fun...a release. I am thinking of taking a class as well!
Yep, I think it's gonna be a blast. I'll have to post some pics of my finished products on my fa-you-know-what-ook page when I am done!
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
The guys weekend...wow, that sounds like fun! I think it's awesome that your W mentioned the beer festival to you. Look at that as one way she is expressing her love.
What a very nice insight - thank you for cluing me into it!
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Okay...I'm going to be nosy here...you can totally tell me to MMOB if you want. So, what "level" in the sex department would you like to be at, ideally? I guess I wonder what is in guy's minds, especially ones around your age as you're not too much older than H. Just wondering....
MYOB? Well, geez, it's probably a bit late to start keeping juicy details to myself after all we've been through, dontcha think, SD? OK, here goes. Keeping in mind that this is going to vary a lot from person to person, I would say my own "ideal" would be twice a week - one Big, Involved, Mind-Blowing Extravaganza and one Quickie....
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Wow. Yes, that's more than reasonable I would think. We're not there yet either.... Anyway, it's not like you want to grope and slobber on her 10 times a week.
And true, we have been through a lot together. I believe I shared details of DTD and my nightie prancing once upon a time.
I wonder...now, mind you, I'm only talking from my experience so this may or may not be true. Maybe your W feels inhibited, like she doesn't feel sexy or able to please YOU. I'm not saying that's true, but women sometimes buy into the characters in movies and stuff that the men are all ga-ga over. The perfect bodies, the wanton-ness, almost a dominant role. I think what women may not understand is that you guys don't much notice the extra flab and are just happy to, you know, be doing it with an enthusiastic partner that you care about.
Like I said, that may or may not be true. You know your W. Just thinking...
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Wow. Yes, that's more than reasonable I would think. We're not there yet either.... Anyway, it's not like you want to grope and slobber on her 10 times a week.
Well, I guess it just shows that 'more than reasonable' is in the eyes of the beholder!
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
And true, we have been through a lot together. I believe I shared details of DTD and my nightie prancing once upon a time.
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
I wonder...now, mind you, I'm only talking from my experience so this may or may not be true. Maybe your W feels inhibited, like she doesn't feel sexy or able to please YOU. I'm not saying that's true, but women sometimes buy into the characters in movies and stuff that the men are all ga-ga over. The perfect bodies, the wanton-ness, almost a dominant role. I think what women may not understand is that you guys don't much notice the extra flab and are just happy to, you know, be doing it with an enthusiastic partner that you care about.
Like I said, that may or may not be true. You know your W. Just thinking...
Oh, that all certainly plays a big part.
First, yes, W is pretty inhibited. I am trying to gradually expand the things we do to introduce a little spice, but it's a real balancing act between making things more interesting and making her uncomfortable.
Second, you are right, W is very self-conscious. Whether it's her hair, or her weight, or her skin, or those tiny little hints of spider veins - well, there's always something to be dissatisfied with herself about. Now, I think she's absolutely beautiful and sexy, but it's tough to get past her own ideas about herself. Sometimes I get the feeling she thinks I am either blind, stupid, or lying. On the flip side, I confess that it can be aggravating to think "What, so you feel two pounds overweight today, so that means I don't get to have sex? WTF?!"
I would certainly welcome any Sagely Words of Wisdom from the Female Point of View here!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Ah, Rob. All I can tell you is that society does a number on women. Even the hot ones hate their bodies and can tell you every little imperfection (real or imagined). Women never feel good enough.
Look at commercials, movies, magazines etc. Most of attraction is based on the woman's physical attributes, THAT'S what gives the woman her power. And then you add porn into the mix...well, we can't compete.
So, while you are all turned on and thinking, "Oooo...naked....good!", your woman is thinking, "My butt's too big, I'm bloated, does he notice my cellulite?" And then that leads to inhibition in the bed, because we might do something you don't like or to embarrass ourselves. Or you might laugh because we're obviously not those hot women from the movies.
This is my intuition...how often do you compliment your W's appearance with no thought of sex? Are there times her hair is all tousled, no make up when you think, "Damn she's hot!" but don't tell her? I'd say, start to notice and comment on your wife's appearance. Be specific. Or maybe you're all cuddled up watching a movie, and you notice that her hair smells good.
We want to know you think we're good looking...that we turn you on. Because we all know you guys could have sex with just about anything--you know, you guys are just driven my your male parts and any port in a storm, you know? (Yes, I know this is absurd, but just because you want to have sex with us does not mean you find us attractive in the female mind).
My H is actually very sensitive about his chest hair...he worries that he's some Sasquatch and his hair turns me off. Like, he won't walk around with his shirt off in front of anyone. Last night he offered to wax it off if I wanted him to! It made me sort of laugh...because he's not so different from me after all. For me, at least, the chest hair is no big deal. It's not like he's wearing a rug or anything. So I told him that he was just fine the way he was, that I saw it as a sign of virility. He just needed reassurance that he's okay, you know?
So, don't go overboard, but find genuine things to notice about your W and then tell her. H gets lucky more often when he's commented on how I look and I can see it in his eyes.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Bottom line - am I speaking her Love Language regularly and consistently? Thinking on it, probably not as much as I ought to / want to. There's always something more to work on so we can grow and improve, isn't there?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Not doing things with other people was one of W's biggest complaints about us in The Old Days, so this is all for the good.
