I hope this is what "peeking" looks like!

[enlightenbylife]

mlh

You are right. This change does give me a chance to rethink my life.(Like I haven't done that recently! )

It's just that these people kept me sane and when I thought I looked like a wet rag because I had cried from the night before or the morning , no one said a thing and yet they were there for me.

I really only have my sister that i could lean on through all of this.She undertands and does not judge my actions but my co- workers were also there for me and with me.

These life lessons make us look for the positive side of things and yes I usually do, but sometimes I think I have to grieve for what I had and what I will loose. Sometimes I have to through myself a "pitty party."

I have many of my co-workers tell me that I can call them anytime and that they will keep in touch but we all know , as life gets busier most of these friendships dwindle and fade.

Sometimes I do feel like I've had enough. I guess this is one of those times.

.....and life goes on....


E

[enlightenbylife]

Hi Jeff,

You always make me smile when you post.

I guess you give me the virtual "pick me up"

I'm sure that this will pass and I will adjust just like everything else in this girls life.

Maybe I need to do some "shoptherapy" or maybe have some raseberry and white chocolate!

I'll ride these emotions and hopefully gain some knowledge abo9ut mself in the process.

E

[Treese]

NA, Thank you so much for replying to my thread.

I have been keeping up on your thread and I so wish we were at the point you are at with your H.

There will be ups and downs and I have confidence that you will be able to weather the storm.

As for me, well I'm getting a little tired of the "storms".

I would like a more calm world with "a little rain every now and then"

I know that I will be o.k. It's just that I'm a little beat up right now and I want some rest....some calmness.

I know I'm a survivor...whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger .....blah blah blah

I want someone to hold me and tell me to hang in there.

To wipe away my tears and tell me that they will be there for me no matter what.

It's times like this that I miss H so very much.

I don't always want to be strong.

E

E.....I feel the same way....I just want to be held while I cry...and told it's going to be okay....

[enlightenbylife]

A little update...

H and S19 came home from their 2 week vacation last night.

I didn't come home until 11 last night. S said the came home around 9.

I wonder what H thought when the garage door was opened and my car was gone. A total 180 for me to be gone out this late.

When I came home it was really good to see S. I missed him and and he missed me too.

S21 came home today and lots of hugs again The best part of them leaving is when they come back.


This has been the longest that I have not been in contact with H.
2 weeks yesterday.

I'm really thinking about what he must be going through.

I have also been thinking about what Amy said

When you're tired enough, you will make a move to change things.

Don't rush yourself.
This place you're at - where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired - doesn't last forever.

If you force your way through it instead of letting yourself get to the other side by way of the natural process of things, you will not arrive whole.

There is a method to the madness of detaching.

But it absolutely can not be forced or rushed.

You'll understand when you get there, Frank.

All in due time.

And you will be better for having let the process unfold on it's own as opposed to forcing the emotional break, which really can't be done anyway...and will only leave you more shattered for having tried.


AmyC

Thanks Amy,

Powerful stuff. I'm kind lost right now..

[enlightenbylife]

How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?

I have not talked to H in over 2 weeks. Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I wonder if I'm giving off an "I don't care about you " vibe.

I don't want to push him away but I want to move ahead.

I'm feeling alot better about my self esteem about my looks and
personality.

Not that I didn't take care of myself before but now I'm more assured about who I am and what I want.

This is me...this is who I am and the verbal lashing and putting down that H used to do was not the real me. It was his shortcommings about himself.

I'm making decisions about how fast and far I'm to go on this journey but I'm really having some self doubt. I suppose along with my job being eliminated I'm feeling a little down.

I guess I'm questioning my self worth when it comes to work this ahs really been a blow. I am able to go back to being a custodian in one of the schools. Not that this is a bad thing as I was one for 15 years but that I loved my position in Human Resources as it was always mind challenging.

I taught myself the computer programs that I need to learn and found that when I'm learning my self worth would accumulate.

Now it feels that I'm going backwards.

I just want to be going forward with my journey. I feel that this is a giant setback for me.

E

[enlightenbylife]

Some of H's mail still comes here.

Should I bring it to his house? He ususally comes to get it here and i notice there are some bills in there for him.


E

[enlightenbylife]

Nutty Chick or anyone else that has been there...


How exactly do I do this? I feel that this is exactly where I want to go right now.

You are not detached … but are acting detached. My H did a similar thing and didn’t let me know how much I was hurting him. I thought he didn’t care. I thought he wasn’t bothered. He didn’t act bothered …

Better to truly detach .. go through the pain and maybe, if you feel able begin a friendship.

I still have this hope that he is waiting to come back and I will be here .I want to get past this feeling. I can't hold back and wait.

I can't keep busing myself with yardwork, housework and work work, just so that I don't have to think about when he will peek around the corner.

I want to move ahead for me. I need to for myself.

I don't know how.

I feel as though I'm floundering, I'm going nowhere.

How do I detach and act like I really am/have????



Anyone please????

[Flicka]

Detaching is about loving your dog and listening to him. Dogs have good advice. Dogs live in the moment. They get dirty but shake it off... They are devoted but have their own happy plans.

I think it is wrong to fake disinterest or anything else. I appreciated that you could tell from WCW's posts that she is not fake. People feel good when they do the right thing. Fixing food for your H and S was the right thing.

I will watch and read what you are doing. We will all try to help each other.

[new_attitude]

hi e,

I'd let him pick up his own mail or have your s give it to him.
Try to do things that make you happy, things that keep your mind off the sitch. I know it's not easy.

[enlightenbylife]

Thanks Flicka,

When the bomb dropped I thought how could I have been so blind and trusting.

But that is who I am. Genuine and trusting not fake.

Now since the bomb I'm afraid to be genuine because I"m afraid of what will come back at me.

I want to be me but I also want to do what is right.Sometimes the internal struggle is hard to see the difference.

I want to give him space and for that matter i need the space too.What I'm afraid of is it being interpeted as distant and aloof or not caring.

I do care and and I do still love him and i'll be honest when I say I'm waiting for him to return.I know I should't but I'm being honest.

I ask the kids what he did up on their vacation. I know I shouldn't but I care.

You see I do care but I'm putting off different vibes to him.

And this is where I struggle.

I have heard him sobbing in his room before he moved out and I have heard him lie through his teeth about things we had planned for our future.

It's easy to forget the bad times when you want him back.

He still pays the bills in the house here and I don't know if it is because it is cheaper than alimony and what he would owe me or he genuinaly cares.

Is he doing it because he doesn't want to let go or he doesn't want to pay?

I don't know...I really don't know.

Besides all of that this week will mark the anniversary of the confirmation of the affair.

I feel gutted.