To WDID, SANDI2, LOST3031, PURPLE, AND SARA (and any other WAW’s I may have left out) I have read this whole thread and wish to say that this has been one of the most educational/revealing threads for me!!! I am so grateful to hear the perspective of the WAW's. I think one of the hardest thing for my sitch ( She has moved to new zealand ) was just trying to figure out what happened and finding a way to get my head around it. I was so bewildered and blindsided and fortunately, the perspective of the WAW's has made it much more clear. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Your sharing is truly invaluable and much better than the hundred's of dollars spent on counseling!!!
Of course I feel I have to add my "two cents" to this thread and they are as follows:
To SANDI2 on your feelings of using the phrase "WAW" and to WDID and her feelings for the OM: Thank you for sharing those feelings with us. From my "new perspective" that I have been awakened through this process, and I believe that when someone shares their feelings, it is not in our best interest to "judge" them, and especially to tell them why they are mistaken. I too used to do that, and even though I may have been technically correct, I now see how that added to my WAW not feeling she was being understood and added to her shutdown and feeling trapped and wanting to escape. I am truly trying to understand others perspectives (whether they are based in reality or not), so I can understand what they are feeling and how I can change so they don't have those feelings anymore. The perspective of the WAW's has been invaluable toward that goal and I hope that you don't hesitate to share those true feelings in the future for fear of being "judged" or criticized. So please, keep on posting those feelings day to day!!! They are valid (especially to you) and I'm sure they are the same way other WAW feel, justified or not. You are not bad or wrong for feeling that way, as they are true feelings, but if you have a desire to feel differently, that if you ask, we will be here to possibly show you a different way of looking at things.
To WDID concerning the not remembering any happy moments. It was mentioned in a recent book I read (Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert), that in psychological studies, is has been shown that however we feel in the present moment, affects our memory of the past and our prediction of the future. So if you are not feeling happy/connected to your husband at this moment, your perception of the past and prediction of the future is filtered by your current feelings. I'm sure if you were to look through old photos or talk to friends about past get-togethers, you could find moments that you were happy together and made each other laugh. He uses an example of people trying to predict how they would feel if their team lost or won a game. Of course, their predictions did not turn out to be reality. If the team lost, the people were stunned in the moment, but still went out a partied afterwards anyway. And if the team won, they enjoyed the moment, but still had day-to-day reality to deal with afterwards and the "happy" feelings were not as impactful as they thought. So I think logically, you are seeing some of the things that will override the good feelings you have with the OM (ie. Jealousy, financial, etc...), now you just need to turn that logic into feelings and true "knowing" (so you don't have to talk yourself into it).
One other thing I wanted to mention was through what I have learned from the book "the secret" (which I haven't read but have heard about) and from "A New Earth" by Echert Tolle (which I have read and watched all the webcasts) is: It is hard to know what will give you "true" happiness in the future, UNTIL YOU REACH A PLACE OF STILLNESS AND CALMNESS IN THE PRESENT. My interpretation is that: when you are in a time of need, you will jump to something just to escape the present situation, but it may not be the best thing for you. As an example, if you are extremely hungry, and you don't have any food in the house, you may eat at whatever place is closest, whereas if you had a full belly, you may have been willing to drive further to a place that was better for you. (As an aside, I view affairs, extreme drinking, etc... like candy. It gives you pleasure in the moment and feels good, but it will rot your insides if you continue to do it for any duration. And then it will not feel so good after doing it for a while.)
Also along the same lines, if you are unhappy in the moment and you go to something else to give you that happiness, the feeling will quickly fade and you will be unhappy again. This can be seen with kids with toys, or adults with new cars, houses, jobs, locations. You will be happy with your new thing for up to 6 months, but soon the novelty will wear off and you will need a new item to bring that happiness, which in turn will wear off. And last but not least is.. relationships (unless there is clear and present flaw like abuse, lying, cheating, trust, etc...), once you have the new one that you thought would finally make you happy, the novelty will wear off and real life problems will come in. They may not be the same problems you have with your current spouse, but there will be other problems that you don't have now (ie. Jealousy, financial, etc...).
So Tolle's book says "Resistance causes Persistence" which is backed up by the psychological community. If you just try to not do something, you won't be able to quit (imagine a pink elephant, ok, now try to not think about it!! hard to do.). Ask most smokers and dieters. You must find something else enjoyable to replace it. So if you are trying to quit smoking, eat carrots, or go for a walk, etc... Same with trying to forget about the OM. Replace time spent communicating with him on doing something for yourself and/or for others. Volunteer at an animal shelter, tutor kids, etc.... You will feel much better about yourself and will feel much better in the long run (not just a "candy" momentary happiness, but you will feel proud and a long lasting happiness).
So again, thank you for sharing your perspectives and I hope I was of help in at least some little way. If you have any suggestions or perspectives about my situation, feel free to comment.
(Sorry if this post is too long. I guess I write long posts!!)
