For the Guy with kids and a WW 6

[attorneytom]

You know Wdid...

We avoid the conflict btw because it becomes predictable. Atleast we "think" we know what will happen.. the answers etc.. whatever it is ? Eggshells all the way..

Yeah.. follow through to the end. and let her end it.

I agree.

AT

[hopeful4her]

wdid, we usually start a conversation at the wrong time and place or we get interrupted by kids or something. I thought we would have an opportunity to talk at length the weekend before, when the kids went to grandma's, but she seemingly avoided being home. I do not cut off conversation. It is me that has to draw it out of her.

When we do have a conversation, I always tell her to end things with him. To do the right thing. She will angrily agree, and tell me that she intends to. Like the last conversation, she said she just didn't know how to do it.

That is what she SAYS. Doing it is something entirely different. I have to realize that she has no intention to end it. I believe she just lies to me.

I don't avoid conversation, opportunities to talk are hard to come by. I always tell her that I want to work on us, but she always says that we can't fix it or she just doesn't watn to be married anymore or something along those lines.

With me being angry this weekend, we were nice to each other. Just no friendly conversation. She would get me some coffee, a refill, try very light conversation with me. She knows and senses the disappointment I feel. She knows me.

We did a lot at the house yesterday. After family left, she started on laundry. I started on the lawn. I weedeated the back, then mowed. I moved to the front and finished mowing. I was getting the weedeater ready and D6 comes outside with a cold bottled water. "Break time, daddy. Here some cold water."

I know roomie sent her outside.

Later, I help a little inside. She is cleaning a lot of things in the house. Bathroom. Kitchen. Really cleaning.

She confuses me. We supposedly have only two more weeks to go. Then she is gone, right? I mean, she was scrubbing the shower doors.

Later, she tells me that she is going into town, pick up some groceries, grab some bottled water, and pick up S14.

Not sure where she is going to get the money. Probably another withdraw from OM account?

Before coming home, she calls me to let me know she is gassing up car and has picked up S14 and gotten the groceries. She will be home soon.

Why call me??

She is trying to draw me back in. I start on dinner, and she gets home. She is still trying to talk to me. Like testing me. I acknowledge what she tells me and answer. I don't continue the talk. I answer her nicely. Not being rude. We sit down for family dinner. The family. It's been a while. The only one missing this night is nephew. He is with his dad for a couple weeks. Roomie says prayer, "Thank you Lord for bringing us all back together." Pause. "Here at this table." Like she had to specify that.

The rest of the night went well. I tried to not be in the same room as her. I was in the bedroom watching tv, S14 on our computer online, D6 on bed with me, playing. Roomie comes in and brings a puppy and puts on bed with us. She is trying to interact.

She showers. I try to put little ones to bed. Roomie asks if I want to watch a movie with her. She asked while she was walking to bathroom. I was about to say ok, but I did not answer her. She was doing something with her hair, and talking to D6. D6 wants to sleep with us. I get into bed. I won't watch movie if she is going to watch. Roomie decides to go to bed too. Goodnights to D6 but not to each other.

This morning, I am up. I hit snooze but get up. I am ironing and alarm wakes up roomie. She gets up. She tells me good morning. I say good morning. I avoid and still quiet. I finish and go to kitchen to make my lunch. Roomie had already gotten all the lunch stuff out. The turkey, bread, mayo, fruit.

And one cheese slice.

Now roomie does not eat cheese on her sandwich. Never has. I know the cheese was taken out for my sandwich. Not sure if she intended to make our lunch and I beat her to it. Or her just thinking of me and taking stuff out for me. I make my own sandwich and leave the cheese where it was. When I finish, I go make our travel coffee. I decide to make hers too. She is trying in her way. I also make a fruit snack for her, too. I was making mine, too.

She also put on my perfume. She is being very nice, but in a way that she knows she did something wrong. Not pretending like nothing is wrong, just being nice.

I have to hold my ground, I think. Or I fall right back to where I always fall to. Me being the great guy, and giving her my best. Like always.

It has to be different. Protect my heart. She will know that I cannot be her friend. I don't have to tell her. She made the decision. Her Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde has gotten the best of her and I will treat her like she is only Mr Hyde now.

Protect myself. Protect my heart.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Protect Protect Protect Detach Detach Detach

We are in the same boat sailing rough seas. Steady as she goes... as best we can.

[whatdidido]

Ok, I see where you are coming from. Sick of the pain and hurt. But.......ok, looks like you want to pull back.....well, kind of (still made the lunch, etc.). I understand talking time is hard to come by but then maybe get the kids to a babysitter/relative and finally have a full talk. Have you ever really done that? Or, do you get bits and pieces? So many head games. I remember her saying to you once something like, "Is there something you want to SAY?" Avoidance doesn't solve anything. I don't mean to be harsh, I am just telling you what I see and trying to offer what could possibly be done. She has said she needs to leave the OM so there is no reason to leave the house. This "needing time to figure things out" thing is bogus and you know it. Maybe you want to just ignore it and hope she comes back? My H did this so that may work. But, it was 3 years later and the road is a steep uphill. I don't know...thinking out loud.....Just seems like there are so many head games around here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, I see where you are coming from. Sick of the pain and hurt. But.......ok, looks like you want to pull back.....well, kind of (still made the lunch, etc.). I understand talking time is hard to come by but then maybe get the kids to a babysitter/relative and finally have a full talk. Have you ever really done that? Or, do you get bits and pieces? So many head games. I remember her saying to you once something like, "Is there something you want to SAY?" Avoidance doesn't solve anything. I don't mean to be harsh, I am just telling you what I see and trying to offer what could possibly be done. She has said she needs to leave the OM so there is no reason to leave the house. This "needing time to figure things out" thing is bogus and you know it. Maybe you want to just ignore it and hope she comes back? My H did this so that may work. But, it was 3 years later and the road is a steep uphill. I don't know...thinking out loud.....Just seems like there are so many head games around here.

Hi, WDID --

I'd love to get your opinion on this. When you drill down thru all the drama and the angst of this sitch, this just jumped out at me, above:

When we do have a conversation, I always tell her to end things with him. To do the right thing. She will angrily agree, and tell me that she intends to. Like the last conversation, she said she just didn't know how to do it.

That is what she SAYS. Doing it is something entirely different. I have to realize that she has no intention to end it. I believe she just lies to me.

If this is the case, don't you think H4H should simply call her bluff, and insist upon a no-contact letter and a 100% no-contact/transparency system? If she refuses, then he'll know she is either lying or stalling and intending to cake-eat, and he'll have his answer.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

I have no doubt that in her heart she wants to end it. I also have no doubt that she doesn't know how. What she DOES need to do is to end it even though she doesn't know how. THere will be no great way to do this. It will be painful. She will need to have full transparency to you, h4h. Any time he contacts her in any way, she will be in pain. I agree with Puppy. You need to ask her to do this.

If she refuses you need to prepare what you will do. This half nice half anger thing is not working for either of you.

You love her. You want her. She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows she needs to end the OM. Make her do this. Keep her in the house for two months. Make sure she does not contact him. Then, the counseling begins, etc. What's a few more months staying with you and doing what she feels she has to do anyway? She cannot deny this. What's a few more months after being with you for years? This whole apt thing started up, yes. Be willing to pay for the apt vacant if need be.

She wants to try the "life with OM" out. There is no other reason for leaving.

[hopeful4her]

SHE started the apartment thing. I have TOLD her that I don't want her to leave. I have told her to end things with OM. She knows what I want.

To me, to ask for the no contact, trasparency thing, it will be me controlling her. I fully take it that she is just telling me what I want to hear. I am not playing head games with her. I have tried and tried.

I did not make her lunch. I made my lunch. I put some grapes in a baggie for me and made one for her, too. That was all I did.

As far as I'm concerned, your right, not other reason for her to leave.

Your telling me to ask her things that I have already asked. I can't MAKE her do anything. SHE has to want to do it.

She tells me she doesn't have the feelings for me anymore. That she no longer wants what we have. We are going through financial hell this past year. One thing after another. It is just non stop. She wants a better life. She told me this Friday night. She is protecting her heart from ME! I couldn't believe she told me this.

I give her my best. Always. I get her to come back around. We reconnect. Enjoy each others company. Totally because of my efforts. I continue the fight. Over and over. I fight and I fight and I fight to try to make her see. Ya'll see it. She still sees him. Tells him she loves him. Has lunch with him. She still plans the move.

Something goes wrong at home. A dose of reality, she withdraws. Treats me like sh** to justify herself. She still plans the move.

Either way we are to each other, she is hell bent on the move.

I wish YOU could talk to her.

[hopeful4her]

If this is the case, don't you think H4H should simply call her bluff, and insist upon a no-contact letter and a 100% no-contact/transparency system? If she refuses, then he'll know she is either lying or stalling and intending to cake-eat, and he'll have his answer.

IF she is going to stop seeing OM, she ain't doing it for me. She would do it because of the guilt. Because she knows that it was wrong to begin with. Hopefully her Christian belief lets her realize. This is what I feel from her.

But you know cheaters. Fogged out and saying what they want people to hear and knowing that they have no intention of ending things. Besides, HE is the one she loves right now.

That's my take on it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4H,

You're making this more complicated than it is. YOU said that she has claimed -- more than once -- to WANT to end it with him, but "can't."

We -- a former BS and a forward WAS -- are both saying the same thing:

Call the question.

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

In our conversations, I have told her to end things with him. I don't say it every single time we talk. I have told her, though. Several times.

The first time was me telling her months ago. She just started work again around February. I told her that having a boyfriend disrespect me, herself, our children and God. She agreed. That was all I got. "I agree."

The next time was the first time the D word came out of her. She told me that SHE would initiate the divorce if I wouldn't. I told her very calmly, "Go ahead. You are going to lose everything." She said a few choice things to me, got up and called OM. She told him she was never going to call him again, to never call her again. She told him, "I am telling this to you in front of Roger." I could hear him "What?! Why?! Why do I deserve this?!" She told him, "I don't want to lose my kids."
It didn't last long. He called her and called her. I could see she broke down and called him that next evening on her way home.

One time was just a stare then changing it back something else.

The first time that she responded with a "Don't worry, I am! I don't need ANY man!" was the time on a Sunday just before church. She was staying home and was upset that D6 wanted her to go to church. She kept asking D6 if I had told her something the day before, because she kept looking at me. Thats the day after she spent doing what she wanted, supposedly alone. Shopping. We were at the door and me telling her to do the right thing and end it with him. She told me angrily.

The next time me telling her was us at home when we were back from her being in the hospital in Laredo a few weeks ago. In our bedroom, me telling her again to do the right thing. Her telling me the same thing. "I don't need to be with anybody. I will be on my own. I am." I told her that she had gotten herself into the mess. She said, "Don't worry. I'm getting out of it!" Again, her telling me in anger.

Then this last time. The Sunday before last. When she said she knew what she had to do. She just didn't know how to do it. She told me this pretty calmly. First time.

There were other times. Our talk when I saw them together at the restraunt. She told me about hurting him. That he was just as persistant as me. She also told me that he has offered to end things with her and she continued it. So she says.

To me it sounds more like she is just saying what I want to hear. But I know she knows it is wrong. It just feels so right, though. Like wdid said, really not wanting to hurt him. Puke.


So, are guys saying that I need to continue talking to her?

I guess that was my plan. Keep trying to initiate conversation up until the end. It was hard taking the venom.

I am tired of her flip flopping towards me. I do love her. I do want her to stay. But I can't beg her. I won't beg her anymore. She just can't seem to give up OM. If that is the case, then I don't want her. The more I think about them together, makes me sick.

I know ya'll see the confusion in her. Think how I feel.

In my small mind, here is how I envision the talk about me TELLING her to end it with OM and calling her on it.

"I want you to end things with OM. You know it is the right thing to do."

"I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to do it."

"I want to help you if you'll let me."

"I know I should end it, but I just can't seem to get myself to do it. I love him. We were meant for each other. I am not leaving you for him. I just don't want to be married anymore. I'm not in love with you. I don't need any man. Our marriage is not fixable."

"Just end it with him. When you do, I want you to REALLY end it with him. No contact at all. None. No talking on the phone. No lunches just as friends. No emails. No texts. You need to let me look at you phone and I'll be checking the phone bill. I want you to give me access to you secret phone, too. I will check that bill, too. If you DO have contact with him, just tell me. Don't hide it. If I find out on my own, then we are done."

"Your F'ing F'ed in the head! We're done anyway, stupid!"

That is what I envision.

The way it comes across, it is me trying to help rescue her from herself. I have nothing to stand on to try to get her to end it. She has no inclination to work on our marriage nor our relationship. Still. That is what I got from her on Friday. She same stuff she has said before.

But should I believe her?