Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. There is no point in worrying about something if it has not happened yet!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
and he did rely to your comment about a trip- how did that come up? that went very well- you planted the seed-now give it space...you are doing great and he is around you a lot so you have a lot of chances to show him your changes and GAL , etc...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
OK, I'm just WAY so happy right now. I need to be brought down to reality so I don't get overly excited. But wow, what a great afternoon and evening!
OK, so H came home about 4:30 with the girls from swimming, and they had fallen asleep in his truck on the way home. HE came in to let me know he was going to let them sleep in there awhile (it was nice and cool with an overcast, and remember we live on acreage in the country.Didn't want anyone thinking we are nuts). Anyway, so he came in, and we were laughing about our phone escapades again. And next thing I know, we are going crazy with each other, and ML, and it wasn't akward, or bad,...he didn't get weird afterward. Nothing. In face we kept laughing because one of us would pop up and lookoutside every few minutes to make sure the girls hadn't woken up. LOL
Anyway, so we have that, and decide we better wake the girls up so they sleep tonight. Well, I guess he was going to take them for icecream but since they fell asleep that fell through. So of course when they woke up home they started freaking out. So he looked at me and said......... I'll stay for dinner and we can go for icecream afterwards. YAY!
So I'm all excited, and next thing I know I hear D6 say, I want Mommy to come for icecream too. I FULLY expect him to say no, and he says. "she can come too". WOW!
So we had a nice dinner, went for icecream (it was good time), then drove home. On the way home D6 got upset and started telling Daddy she wanted him to stay for a sleepover, and that she wanted him home, she needed him etc. It broke my heart. So I spoke up and said "Honey, Daddy needs to go home to take care of the dogs (the dogs of the owners of the house he is staying with. They are on vacation, so he is taking care of the dogs), but maybe sometime soon, Daddy can come and put the pop up out in the yard, and you guys can have a backyard campout. I thought this would be cool for him to be HERE with them, but I'd still be in the house. Anyway, he said "yeah, and I want to really go camping in August". So I looked at him and mouthed "I wanna go! " and he looked at me and said....... "we'll see, ok".
So then we get home and I gave him a hug before he left and thanked him for letting me go for icecream with them. I then told him the last few days had been really nice. So then I looked at him (very non DB move) and said.. "has any of it been nice for you?" To which he says. "Well, it hasn't been horrible" to which I said... "GEE, THANKS! And gave a smirk, then I pinched his butt". I just made light of it,then I said. "no, there have just been moments that for the first time in 3 months felt almost normal. IT's been so long for anything to feel normal.". HE then looked at me and said. "we'll see".
So I have NO idea what has flipped. And I KNOW there is a very real chance he'll lose his mind in the next couple of days and revert ,but I'm really getting the feeling that FINALLY he may have some real doubt in this mind for the first time. If he files this week, I'm going to lose it, because he is now not indicating that at all.
I guess time will tell. For tonight though, I'm just over the moon. So I guess I'll enjoy it for now.
Oh, I did have another good 180 moment today that got his attention. I was at my friend's house for dinner Sat night. She has horses. And we made plans to go riding. I haven't ridden in years. I had some really bad horse experiences, and haven't really gotten back on. But I feel the need right now to try to face all my fears, so we made plans to go out next week. I was telling D6 who rides her horses all the time about it ,and my H looked at me and said. "What, YOU are going to go riding?". I just smiled and said "Yep, and I'm really excited!". I could tell it got his attention.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
wow !!! so exciting and so many things i am happy for you .... you are doing things right - ca you list what you did specifically to get him to relax a bit (nudge nudge) and open up to you?? you deserve this happiness- but play it cool....have a great night!!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Honestly I have no idea. I sent him home with a card last Thursday night. I had no intention of giving it to him that night, but when he said he was filing the next day, I decided to just do it.
It was one of those long "from the heart" cards, with the overall message being "I Believe In You". I loved the sentiment of the card. It basically reinforced that I believe in him, the person he is, his values, ethics, his strength etc. Then I of course wrote a novel inside saying how I would always be here, this would always be his home. That my belief right now doesn't come from him, it comes from a belief I have in him, me, our history, or future, and a God that wants Marriage to survive in the face of adversity. I told him I'd never stop fighting for him ,and I hoped one day he'd see me as someone he'd fight for again.
Then I signed it....... Forever, Chris.
I honesetly think it could be a combo of things. He's alone for the first time since we separated, my card, talks we have had, and when I told him of all the numerous signs I had gotten (he's always questioning how I can keep fighting when he's given me no hope). So I told him about all of them, then of course while he was here Thursday night when we were outside, I said a prayer asking God for a sign if this marriage would be saved and I was meant to keep fighting, and then there was a huge shooting star. He was there for that.
He is NOT religious at all, but I think it might have even surprise him a bit.
I also believe in the power of prayer and I've been doing it a lot, I have lots of friends and family praying, I've put prayer requests in at church, and just recently in the last couple of weeks my prayers have changed from always being "Please God restore this marriage, touch his heart" to "Please God, bring him to YOU. I pray he will come to know You".
Believe me, if we get through this, I will ASK him what the "turning point" was, because I'm not even sure. And I'm still VERY much teetering on the edge. I mean he could still be planning to file this week. I hope not, but I have no guarentees.
I'm going to try to remain optimistic but try not to crowd him. He won't be having any overnights this coming weekend with the girls due to a huge music festival that he has to work all weekend, so I know he is already really bummed about that. So I expect to see most weeknight visits this week. He's coming again tonight. I think I'll plan to go work in the garden and give them space since I got family time last night.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
OMG Chris!!!! I am just so excited for you! This is great news, and I am happy for you!!! You obviously have been doing some great work!!! WTG!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
That is great Chris!! You know, just from your posts I think your attitude has changed a bit. I really think you went from laying a guilt trip on him to being fun Chris and showing him what he is missing out on.
Him being alone could have a lot to do with it too. Reality could be setting in.
Patience is really the hardest part...especially when they show positive signs. Just remember this is usually a slow process.
Quote:
I also believe in the power of prayer and I've been doing it a lot,
Have you read "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian? That may be a good read for you.
Keep doing what you are doing. Be careful not to push...this has to go at his pace.
Hey Chris, I'm very happy for you, it sounds all really good. I posted this on my thread, & thought I'd copy it here. Just disregard the whole not sleeping with him comment. lol
LOL, I'll be Yoda, short, wrinkly, big hairy ears....:)
Here were a couple of my thoughts while I was doing dishes...
1. What did he want in the M that he didn't get ? What were his major complaints ? If he were going to come back, what does he want to be different ?
2. Person A wants to be around Person B, when Person B makes them feel good. You shouldn't hide out in your room. You should GAL, & do your thing around the house, act happy & normal, wear your Ipod, dance while you're dusting, whatever. Nothing is as unattractive as a moping, clingy, needy, desperate W or H. Make you the most attractive you can be, without going overboard. When you know he's coming over, wear something he used to like, but be subtle.
Then, when he talks to you, act like he's a new boyfriend. Don't; chase him, pursue him, call him, sleep with him, or nag him about anything.
Just tell him you'd love to be with him, but, you don't feel comfortable having sex while he's still living somewhere else. Once he moves back home & agrees to at least talk to you about the changes he'd like in the M, you'd love to make love to him. (just my opinion, please, follow your heart on this one).
whatcha think ? _________________________
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I also believe in the power of prayer. In fact there was a big study on it and there is scientific evidence that it works so keep doing it. A few things that you said really resonated with you. You talked about continuing to fight for your marriage no matter what. I love that. At times I have my moments and I wonder and I want to start focusing on the negative and past mistakes, but you have to be positive and I like your positivity. I was listening to the "Secret" and one of the things it said is don't give energy to the negative. It sounds like you have shifted your focus from the negative aspects of your seperation and you have taken energy from the negative. Being negative and just zoning in the bad stuff really takes a lot of effort I am finding. Anyway, you have your sign, you have given it over to GOD so really there is not much more you can do, but keep up your PMA, keep praying and even if he does file (which I am hoping he does not), but even if he does, just look at it as a minor bump in the road. Filing sometimes is just a way of controling the situation.
Wow Chris- you know the cool part here is you may never need to know why he is changing his actions- as he may not even know why. the important thing here is for you to do what works and clearly you have done a lot of that....smartcookie is very clear and i agree with her questions- you rock !
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
i am happy for you .... you are doing things right - ca you list what you did specifically to get him to relax a bit (nudge nudge) and open up to you??