Withdrawal of OM and coping

[sandi2]

In defense of WDID, I don't know that anyone truly understands the heart of a WAW unless they have been one. After so long of a time of trying to make your M work and trying to be in love with your H and trying to be happy, and yes, having sex with him.....but yet the "feelings" are not there.......you go empty. Your emotions are drained and in fact, you feel like your entire soul is empty. You just want to feel happy again. People talk about how selfish this is......well, I don't know too many that doesn't want to feel happy...do you?

No, I am not saying it is "right" to look around when you are married! I think what the WAW is looking for is "happiness" and that is when she finds OM to feel a void in her life. That is when all those false hormones start flooding your brain and it feels so good and so right and it confuses the hell out of you! It causes a sane, responsible wife and mother to act like a crazy irresponsible, selfish nut!

Okay, so WDID, tried to put OM behind her and decided to stay in her M. However, the feelings would not follow her decision. So, I know exactly what came next b/c I have been there. She started to wonder if the OM was her only hope----her only chance at happiness in this life. What if she stayed with her H only to discover that she could not bear for him to touch her and they would just be empty shells from now on? As of right now, the OM is still looking a lot more attractive than her H. Everything she does is out from her "will" and not from "feelings".........that is what she needs to be given credit for. Telling her that she needs to own up to her responsibility as a M woman is not helping, I can assure you that much. She knows her responsibility better than anyone else b/c her guilt reminds her of that all the time. That is one of the reasons she is so miserable. She wants to do the right thing, but she also wants to be happy. She needs much encouragement. Yes, sometimes we have to hear harsh words, but most of the time I personally feel that we need somebody to just "help" us through a really bad time and try to reassure us that, in time, things will get better.

WDID, I have gone "through the motions" for almost the entire time that I made the decision to stay with my H. Now, I'm older than you so you have to take that in consideration and my H and I are not in that great of physical shape......but what I'm trying to say is that some day.....you will begin to experience the "feelings" again for your H. I believe that. If I didn't, I don't know that I could hang in my own M. I can tell a difference in my R with my H since I have been able to stop fantasizing about the OM like I was doing. Man, that was poison to me! But, it's hard to control. One thing that a former poster told me, WDID, was when she recognized that I still had the "heart" of a WAW! She was so right! I did and I had to face that and start working on it. I know you are trying......I know you are, b/c you are still here. If you were not still trying, we would not be hearing from you. Please, don't contact the OM. Work at just not thinking that he could have been the better man and made you happier, etc. Don't get all hung up on the fact that you are not "feeling" certain things right now. You may not experience that for quite a while......I don't know...just trying to be realistic. Make some goals. For an example:

1. I will stay so busy and work until I fall fast asleep and won't dwell on thoughts of OM. (You've probably done this, but keep doing it.)

2. I will act "as if" I enjoy my life. With hopes that someday, I really will actually feel what I'm acting. Remember the story about my mother?

3. I will do one thing special for my H this week. (Make his favorite dinner or whatever.)

4. No matter what, I will not contact OM.

Keep it simple! Next week, try for a few more simple goals. Nothing too extreme. Maybe try to do something special for somebody that needs your time, like an elderly person that can't drive or whatever. The reason I am even suggesting this is b/c when we get busy doing things for others, it helps us to forget about ourselves for just a little while. Those "little whiles" can add up into a certain amount of healing time. That is what you and I need is a lot of time to heal. Maybe yours won't take as long as mine has......I hope. Sometimes, I think if I were younger and had more energy that I would be able to pour more into my efforts of acting "as if". I was making it pretty good as long as I could stay busy, but when I got where I could no longer do the things I enjoyed....that was when I was going through a lot of difficulty.

You know I understand what you are going through and that I care very much. I am here for you and you can talk to me anytime.

Sandi