Separated 3 Months & Counting...

[JWS]

The first time I saw my wife she told me very flatly that it was over and she hated that we could not even be friends. She knew my friendship was important and she neglected it but she could not see past her husband to see her friend. Two weeks later we were out having a great time as friends and the weekend after that too, next week I am taking her to a movie. As much as we don’t know what to do they don’t know what they want so DON’T listen to the negative.

It’s impossible not to think of things, so remember the good memories but build a wall around your heart for now and lock those away. The most helpful advice I’ve gotten so far is to accept that this R is over. That’s harsh but it is, and you don’t want it back. Your M is not over and you want the chance to build a new R, but it won’t be the same one and that is a good thing.

I go back and forth about the pros and cons of legal separation. She has not asked for it but several people including my work tell me to get one to protect myself. I will not do it because I don’t want to put any thoughts into her head but if she brought it up I don’t know. I know what you are saying but I would rather buy myself some time by saying “that seems like a lot right now could we give it a few more months first” never hurts to ask. In my job I have had the opportunity to go to a special school to resist being interrogated and a key point in that is to delay things as long as possible. There are lots of ways of putting that off with out being rude or saying no, but if you easy give in to that then next step is D and he already has the lawyer to do it. Understand that it just my thoughts on that and it maybe out to lunch.

I am glad you recognize the backslide. That way you can fix it and not beat yourself up about it or have me beat you up. That seems to be a very common thing amongst us LBS. The lack of information and contact can drive us to do stupid things. My W even called me a stocker (bit harsh bye the way). The one common thing that everyone says is, it did not give them the info they wanted and it caused them pain. Pain is all that can come from looking at Facebook or Myspace right now. If I had the power I would destroy those websites they have only weaken our country. What happened to friends actually meeting to be friends? Please don’t hurt yourself anymore with that stuff.

Except that for a while anytime you feel strong and up a notch, you are going to follow that with weak and back two notches. Those are the facts of life right now, but what you don’t see is you are stronger and you are moving forward it just does not feel that way. I am really sorry that you are sad, I am too. I wish I could hang out with you and feel miserable together but since I can’t keep telling us all about it and never be sorry for that.