Althea))))))))) what a wonderful update, you are a star honey))))))))))))))))))) i pray PRAY I can feel that way soon, I'm getting there, but not yet, I totally agree that I wouldnt' want to be who I was before he left (for that matter, how my life was after he came back)
You've been very blessed, you deserve it)))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You are so amazing! Your life just gets better and better w/o Dr. TorturousSelfAggrandizement. Yeah, I know his life seems pretty good too, which sucks. At least, that's how the pouty little girl in me feels, but it's good for the kids (big, fake smile)!
The fact that you have such a good R with him now is a testament not only to your ability to rise above, but also to the love you once shared. That man must have loved you if you can still feel such a connection with him. It was real - don't ever doubt that. How could he NOT have loved you deeply? Really, it would be impossible, with all the love that you are so capable of giving.
Keep enjoying your summer...and your life.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Re. forgiveness: It's only recently that I've been able to not obsess and imagine conversations where I give the ow what-for. There was no spitting involved, but there was a lot of righteous anger and cutting remarks on my part. I felt a lot more peaceful when I imagined a convo where I let her say her piece and walked away. Now I don't have those convos in my head at all. I haven't forgiven her, and I don't know if I ever will. I HAVE forgiven myself--and you have, too, a long time ago, Althea. You are blossoming all over the place because of that most important forgiveness!
If you need a place to crash in western WA, let me know.
Sigh...just when you think things have finally evened out and there won't be any more upheavals in your life for a while, the sheriff comes knocking at your door...literally.
I got a "petition to reduce child support" summons yesterday.
It was unpleasant. I tried to call Mitch to get to the bottom if it, but of course he was unreachable--in CT with the Ivy League Ho.
The petition was from the state of Indiana and was generated because of a clause in our decree--that come June 30th we would reassess child support and adjust downward to reflect the father's travel expenses to visit the children. His crazy bitch of a lawyer snuck it in there
Well, since the decree, Mitch has gotten a new job and makes nearly $100,000 a year--significantly more than he was making when we agreed on the child support figure back in December.
Anyway, he finally called back today and we talked for a LONG time. The short story is...he's a weenie. Even though he is paying less than 1/4 of is salary toward child support for his FOUR children who I raise full time (that's less than 1/16th of his income/child), he still thinks it is too much. Even though he has total and complete freedom to live the life of his dreams uninhibited by childcare (he visits them about 70 days a year). Even though when he took this new job and boasted to me how great it was, how much of a pay raise he was getting and how the place was practically "throwing money" at him, he still thinks that he is paying too much. AND even though, to soften the blow when he announced he'd be moving to the East coast and leaving the children's home town, he assured me that "When one ship rises all the other ships rise too" (assuming he meant he'd be able to pay MORE, not less, in support).
He thinks I should be making more money and contributing more to the % split. It's true he makes WAY more than I do. He wants to go to court and prove that my "Imputed maximum income" if I was working as a respiratory therapist would be more than it is now (struggling as an artist) and therefore should decrease his financial obligation. He acts as if I am doing this too him.
I felt lectured to and judged and told him I would not be dictated to by him what path my career should take. His luke warm praise of my art and what I did made no difference in the face of his real message--that it was time I earn a "respectable income" (and yes, in case you're wondering, he actually said that to me).
I told him he was getting a bargain. That I kept our children happy, healthy AND most importantly assured a good relationship with him even though sometimes that was a real challenge. I told him I didn't have to do that, but I did it anyway.
I didn't cry or get shrill or accusatory, but I was truly disgusted with him. He said according to all of his friends and family and council in the "industry" he is paying too high a percentage split (at the moment it is 89/11%).
I told him I have a business plan, that I d not want to be an RT again and that my dream is to be an artist--that it is going to take time and that regardless of his expectations, my time line is my own. That my fame has not translated into dollar figures yet is irrelevant--I'm doing what I can to get there and feel confident that if I keep moving forward the financial rewards will eventually come to pass.
If we were to recalculate what child support should be with his new income, he would owe me more, but he thinks that in court he can get it reduced using this "imputed income" scenario. Obviously I'll have to seek out legal council myself and find out if he has a case.
He said he would rather settle it out of court and proposed doing it by comparing what the current CS calculations are and what the calculation would be using the imputed income and then come to a written agreement that falls somewhere in between. That means finding out what an RT can earn in this town (I think the max is about $17/hour which is sucky if you ask me and I'm STILL better off trying to make it doing something I love and earning a little less). He thought he was being magnanimous when he offered to assume I would only be able to work a 30 hour work week (since that is approximately the time the children are out of the house).
As far as my emotional response. I feel hurt. The man does not appreciate all that I do for our kids and feels HE is the one being taken for a ride [insert eye roll icon here]. I feel betrayed again of course because he told me a while ago that we would have an open dialogue about child support, etc. but the fact is, he went behind my back to gather data against me. He doesn't see that if he hurts me he hurts the children. I feel hurt that he is consulting his family and they are all telling him he is being overly generous. Ugh.
And why, after his repeatedly robotic, officious behavior do I still think maybe he's a "nice" guy? I'll tell you why...I'm an idiot (forget the savant part)!
Anyway, I needed to vent--so I came here. I hate the way SG monitors everyone and tries to create a sterile DB environment that fits her reality and taste level so nobody gets their feelings hurt [insert eye roll icon #2] so I don't come here often--I hate being censored and frankly fear she'll come along and slash and burn something I've spent the better part of an hour composing. I guess I'll take my chances though in the hopes my friends who have bolstered me up in the past come out of hiding.
Peeved and sad, Althea
p.s. in 4 days I would have been married 19 years. The way he left still hurts and haunts.
I am so sorry about everything. I don't understand how he could make those claims. For sure, seek legal advice on that one. I feel angry for you! why don't these guys/gals get that they still should be responsible for THEIR kids. *Shaking head*
I hope you feel happier again soon. I say feel free to vent here and even play like fig, I and many others do. it's all part of the process to us and helps us see the fun in things again. I know a big part of GAL is laughing again. Also, I think your words, advice and thoughts add value to the forums. Please don't be discouraged about posting what you want to say. I do know what you mean because my past serious and fun posts were cut but I am not letting that stop me.
