He says he is a people pleaser.. yet he does not, to me appear to do that for those he is close to, in fact in the past 5 years it appears to me that he has even actively (or passively) resisted doing things for the kids & I when we have asked. He says he tries to make everyone happy.. yet in doing so appears to make no one happy, including himself.
This is what happens to people pleasers. We try to please everyone and nobody is happy and we get even more unhappy and than the anger sets in because we feel we are a failure. We hate letting people down but in actuality by not taking care of our needs we cause our own unhappiness thus causing the people around us to be unhappy. And the going out of his way to not do what you and the kids want is classic push against shove. Its all in the book.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
And he has admitted to being a work-aholic, yet does not seem to me, to be doing much about it. He has tried some things, but when push really comes to shove, the business takes priority, over the kids, over the R, over me, over his health, over friends.
He uses his work to try and make himself feel worthwhile. He feels this is the situation he has the most control over and if he is sucessful at work than everything else will be ok.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I try to rationalize as "this is how he shows us he is a 'good dad/husband', by providing more"
but as I made the mistake of pointing out to him once... if you define being a good dad by only providing for them.. what kind of dad will you be once the kids are no longer dependant on you for the financial needs being met? He got very very angry.
You questioned his manhood and hurt his ego. You were just asking him to spend more time with you and the kids. What he heard I can't do anything right, nothing I do will please you.
He has the 1950's mentality that I bring home the money you take care of the house and kids and all will be fine. By questioning it he felt like a failure and lashed out at you. We have very fragile egos its hard to explain and you probably will never understand but trust me it gets hurt very easily. Than we clam up and shut down.
It was a missunderstanding. You meant A he heard B and both of you got defensive. Read HTIYRWT as soon as you get it. You will will understand what I am saying better.
He does not understand that him spending time with you and the kids is more important and more rewarding than having money to do stuff. You need to bring this up in a non accusing manner in MC.
