Feeling Hopeless...

[ann25]

WOW - Thanks Dom - You were busy...

In regards to the first post and asking him for help. I don't need his help, i just want it. i can handle it and you are right, it's better that i don't even ask.

It's not even so much that i want him to spend time with them, but just treat them a little better. i know i can't focus on that, but it still kills me.

At the very most, ask him for money for babysitting(if you need it), but i suggest not asking for his direct involvement in any way there.

The last time i needed to get something done i called my sister. She loves the girls. She doesn't understand why he can't watch them, but i just told her it's easier for me this way, so she helps me out.

I know that i can't focus on the girls and him, but his inability to grow up and be a father just tends to make me think negatively about him. I've always wanted 4 or 5 kids. He should have told me if he didn't want any.

You saying you "didnt want anything", translated in his mind, that, "something's REAAALLY wrong... but you wont talk about it. ".

I do appreciate what you are saying here, but he knows that i'm on a diet and i try not to eat fast food. 99% of the time, when we pick up something and take it home, i'll eat whatever we have at home. He knows this, so it shouldn't have been so bad.

PS: alternative theory:
while everything I said can be true of a male in general.... it is also worth considering that your gearing up to talk, made you tight-lipped and snippy... which really could simply be taken as having "a [hostile] attitude".

I can also appreciate this except normally, if i have an attitude with him, he's really quick to mention what a b**** i'm being. It's not something that comes up often, but he certainly doesn't miss a chance to point that out. Maybe he was just being nice? doesn't seem likely.

now onto #3

Hmm.
not the best timing, but better to be said, than not said.

I agree, not the best timing, but if we have many more of these nights when he goes off into the other room and throws a fit, there will be nothing left to talk about, so i figured i better get it out.

To that end, when you "need help watching them when you are cooking/cleaning/wahtever".... consider giving him HIS CHOICE, of either watching the girls, OR, doing the cooking/cleaning/whatever himself. you might be surprised at which he picks.

I actually did that last night. I was cooking dinner and he told me that D2 needed a new diaper. I asked him if he could change it since i was in the middle of cooking. He said she'd probably be fine until i was done. I told him i'd just prefer to clean her up now, would he mind watching the food for a couple minutes so i could change her and he said he was doing something maybe in a little bit. I just turned off the stove and went and did it. I know that he knows i'll do this, so i probably should have just waited for his help (if he ever would have), but i'm not going to leave her in a dirty diaper if i don't have to... So, basically, he chose neither.

yes, you feel just like you did about him, when you started talking to the OM. That is how badly you feel about things.
The key difference this time, is that this time, you are choosing to try to deal with your feelings and problems, the way you should have the first time: by confronting him about them.

So, here's the thing. I don't feel like i did last time. That was a totally different situation. He was sleeping in his office, he still wanted a divorce, we weren't talking, we didn't spend anytime together and he wouldn't even touch me. I was trying to figure out a way to either get him back or get over him when i met OM. i was in a totally differnt place, so for me to say, i feel the same is crazy. I don't even know how he has any idea how i was acting then cause we never spent any time together. I might be acting similarly cause i was miserable then and at least in my M i am miserable, but my feelings - no way near the same.

everytime we talk about it (it usually comes up because i confront him about something) I tell him that the difference this time is that NOW, i know why i did that before. it was because i just hid how i was feeling and didn't tell him how badly he was hurting me because i figured it would go away and this time i'm telling him cause i won't let that happen again. I told him that it was the biggest mistake i've ever made, but i did learn a lot from it about myself, so i know what i need to do to prevent it from happening again.

PS: (it's odd that he said he thinks these things "wont even help". But some men really dont understand how important you think those things are.
He could probably use some reassurance from you that yes, they really will help)

I think he feels like it's inevitable that i'm eventually going to leave or cheat on him. He's never trusted me or anyone for that matter, so i think he doesn't think anything can help. I did tell him that those things really will help not only me, but our relationship. But there is a catch, he actually has to do them... Yesterday, he went over to where we will be living to help them move some stuff they had in the empty rooms. When he got back, the first thing he does when he walks in the house is say "i guess it will never really be clean, will it" not hi or anything else, just his disapproval... he asked me if i was going to work on it more this week. I told him of course i was and i asked him if he could point out what wasn't clean enough for him so that i could work on that. (to me, it was clean, so i'm not really sure what his problem was) he says, that if i can't even tell, he'll just have to deal with it. then he said, you know, you always say it'll get better, but it never does. i told him that if he could tell me what he wanted, i could do it. He said that he might as well just start doing everything himself cause that's the only way it will ever get done... i told him he was more than welcome to.

here is my question: how do i confront him about the fact that he's completely ignoring the things that i asked him to do. Helping with the girls or other stuff so i can handle the girls. and being super critical of how i clean the house. I probably should have said something right away, but what i wanted to to say and what's good for my M, are on opposite ends of the spectrum, so i figured it was best to leave it alone.

it's frustrating cause i feel almost like one of those women that got M thinking that their H would change or that they could change them. It would be different if i had met him now and this is how he was. That's probably just how he's gonna be, but i just expected him to grow up a little bit from 16 to 26. The only difference now is that he keeps a job and then he couldn't. other than that, he's the same boy that i started dating 10 years ago... i really thought he'd grow up...

Thanks again Dom for your advice...